CELTICS ARE DEAD: The Oops Edition

I sit down to the Celtics-Heat Game 5 fully expecting the Celtics to be eliminated tonight. With the humiliation of the Lakers still fresh in my mind (because ESPN refuses to let it go), I figure “Well, as long as they keep it close and don’t unleash any cheap shots at the end, they will retain some sort of integrity.”

Oops.

Apparently integrity consists of failing to execute down the stretch (your supposed strength) and letting your opponent carve you up and finish the game on a 16-0 run. Yay integrity!


Pictured: Integrity.

Look at Shaq, there, sitting on the bench in his suit. It is reported that Shaq is upset because he feels like he let down his teammates and the city of Boston. Yup, sounds about right.


Inside Voice: "Does South Beach still have that Ben & Jerry's? And would it be open this late?"

Boy the Shaq saga has come a long way, hasn’t it? Remember the days when Celtics needed to bulk up in the middle to compete with teams like the Magic and the Lakers?

Oops.

And remember all that fun Shaq was having, wooing the city of Boston with his antics, like being a statue in Harvard Square, and conducting the Boston pops? Hey, it was all good. Shaq was the final piece to take this team over the hump, right?

Oops.

No worries. The REAL advantage this team has is at the point guard position. Rajon Rondo will carve up Mike Bibby, make him look silly.

Oops.

Heck, Rondo couldn't even dominate Bibby when healthy, much less with one arm.

Oops.


"Tis but a scratch."
"A scratch? Your arm's off!"


Ok, so game time. Here are some ET live blog bits and pieces:

1st quarter

The crowd boos Rondo the first time he handles the ball. Apparently, they disapprove of him playing through injury and/or having the nerve to let Dwayne Wade injure him. One of the two.

3:55 left in the first - Jermaine O’Neal straight to the locker room for treatment for his back. I’m actually excited about the possibility of seeing Krstik, a not-over-the-hill-or-injured-beyond-repair Celtics big man.

1:57 – Shot of Rondo lying on the floor, looking downtrodden. I can almost hear him wondering forlornly "I wonder how the Thunder are doing...sigh...sniff." Did you just imply that a guy playing through a recently dislocated elbow is some sort of wuss-bag? Oh no you didn't.

1:22 – Wade fights past Green for a rebound. Hits an obscene shot over his shoulder.

End of First - KG has 12 points, is 5 of 7.

Second Quarter


9:10 remaining – Mike Miller misses a gimme then taps in his own miss. It’s the first field goal from a non-big-three player on the Heat since the late third quarter of game 4. Wow. Guess you DON’T need balance to win games...

Interview drop in: Doc Rivers discussing whether the Lakers are "done" or "too old"...he says "If they’re too old, how old are we?” And speaking of the Lakers, behold how to fully and masterfully take advantage of a Kobe Bryant impression:

Kobe Byrant's Post Game Meltdown - watch more funny videos

Wait, was this a dude doing an impression, or actually Kobe?

From this Press-Enterprise article (and it was on Sportscenter this morning):

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "I think [my having a limited practice schedule because of off-season knee surgery] played a part in the fact that guys felt like they could take days off because I'm not there... And it's upsetting to me. They knew going in what my knee situation was, and we communicated that with them -- me not being able to practice and them having to pick up some of that responsibility in practice with the intensity and things of that nature...but at the same time, you can't use that as a crutch or an excuse, that because I wasn't out there, they didn't work as hard as they should."

Ah, just when you thought he wasn't a completely arrogant ass who can't keep things in the locker room where they belong. Oh wait, never thought that.

Back to the Game:

7:32 left in the second – Pierce nice move and lay up. This comes after two phenomenal D Wade plays. Reggie Miller says “Anything you can do, I can do better.” Really, Reggie? Way to lean on the vernacular there. How about "Anything you can do, I can do, but a little slower and not as good."

5:44 – Rondo one arm catch from Allen. One arm spin, one arm shot. Courageous. Not particularly dominating, but courageous. Hey Doc, could you take out Mr. Courageous and put in a healthy guy?

5:08 – Garnett and Wade get called for a double foul during a pick. Not sure what Wade did there, except take KGs elbow to his face. I do, however, know what KG did - piss off the best player on the floor. Bad idea.

3:44 – Rondo runs into James Jones with the bad arm. Looks like he's been shot with a bazooka. Or maybe I just like saying bazooka. And boobs. And Matlock.

3:23 – Rondo is not shooting...like at all. I agree with Reggie Miller that Rondo is hurting the team offensively.

1:44 – Pierce gets his third foul. Weak call.

Halftime - Celtics 49-45. Wade has 23 points, 5 rebounds, 3 steals. Zoinks.


