Lockout Positive #233: More time for new names

Well, of course, the lockout continues, and the most almost-intriguing thing that happened this summer is not Kobe maybe going to Turkey or Noah to France or Luol Deng to Britain. (Question: Luol Deng goes to Britain, and all of the sudden there's endless rioting in the streets - coincidence? I think not. I always knew that dude was up to no good.)



Yes, the most semi-interesting thing to happen this summer is Ron Artest changing his name to Metta World Peace. Leave it to Ron Ron to put a new spin on changing your name. He probably would have kept it simple, like changing his name to Ron Treinta y Siete, to reflect last year's jersey number (lucky for him Michael Jackson's Thriller didn't top the charts for 24-straight weeks. Woo-hah, that woulda been a tussle), or Ron Quince, to reflect his new-slash-old jersey number, but of course, Chad Johnson (now Chad Ochocinco) beat him to that idea. So Ron had to come up with something to make himself look like even more of a diva-slash-wacko than an NFL wide receiver.



Not an easy task.



But before I get all revved up about this supposed name change, I decided to determine if this new moniker goes beyond Ron just looking to fill his day with something other than XBox and weed by mumbling to a random reporter, "Hey, my name is Metta World Peace now."



So when I go to www.ronartest.com, I would assume I should be automatically redirected to www.mettaworldpeace.com, right? Nope. And mettaworldpeace.com? It's still out there, waiting to be purchased. Give Google your money and you can have it. Go on. I dare ya. It'll be the best money you ever flushed down the toilet. I can just see you trying to call Ron's "people" on the phone:



You: "Guess what? I own the rights to mettaworldpeace.com, my friend. You want it? It's yours for 10 grand."



(whichever of Ron's posse you've managed to reach on the phone): "Yeah, um, Ron is now going by the name Lemonjello Fruitalicious. He had some lemon Jello today that he thought was, in his words, 'fruitalicious,' so that's his name now. You got the rights to lemonjellofruitalicious.com?"



You: (in a defeated stammer): "No."



(whichever of Ron's posse you've managed to reach on the phone): "Well I'm online right now and I just bought it. So kiss off, loser. Oh, and remember to visit lemonjellofruitalicious.com for all your latest Ron Artest news, k?"



You: (whimper)



Click.



A word of advice to Ron: If you're going to do this, do it for real. Chad Ochocinco is, naturally, to be found at www.ochocinco.com, and of course, he's got his wallpaper updated to read "WIDE RECEIVER NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS." (I'm surprised it doesn't also say "No longer with those f***ing Bengals" in fine print below that). Now, THAT'S a dude managing his brand, taking charge of his identity shifts with the gusto of Madonna and the Artist Formerly known as Prince.



But with you, Ron, this Metta World Peace thing just seems flung together, bro. Where's my official Web site? Where's my T-shirt? Where's my breakfast cereal?







Alas, all we have is ronartest.com, and I'm tempted to say this isn't actually Ron Ron's official site, given his curious musings page, which calls attention to the war in Afghanistan, water conservation policy, and deep sea oil drilling. Does Ron Artest really think about these things? I mean, I suppose it's possible. He clearly has a conscience, given his selfless decision to sell his Laker ring for charity.



But for some reason (or many reasons), I have this notion that Ron Artest isn't putting us on, and is actually this peculiar in private. I imagine him wandering around like the Tracy Jordan character in 30 Rock, saying stuff like "What is this, Horseville? Because I’m surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!" and "I love this cornbread so much, I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant."



But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Ron is actually a socially-conscious preppy boy who's just playing a role and pretending to be a little slow, just like Jessica Simpson (she's just pretending to be that way, right?). But I hope he's not. I hope he's 100% this nutty through and through. Why? Because we all know that a world without a trippy, wild-eyed Ron Artest would be a boring one indeed. If I can't look forward to Ron Ron next deciding to change his name to Mike Brown just to screw with his new coach, then what else do I have to look forward to?



Best future post-game press conference line ever:



"That was Mike Brown. Thank you, Coach. Coming up next, we have...uh...Mike Brown."



So heed my words, Basketball Player Formerly known as Ron Artest....



Listen to me now and believe me later, Lemonjello Fruitalicious....



Don't put it in your mouth if you're not prepared to swallow it, Mike Brown....



....you be as bat s*** crazy as you want to be, number 3715, because I have a Dinner for Schmucks to attend and still haven't found my and-one (just watched that movie - God it was great. I mean, not 10-bucks-at-the-movie-theater great, but happened-upon-it-by-accident-on-HBO-On-Demand great for sure).



Metta Peace out.



**********************



Here's a final Ron Artest nugget of fun for you, courtesy of Jimmy Kimmel. If you haven't seen it, you're in for a treat:

Worst of the Playoff Night: Obvious Result Edition

No KD, that's the wrong ball. It's over, just...look, you're making this hard on both of us...

