Regular readers of this blog may recall that during the 2010 Celtic-Laker NBA Finals, I took an epically long road trip with my family out West that involved camping, bears, buffalo, and all manner of rustic nuisance. Travelling ever deeper toward the Yellowstone wilderness, I had a heck of a time trying to follow my beloved Celtics from game to game. It was a stressful but magical period of my life.
Even as it was happening, I knew my adventure had the makings of a profound, hilarious, earth-changing story.
I was completely wrong.
However…
…when enhanced with my undeniable brand of quirky plot conventions, selective fictionalizing and pop-culture tangents, the tale turned into something I think is not all that embarrassing.
Dear readers, I present to you: Traveling. It is dedicated with love to the 2010 Boston Celtics. Without their cathartic, gut-wrenching game 7 Finals defeat (spoiler alert! Oops, too late), I would not have been inspired to forge this desperate attempt to make something good out of something so very very turrible.
Traveling will arrive to you one chapter a day for the next 50 days. That’s right, 50 chapters. I know, I know, a normal fan would have probably just punched a hole in a wall to get their emotions out and be done with it, but my trademark is taking things way too far….and I have plaster walls.
Today, we begin with the synopsis – the “book jacket” text, if you will.
Tomorrow, Chapter One.
Traveling
It is June of 2010. The Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers are engaged in yet another epic and mystical NBA Finals clash. At the same time, avid Celtics fan Doug McAllister and his family are taking a 3,392-mile road trip from Chicago to Yellowstone National Park and back. As he ventures deep into the harsh, unapologetic wilderness, Doug valiantly tries to keep up with his beloved Celtics, encountering laundry-obsessed fellow travelers, unreasonably patriotic Boy Scout troops, and absurdly ancient Laker Fans along the way.
Despite myriad obstacles, Doug stays true to his dedication to Boston sports, his ability to frustrate the living hell out of his wife, and his need to consume 5-hour energy drinks.
Told in part from the moronic viewpoint of Doug’s Competitors Anonymous support group, Traveling revels in pointless conversations, disjointed narrative, and arbitrary breaches of the space-time continuum (whatever that is).
If Celtic and Laker fans can agree on anything, it is that the Celtics are the greatest pro basketball organization of all time, the Lakers are more evil than Hannibal Lecter and Darth Vader combined, and despite all outward appearances, this tale is less about green versus gold than about the endless and futile struggle of an ordinary man to keep his petty obsessions in check.
Fasten your seatbelt.
No, seriously, you need to fasten it now. It’s dangerous not to wear it.
I don’t care if you dropped your McDonald’s action figure on the floor. You can get it at the next rest stop.
Sheesh.
************
Links: Traveling: Intro / Book Jacket
Chapter 1: Cribbagegate
Chapter 2: Two e-mails
Chapter 3: Pattern
Chapter 4: Shattered, Chapter 5: Hilarious Pee
Chapter 6: Suicide
Chapter 7/8: Coaching High school, Shark attacks and appetizers