Third Quarter

Hilarious, telling slow-motion shot of Pierce’s "What the hell are you doing?" face when Rondo passes him the ball...before they even reach half court. Me thinks Pierce is getting sick of his point guard - one arm or no.

8:40 – Pierce gets fourth foul. DVR review shows Pierce grabbed LeBron’s shirt. Dumb.

LeBron shoots a three on pierce, who has four fouls, instead of driving to the hoop. Basketball IQ: 2. Well, he hits it. So, basketball IQ goes up to 4. 54-52 Celtics.

8:12 – Allen hits a three while being fouled by Wade, 3rd foul. DVR step-by-step replay shows wade’s hand meets Allen’s hand after ball leaves. 4 point play. 58-52, Celtics. Ray Ray with 15 pts.

7:02 – In a phenomenal sequence showing how hurt Rondo really is, he squares to shoot twice with nobody within ten feet of him. Chooses to pass to pierce who bounces in a three. Celtics 63-57.

6:36 – James again takes a long jumper against Pierce, a defender with 4 fouls. Basketball IQ: 2. This time, he misses. IQ: 0. Apparently, basketball IQ not necessary to dominate when you're a dominating physical specimen. Know knew? The Heat, apparently.

Boston shooting 55% so far. And only up 6. Not a good sign.

5:10 – KG swats Howard, Bosh swats Pierce five seconds later. This is basketball! We’re not going down like the Lakers did! I mean, we’re going down, just not in quite the same manner as the Lakers did.

Fourth Quarter:

How about we just go with a canny visual depiction of the fourth quarter?


Bron Pose!

So the Heat won. And yeah, the Heat are saying all the right things. They're paying the Celtics some big time respect in the post-game conferences, and that's nice. But damn if they don't pepper their "all the right things" soundbytes with a lot of contrived BS here and there...

If I have to hear teenage coach Eric Spo say the phrase "It took a lot of time to develop our game" or "We've been through a lot of heartache" one more time, I'm going to scream. Hey, Eric - you know what "a lot of heartache" is to most players, teams, and coaches? Twenty years of frustration and defeat, not 6 games in January when you couldn't get your built-to-destroy-all-challengers-without-mercy team's shit together. But I guess hyperbole isn't limited to the Heat coach:


"Dear Lord, thank you for allowing me to overreact to winning in the second round of the NBA playoffs. Amen."

Ok, LeBron, we know you wanted to beat them. But don't try to deflect the hatred people feel for you onto them. To come out and say that your inspiration to come together on the Heat was the Celtics? Really? If that was the case, why are you just saying it now? You had plenty of opportunity to give the Celtics props throughout the season...why come up with this now? I'll tell you why, because you didn't think of it until now. You were having a nice dinner with D Wade last week and you turned to him and said: "Hey, you know that whole issue about everyone hating us? What if we go with this angle?" Come on, LeBron. You won. Congrats. Just enjoy it. But don't now try to pretend that what you did is what the Celtics did. Seriously.

So for all of those Heat-haters out there, perhaps we can look forward to some sort of Post-Celtic "We did it!" let-down, but I doubt it. We may be in for a long summer of having to watch LeBron and D Wade hold up the Larry O'Brien trophy in the Sportscenter victory montage. Oy.

Did I crown the Heat before they even started the Eastern Conference Finals? Yes.
Did I just jinx them? Hope so.

This is never easy...

In the wake of the Celtics' Kendrick Perkins trade, my unintentionally incendiary post about the trade, and Doc Rivers' assertion that "[I] feel like [I] lost a family member today," I decided to take my devotion to the Celtics and this Web site to a new level.

This past weekend, I tested Doc Rivers theory and traded my 9-year-old son (the one I felt has the least potential) to another family for their son. I made sure to trade my son to a family that wasn't in my grammar school district, so that I wouldn't have to worry about his talents impeding my own family's success (at least not until high school rolls around), and I made sure that I got a kid who's skills filled some voids, and would compliment the skills of the rest of my family.

The experience has been interesting, to say the least. My new son, Bobby, is fitting in well, and we're getting used to the change. I think in the end, we'll be a better family for it, but I still have lingering emotions, and can now confidently confirm that Doc Rivers was right - it totally feels like I traded Kendrick Perkins to the Thunder.

Evil Ted: Celtics / Lakers Live Blog

So Bawful asked me to fill in for him today, so I thought I’d go with one of my famous live-blog posts for the marquis match-up of the weekend – Lakers / Celtics. I didn’t get involved in watching full time until 4:12 left in the first quarter but, saw a bit before that:

First Quarter:

Don’t know the moment of the game, but Ray Allen was just called for his second foul. He was essentially called for allowing Kobe Bryant to hit him with a forearm shiver. I am reminded of last year’s game 7, and then further reminded of a recent Sports Illustrated article that analyzed the elements that go into home-court advantage, essentially concluding that umpires and referees are actually the most significant variable in creating home-court advantage. I found this revelation to be obvious, depressing, depressingly obvious and obviously depressing.

4:12 left – Kendrick Perkins is indignant about being called for a foul. Replay shows he pushed Bynum out of the way, thus proving his ability to be oblivious and ignorant has also healed up nicely.

Bos 16-10

3:56 – Garnett with a high release off the glass over Odom

3:39 – Bynum with a big rebound put back off miss.

3:12 – Odom responds with a fast break layup past Garnett.

Bos – 18-14 – I feel like no lead, no matter how large, will feel safe after last year’s game 7.

It appears Shaq brought his mother to make sure the crowd would be nice to him. When asked if she cares he’s in Celtic green, she apparently replied “I’m just glad he’s working.” Aw, mom. Just as lovable.

Mike Breen stat curses the C’s, calling them the “best shooting team in the NBA,” which may be true, but can only mean the C’s will stink up the joint.

True to form, Rondo misses a jumper at 1:52.

1:00 – Marquis Daniels misses lame looking 8-footer. He’s looked anemic every time I’ve seen him lately.

:25 – Breen asks Mark Jackson (MJ) about why Ron Artest hasn’t been as effective this year. Jackson says Ron Artest is looking “more healthier” than he did earlier in the season. He’s a professional broadcaster. No, really. And you know what? MJ is more worse at it than he was last season.

Second Quarter:

11:23 – Nate Robinson puts in an off-balance three-pointer.

10:53 – Ray Allen for three. He could do damage to the Lakers in this game if he gets hot. They’d better call him for his third foul soon.

10:37 – Gasol with a pretty lefty hook.

Bos -28-25

10:25 – Nate Robinson jab-steps and hits fall-away jumper. The athleticism he’s showing takes some sting out of losing Eddie House for him. Though House looked good in the day’s earlier game – Heat / Thunder – in which he nailed a cold-blooded dagger three and a couple of ice-the-game free throws. Nate’s going to have to play real good for me to lose my man-crush on House – minus the foolish "big balls" dance he did after the three of course. C’mon Eddie! You’re better than that!

9:50 – Allen with a leg-kick 8-foot jumper. They really need to call a foul on him and get him off the floor. He’s dangerous.

Bos 34-25 – For some reason, the bigger this lead gets, the more nervous I get. Post-traumatic stress disorder, anyone?

8:05 - Breen mentions that Ray Allen is always the first player to the stadium. Apparently, he didn’t listen to pregame commentary, in which Jon Barry informed us all that Kobe was actually at Staples before Ray Allen for this game. Way to research, Breeny.

6:47 – Matt Damon is shown in the first row, wearing a winter cap with a green Red Sox “B.” Completely off-the-mark clothing aside, I love Damon’s public in-your-face Boston love, even though he’s technically just another overpaid celebrity who sits in the first row of Laker games. Shout out to Matty Ice 2.

Insert affiliation-based caption here:
Celtic fans: Awesomest. Celebrity. Ever.
Laker fans (In retard voice): "Iiiii'm Matt Dammonn!"

6:34 – Garnett takes a shot to the head from Gasol. Play stops, but no foul is called. Garnett calmly walks to Joe Crawford with his skull dripping lots of blood and says something very calmly to Crawford. If I got to choose, I would hope it was: “This development would seem to be an absolutely perfect microcosm of the incompetence of NBA officiating, don’t you think?”

Alas, the replay shows that Gasol’s elbow was without a doubt inadvertent. The blood on Garnett’s head, however, begs to differ. But NBA officiating still sucks anyway. So there.

38-31, Celtics

Hints of Staples Center boos as an injured Garnett quietly goes to the locker room. Garnett has actually seemed surprisingly not insane for this game; maybe he's just letting his feet do the talking. Next up is a shot of Jack Nicholson, with Jeff Van Gundy (JVG) talking about how Nicholson owns glasses that match every one of his suits, followed then by Pierce splayed on the floor at 6:21...and though Pierce clearly flopped, my L.A. dislike has reached a high for the game thus far. Please show Matt Damon again to make me feel better!

Celebrity Crap 1:
They just showed Damon again, yay. Maybe in 30 years, he’ll be the Boston version of Jack Nicholson. In years past, they used to force Jack to sit in the third balcony of the Boston Garden – even for the Finals! It was always hilarious to see him up there, being treated like shit. LA, however, has an enormous priority conundrum – Matt Damon is a celebrity, but is also a Boston fan. So what should LA do? Kiss his celebrity ass, or treat his Boston-loving ass like poo? Should be interesting to see how that plays out in years to come if Damon’s career slides.

Anyway, the shot of Damon is followed by shots of George Lopez and Jimmy Kimmel, which makes me wonder “The always-present Nicholson notwithstanding, there MUST be more famous LA fan celebrities you can show than THAT.”

5:14 – Garnett returns with a bandage on his head. I had no idea they manufactured actual “KG-sized” band-aids.

Don't worry. None of my irrational prison rage leaked out.

4:24 – KG hits a jumper. C’s - 42-36

3:23 – Inexplicable foul call on Gasol for being pushed by Shaq. After some slo-mo replays, Breen indicates the foul was changed to Artest, who was literally standing on his own, 20 feet away. Van Gundy correctly points out Artest “wasn’t even in the vicinity.” NBA refs continue to dazzle. Maybe we should put an asterisk next to EVERY NBA champion from now on?

C’s – 42-41

After two big rebounds, Kobe hits a 3. Lakers on a 13-2 run. Lakers 44-42.

2:01 – Kobe fakes, gets Shaq in the air, gets a foul call, and gives Shaq what Mark Jackson calls a “Remember me buddy?” look.

Ass.
(Also pictured: Ray Allen / Shaquille O'Neill)

1:26 – Rondo lets Fisher breeze by him for a second time in egregiously bad fashion, resulting in a Gasol make from the baseline. I thought Rondo was a lot younger than Fisher…? His defense wouldn’t indicate this.

19.9 – Joe Crawford calls a double technical on Artest and Perkins. Crawford's "I rule over all of you turds" look reminds me of the Celtics / Suns game two days before when Doc Rivers screamed to Steve Javie, who had just ejected him, “It’s not about YOU, it’s about the GAME!”

1.4 – Kobe makes a nice move to the basket and gets a foul call. Odom gives what is, according to JVG, an “I can’t believe how good you are” look at Kobe. JVG follows by saying, “I’d rather watch Kobe miss than most other players make.” Agreed, Jeff. I would too. I’ll take a miss any day. A late whistle coming a full second after imaginary contact, no, but a miss, yes.

0.7 – Odom is called for hitting Big Baby on the arm on a desperation final half court shot. Dumb move. This moment is followed by some great quote-machine items. First by Mark Jackson: “Lamar Odom is a high-IQ guy, basketball-wise, but...” Yes, Mark, be sure you include the term “basketball-wise” in that statement. Then JVG follows with this beautiful nugget, giving wonderful insight into the state of NBA officiating: “You don’t find too many officials, even with contact, that will make those calls, but I think that’s the right call.” JVG night as well have said “Boy refs really suck, don’t they?”

Big baby makes 2 of 3.

Halftime – Lakers 54 – 50

Halftime interview – Kobe stays classy San Diego, saying Lamar Odom will be on Sportscenter’s “Not Top Ten” for fouling Big Baby before the half. Not everyone is as good as you, Kobe. I’m surprised I need to tell you this. I thought you knew that better than anyone.

Third Quarter:

11:27 – Kobe sticks a 3. Lakers 57-50

I'm noticing Garnett’s head bandage is exactly the same color as the Staples floor. It looks like someone put a hole in his head (Insert “Yeah, I’D like to put a hole in his head” joke here, Laker fans.)

9:33 – Pierce with a strong left hand finish after driving around a hobbled Artest, foul by Bynum. Artest leaves, appearing to have a left knee issue.

Celts 58-57

9:20 - Shaq gets his fifth foul on a “shoulda let them play” call. Gasol gave the push away as well. Should have been a no-call.

8:46 – Pierce 3-pointer. Celtics 61-59. Pierce already has 25.

7:26 – Rondo throws up a jumper with no hesitation – and air balls it. At least he tossed it up with...confidence?

6:39 – Another pierce three, after great inside out pass from Perkins. Pierce has the last 10 C’s points.

5:28 – Odom busy giving Kobe the “I can’t believe how good you are” look. Unfortunately, Kobe chooses to pass to him at the time, and Odom proceeds to botch the play completely.

Pierce layup puts C’s up 68-62. Pierce has 14 points in the quarter. Lakers getting a taste of how it would be to play the Celtics missing RonRon. This play is reshown in slo-mo to highlight Luke Walton’s crappy (not scrappy) defense.

3:48 – After a Fisher steal and breakaway, Ran Allen called for a foul on a play where there was clearly no contact. Mark Jackson inadvertently insults NBA officiating once again, oblivious to his own irony: “That’s not contact by Ray Allen, but Derek Fisher does such a great job of making it look like a sniper shot him.” It’s amazing how many different, creative ways commentators are managing to talk about God-awful NBA officiating . JVG, once again, the voice of reason: “Joey Crawford on that play had a bad angle, and Fisher, as a renowned flopper deserves no benefit of the doubt on [one of] those dives into somebody’s body. That was a missed call.” I love you, JVG. Not as much as I love Matt Damon, but take what you can get.

3:32 – Fisher proves JVG right as he gets the refs to call Perkins on a moving pick. Mark Jackson confirms his support of the dark arts: “We’re in Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Give Derek Fisher an Oscar.” JVG wonders aloud how Crawford can repeatedly fall for the same head snap / arm throw night in, night out: “The guy’s been around for like 25 years!” Breen replies with an I’m-not-paid-to-give-an-insightful-opinion giggle.

Celtics 70-67

2:38 – Kobe 3-pointer makes it 72-70, Celtics. Then he gives a little nod that makes me want to punch him, even though if I met him in person, I know I’d be all: “Hi Mr. Bryant, could you sign my T-shirt?”

We are treated to a slow-motion montage of the various Derek Fisher flops from just this quarter. I’m considering remaking my You’ve been Ginobili’d video to You’ve been Fisher’d.

Celebrity Crap 2:
Adam Sandler is promoting his latest crap movie. How do I know it's crap? It's an Adam Sandler movie, and it isn't "Happy Gilmore 2." His comment: “I can’t tell you what it’s about, but I showed it to Kevin Garnett and he laughed so hard he split his head open.” This man hasn’t been funny in years, and has a billion dollars. Life is not fair. And he’s a Knicks fan. Doesn’t even care who wins, which is almost more annoying than if he were a Laker fan. Favorite Adam-Sandler-is-secretly-a-dick comment: “The movie’s funny. Aniston’s in it (call her Jennifer Aniston, you ass), these two people next to us are in it…(his co-stars are sitting next to him and he won’t even name them…I know time is short, Adam, but name your co-stars, especially when we care way more about one of them – Hello Brooklyn Decker – than you. The female commentator plays right along, ignoring the existence of Adam Sandler’s less-famous co-stars. LA's most plentiful export? Self-aggrandizing a-holes.)

Why you will ignore this man's new movie:
It's not 1996.

1.6 – Rondo says “Take that, Derek Fisher” and draws a charge call on Bryant with some floppery theatre of his own.

11:22 – Ray Allen three. Celtics 80-74. We get a nice slo-mo replay of Steve Blake’s bad defense (a.k.a. Luke Walton treatment).

Breen betrays that he’s never played any level of basketball, commenting that he can’t understand why the Celtics shot so poorly in Phoenix and so well here. They were on the second half of a back-to-back, Mike. Go read a novel and have a brandy, nerd.

9:12 – Rondo wants a foul on Blake, then flops a second later to create one. JVG says: “He fell down.” Annoyingly, Mark Jackson says: “Thank you,” as if he’s been saying meaningful, logical things about the sins of flopping during the game…which, of course, he hasn’t. Maybe I should do a "You've been Rondo'd." Oh wait, that's been done, more than once, and was the inspiration for my Ginobili video. Duh.

The Breen of Irony: “We’ve had a lot of calls sold very well here this afternoon.” Again, has Breen’s boss told him to never point out bullshit when he sees it? Or does he really not see it?

Kobe deciding “It’s time to put the kids to bed,” according to MJ. Cuts Celtic lead to 4.

4:02 – Rondo alley oop to Garnett makes it Celtics 98-87.

2:55 – Big Baby draws a legit offensive foul. 101-89.

1:29 – Garnett to Rondo for layup.

Awesome Commercial alert:
People from the future being incorporated into old high-school / college footage of current NBA players. The latest features Steve Nash. I bow before whomever came up with this concept.

Final Word:

True to the formula, Kobe tried to take over, and this did not benefit the Lakers. He scored 41, and the Lakers lost. They have lost 4 of the last 5 when Kobe scores over 35. So if Phil Jackson benched Kobe for the whole game, would the Lakers have won? He should try that.

109-93 – Very deceptive final score. It was way closer than that. And Artest wasn’t at full strength. The teams showed me they are still essentially neck and neck, and I wouldn’t be remotely shocked to see the Lakers win the next meeting in Boston.

With Jack sitting up in the third balcony, hopefully.

Worst of the Weekend bonus:

I had a family obligation on Friday night, and missed the second half of the Celtics-Suns game. I DVR'd it, but then accidentally saw the final score and decided to blow off watching the second half. Then, tonight, when there was nothing good on TV, including a Golden State / Utah game (yawn), I watched the recorded second half of Celtics / Suns, figuring:
- I could enjoy me a little Steve Nash magic, and
- Even a stale Celtics game where I know they lost is better than anything else I could watch.
And boy was I right. Why, oh why, does Kevin Garnett make it so difficult to like him? A furtive nut shot? Really? And then to give that astonished "Who me?" look when you know you just jabbed a guy in the nutsack AND undercut his legs at the same time...Christ, you're making Bruce Bowen's foot defense look downright timid.

Celtics-Lakers Game 1 (semi) Live Blog

I go into game 1 of these finals thinking a few things are certain. These certainties are soon obliterated. Let’s play a little before and after, shall we?:

What Evil Ted thinks - before and after:

BEFORE: The Celtics defense is like nothing the Lakers have seen thus far.
AFTER: The Celtics look surprisingly soft and slow and old. A possible explanation is offered up by Tommy Heinsohn on the Mike and Mike show the morning after. Tommy says the C’s are still playing “Magic” defense, which involves one-on-one guarding of the bigs and squelching the 3-point shooting. He says they need to start playing “Laker” defense which involves clogging the paint and MAKING the opponent shoot threes. Apparently Tom Thibodeau forgot he was still being paid to coach the Celtics defense, and not to field head coaching offers from lesser teams. Random thought: Are the Celtics going to be forced to play Sun-style zone? Should they consider it?

BEFORE: The Celtics have dispatched the two “best” teams, by record, in the league, so they will, logically, win this series.
AFTER: Thinking deeper reveals the flawed logic - regular season records are false gods. The West, chocked with a greater number of talented teams who simply play each other more often and therefore water down the records of all its respective teams, is in fact the stronger conference.

BEFORE: If I am a Laker fan, I am worried about the matchups for this series. Who will stop Rondo? Who will chase Allen? Will KG completely neutralize Gasol?
AFTER: If I am a Laker fan, I am not worried about matchups at all. Rondo, apparently, will stop himself, frequently halting in mid-drive when approached by the Laker bigs. Allen will get into foul trouble while supposedly “guarding” Kobe, and KG will look like he’s returned to worrying about his knee while Gasol looks nothing like the “soft” player of two years ago.

And now, the game highlights, lowlights, and random observations:

Commercial:
Stoudemire and Howard combine for a goofy commercial to promote the return of ABC’s regular-person-gets-humiliated-by-large-death-machines show, Wipeout. Think to self, self, that’s why they’re on vacation now. Think you’d see Kobe and KG doing that? Uhm, no. Kobe will sign a form to let you make a muppet out of him to sell shoes, but that’s where the line is drawn.

Opening of the Game:
The Lakers’ PA announcer is the disinterested-and-fey-sounding Lawrence Tanter. By announcer voices alone, the Celtics have a huge advantage. If you put the Celts’ Eddie Palladino and Tanter in a Beat-it-style street fight, Palladino would issue a serious voice-kicking. And then moonwalk.

This is followed up by a Whitney Houston-esque Star-Spangled Banner by Jeffery Osborne. I expect this to also be outdone by Boston. Game 3 will probably have Ben Affleck and Dennis Leary screaming the opening anthem while drunk. Little do I know, the opening ceremonies will be the best part of my night.

1st quarter:
11:33 in 1st – Looks like Artest tries to rip off Pierce’s arm as the two go to the floor with both arms locked against each other, back to back. Double technical called on Pierce and Artest. Worrisome. The Lakers did not have an enforcer like Artest in ’08. He could create problems, and narrow the who’s-a-tougher-team gap significantly.

10:13 left – If Bryant can consistently get to the hole like he just did, watch out for the Lakers. Celts are playing that “Magic” style defense, I guess…

9:58 – Fisher gets his second foul. Could be big.

9:46 - Artest steal from Pierce. Artest looks fresh and why-doesn’t-this-guy-play-for-Boston hungry.

Bynum slam. Lakers up 6-2.

8:41 – Artest gets another steal

7:45 – Rondo makes a jumper, followed by Bryant.

6:34 – Joey Crawford calls a travel on Gasol. Doing so takes him approximately seven seconds. With his eyes, he practically says “I’m going to make my presence felt because of my massive ego and need for attention.” My thoughts immediately turn to Jim Joyce, the umpire who messed up Armando Gallaraga’s perfect game on a badly blown call with two outs in the ninth inning. He immediately said he screwed up and then cried the next day in front of a forgiving Detroit crowd. I think to myself if NBA officials had the same conscience, they’d be in a constant state of malaise and contrition, and would likely have to apply for leave from their respective mental hospitals to officiate games. Fortunately for us, they collectively have no soul.

6:20 – Pierce lay-up past Artest one on one. That’s more like it.

Team Anecdote time:
There is a story about the 100 bucks that Doc Rivers took from every player in an LA regular-season game and placed in the ceiling of the Staples Center visitors’ locker room, only to be retrieved if the C’s made it to the Finals. Jeff Van Gundy (JVG) openly wonders “What if the Lakers hadn’t made it to the Finals?” Good point. Better point? How about some incentive for winning the Finals? Best point: Is 100 bucks really incentive to these guys? Bestest point: The Lakers’ coaching staff is offering 50 bucks for each charge taken in the Finals. What ever happened to the you’re-paid-a-lot-of-money-to-compete-your-ass-off-so-just-friggin-do-it coaching style?

4:50 – Pierce hits jumper with Artest’s hand an inch from face.

Lakers up - 18-13

3:55 – Rasheed enters the game.

3:24 – Artest’s second foul. Legit blocking call.

3:03 – JVG mentions that Ray Allen hasn’t had a burger since he was 19. This astonishes him. Sounds like just another facet of Ray’s obsessive-compulsive traits. At some point, Ray-Ray said to himself “No more fatty greasy burgers” and stuck to it…forever. I find myself cool with whatever messed-up personality disorder keeps Ray Allen practicing three hours before games. Sure, he’s also probably washing his hands forty times before going to bed, but if it works for him, that’s cool.

Celtics have been mediocre, only down 18-16. Encouraging.

Cutting to commercial, we see Ray Allen trying act up some contact with Gasol in slow motion, then smiling. Then going to bench to apply anti-bacterial lotion to his hands.

2:30 – In put back attempt, Gasol yells out and draws a foul. This is the second time in the game he has drawn a foul with nothing but volume.

2:10 - Glen Davis manages to stay in front of Kobe on a drive. JVG (who’s the only guy worth quoting, by the way), notes how well Davis moves for a big man, or semi-big man. Or fire-hydrant man masquerading as big man.

1:23 – Davis draws foul on Odom with a scream of his own. Phil Jackson gives him 50 bucks.

Celts Defense looking average. Which means below average. Someone forgot to tell them they’re in the finals.

“MVP” chants while Kobe shoots free throws. Kobe bows, offers air-kisses. I wonder to myself if the best player of every team will soon be hearing “MVP” chants while shooting free throws. Rondo’s been getting them. He better pick up his play, or he’s going to continue hearing it…but from Laker fans.

59.1 - Kobe gets second foul on an acting job by Pierce, who can’t reach Rondo’s off-the-mark pass.

19.1 – Farmar steals the ball from a sleeping Rondo. Celts not looking sharp at either end, and worse, look disinterested. I think back to Rondo grabbing the ball from between Jason Williams’ legs in that “just-wanted-it-more” moment. Farmar just made Rondo look like Jason Williams.

2nd quarter:
10:34 - Pierce draws 3rd on Odom – offensive foul. Reasonable call.

10:12 – Rasheed hits a 3 on a dish from Pierce. If Rasheed gets going, maybe there’s a chance.

9:11 - Gasol tries a here’s-the-ball-over-here-and-now-I’m-going-to-spin-around-and-shoot-over-here move that he probably saw Rajon Rondo do against Cleveland. Good News: Shot is blocked handily by Rasheed. Bad News: The Lakers are comfortable enough right now to practice unusual new shots in game 1 of the Finals.

8:20 – Shannon Brown walks in for lay up, has six points. Made it look easy. Celtics D continues to blow.

7:35 – Vujacic weak grab of perkins jersey. Perkins scores and one.

7:31 – Nate Robinson gets his first foul. Legit.

7:11 – Nate fights for ball after knocking it out of Gasol’s hands. Jump ball. Nate loses the jump ball, but not by much. Go figure that Nate would look like the only Celtic out there who wants it.

6:22 – Tony Allen pass knocked out of bounds. He has the lack-of-swagger of a man for whom the moment looks too big.

4:51 – Garnett hits a turnaround against Gasol. Celts have been yawn and so-so, and only down 2. 37-35.

Commercial Alert:
A-Team advertisement…I can understand why they couldn’t use a dead George Pappard, but why not Mr. T? And if the original mohawked one doesn’t make a cameo, I’ll be ticked. The Ultimate Fighting dude who took over Mr. T’s role has bitched about acting distracting him from his UFC fights, and then said “acting is kind of gay.” What is gayer than acting? Thinking acting is gay and doing it anyway. Guess what? You’re not welcome back for the sequel, you homophobic dickface. Yeah, I said dickface, which would imply a dick being somewhere around your face. Suck on that.

Celebrity montage:
Chris Rock, David Spade, Speilberg, Jack Nicholson, who is now referred to only as “Jack.” The close up reveals Jack now looks like a chipmunk, and causes me to briefly consider adding him to my Dead Pool when a spot opens up on my bench.

2:54 – Second foul on Pierce against Kobe. Lame call.

Two bang-bang Artest plays get Lakers up 9. This score seems more a reflection of the way the game has “felt.” Also, Artest really making a difference with his hard-nosed play.

1:36 – Classic Rondo to Garnett alley oop.

:56 – Fisher tear drop over Garnett’s out-stretched hand. Pretty.

Before buzzer, rondo hits dramatic fall away long jumper to get Celts to within….uhm…9. This could get out of hand quickly.

Half: 41-50

3rd Quarter.

11:47 - Perkins called for letting Bynum elbow him in the ribs.

11:36 – Artest sticks out his butt and fouls Allen. Dumb foul.

11:29 – Fisher “fouls” Ray Allen. Terrible call. Fisher’s third.

10:15 – Rondo misses lay up.

7:50 – Gasol screams himself into another foul.

6:10 – Steal and Bryant dunk puts Lakers up 13, biggest lead of the game – signature play of game one if the Lakers win, which it looks like they will.

4:48 – Egregious Gasol flop earns a foul call. Commentators discuss calling fouls for flopping. I am completely in favor of this.

4:28 – Gasol hits a put back. He has been huge, and not remotely marshmellowish or soft.

3:!3 – Rondo dish to Tony Allen, who dunks and hangs on the rim. He appears to spin 720 degrees, causing me to wonder if he is equipped with the wrists of a toy Transformer. The rest of his play during this game would indicate that, in fact, he possesses no particular special powers or gadgets.

2:37 – Bryant block of Tony Allen dunk. Huge. Replay shows the ball fell out of Allen’s hand before the block (because of his faulty Transformer wrists?), so the block is not quite as impressive as it first seemed.

2:10 – Fisher alley oop to Bryant. Lakers are simply playing harder. Inexcusable.

Commercial Alert:
The Dwight Howard, Lebron James dunk contest for McD’s, ending with Larry “I-have-no-idea-who-that-guy-is” Bird stealing their meal. Awesomest, most underappreciated commercial ever.

Point comparison at this point in the game, offering the answer to the question: “Who plays better defense? Artest or Allen?”

Pierce 11 points - 3 for 6
Kobe 24 points - 9 for 16

1:39 – Ray Allen called for foul number 5. Horrible call. Allen has been called for ticky-tack junk all game. At least it’s been consistent.

1:19 – Rasheed with stupid moving pick foul on Fisher. Rasheed can be seen on bench later, checking “Requisite one-stupid-foul” off a list.

:55 - Laker defense looks superior, forcing an off-balance Pierce 3.

:46 – The requisite “We-give-up-here’s-your-victory-cigar” Rasheed Wallace Technical Foul. A couple more and he gets a one-game suspension. Maybe he and Perkins can sit out the same game so we can just get that loss out of the way.

Lakers - 84-64

4th quarter:
11:19 – Wallace can’t even properly outlet the ball to Nate Robinson. Ends up chasing the ball into the stands in a too-little-too-late attempt to redeem himself.

10:18 – Pierce called for a carry. A CARRY! JVG points out that every player, especially Kobe Bryant, carries on nearly every dribble of every play…somewhere off camera, Joey Crawford is grinning and awaiting his moment in the sun.

8:56 – Garnett jumper – Celts back to within 13.

Lakers up: 85-72

Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #1:
8:28 – Phil Jackson yells at ABC interviewer Doris Burke and Chris Rock to cut the crap and get their cameraman off the court. Also love David Spade trying to squeeze his B-movie mug into the shot, giving the Why-don’t-you-want-to-talk-to-me? look to Doris. Because the top of your resume reads Currently in Unfunny Ensemble Sitcom, David. That’s why.

7:48 – Robinson misses a 3, and Garnett can’t handle put back. Doesn’t have the same ups as in ‘08. Huge.

7:34 - Gasol baby hook. Laker lead back to 15.

7:17 – Odom called for a block on Pierce. Cheesy call. Jack agrees.

6:20 – Artest strips the ball from big baby, long pass to Gasol for a dunk. Fat lady sings.

Commercial Alert and Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #2:

Nike’s Kobe “All together now” commercial. Actually made it seem like cheering for Kobe is fun, even though we all know this is not the case.

Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #3:

6:12 – Chris rock is blabbering from his $10,000 seat next to the Laker bench, trying to jock sniff Kobe with stupid small talk. Kobe sits stone-faced, completely ignoring him. Only people more awful than Lakers? Celebrities. Way to go, Kobe. I almost love you right now. But only right now. At this moment. Hating shall resume promptly.

5:47 – C’s still diving for loose balls. Good.

5:29 – Rondo feeds Garnett for an open dunk, but Garnett can’t finish. Twice. Disastrous. Could the Celtics play worse? Could Garnett look any more anemic?

I kinda stopped paying attention at this point, except for noticing what sounded like “Boston Sucks” chant going on while Pierce was shooting free throws, to which Mike Breen called the Laker-Celtic rivalry something like “fun” and “healthy”…

…No more ignorant-of-what-it’s-like-to-actually-give-a-huge-shit-about-an-athletic-contest comment has ever been made.

There’s nothing healthy about what I’m feeling right now, Mike. Nothing.