Kevin Durant's acne: Good morning readers of Basketbawful! We started off the night with some excellent close-up KD interview acne....bleegh. Eh, the ESPN pre-game is crap anyways, I'm turning it off until 9.

But I couldn't resist hearing what "bold predictions" would be made tonight:

Magic: KD 50 in a loss
JB: J.J. with 25-8 in DAL win
Wilbon: OKC win tonight

Sadly, it was obvious that JB made the most reasonable guess. And so it was.


The Chokelehoma City Blunder: Here we go again. Up by 7, 5 minutes to go, close out by getting out-scored by 17-6. How did this happen? Again?

The game started ugly, with Dirk's failed attempt at Kevin Love Outlet, and for the whole game Dallas was TERRIBLE at recognizing Nick Collison on the baseline just outside the paint. But the tide first changed with yet another Harden flop attempt. Only this time, the home crowd did not buy it at all, and neither did the refs.

(video?)

But that didn't stop the refs from sucking in general. Poor Dirk, up until the first minutes of the 4th, was getting hammered harder inside than Tori Black. Didn't the refs get the memo that the 2006 rematch hasn't officially started yet? In related news, Nick Collison set an NBA single game record with 9 personal fouls.

Yet thus is the value of experience, and Dirk yet again did his thing. More on this later. Marion put on a throwback defensive performance, and hell even his floater makes and 4 ft misses brought me some nostalgia of his Suns days. Okay back to Dirk. Check out how he ended the 3rd:

Dirk "German Doctor J" Nowitzki.

Mark Jackson, quote machine: "No disrespect, but I'm gonna disrespect Chandler!"


Jeff Van Gundy, quote machine: "Brendan Haywood is stroking it!"

Really though, would you even believe me if I told you that Brendan Haywood sinking free throws helped keep the Mavs afloat?


Russell "please don't start calling him by the nickname Mark Jackson made up 'Wild Thing'" Westbrook: Granted, the OKC choke was more evenly distributed tonight, but it seems only fair to start with Westbrook. Starting with that terrible play in the third, when dribbling it up the court on the sideline with Jason Terry defending. I think a whistle was blown almost simultaneously as Terry tried to reach in for the steal, but Westbrook just lost it and elbowed Terry directly into referee Monty McCutchen. You could see him visibly stunned and pausing for a second, like "wait, aren't I supposed to be giving you the benefit of the doubt on these whistles? Sorry bro, I gotta T that, because that was completely dumb". Westbrook finished with a Heroic Kobeian 31 points on 11-28 shooting.


Oklahoma in the last 5 minutes: Let's look at the numbers: 6 PTS, 2-10 FG, 2-2 FT, 9 REB, 7 TO (including a double dribble!), 6 PF (only 1 intentional). And although they got some good rebounds, they also gave up some terrible ones, including giving Dirk a second chance to try another wide open 3, which had a 107.12% chance of going in based on my calculations. And the terrible rebound that led to a Marion essentially-go-ahead fast break dunk, only Marion is Marion and kinda awkwardly bumbled and decelerated, allowing Durant to catch up and foul him while having no chance at preventing the score. Just wow.


Oh and Westbrook left the court early, which is kinda becoming no longer faux pas to do. Or the media will bring it up and compare it to the Pistons or LeBron or whoever doing it, which is giving him way too much credit. Or some other shit I don't really care.


Doris Burke, quote machine: "Mark [Cuban], if it's possible to be conspicuously inconspicuous, while there are no complaints out of New York, you have been remarkably quiet. Why?"


The Dallas Mavericks: For leaving behind the trophy, leading to Jason Terry awkwardly walking back out to the court to pick it up. But props on everyone walking away from Doris Burke at the end, prompting her to display the most emotion she's ever expressed, wondering why everyone was abandoning her.


Scott Brooks post-game press conference: Wanted to get the fuck out of there (and did so)


Kevin Durant post-game press conference: First words: "What up."

And did someone actually ask him how he felt about Dirk getting back to the Finals? I can't even joke about this ironically, because I know someone will twist this sound clip negatively against KD.

Harden was there sporting a backpack too, (DOUBLE BACKPACK, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!), and was probably only there in the first place because Westbrook was being "u mad" on the team bus. But more on the backpack. What a terrible collage of colors. The Durant bag is simple and conveniently functional, the Harden bag was just trying too hard. May this press conference be the harbinger (including the reason for Westbrook's absence) for OKC's over-hyped future.

Oh who am I kidding, I'm gonna miss the backpacks. Please don't use HGH in the offseason, Durant.


The Los Angeles Lakers: LOS ANGELES (AP) --In the boldest move big business has seen since Domino's adopted their Maoist self-criticism marketing strategy, the Los Angeles Lakers have signed Mike Brown as their head coach in a 4 year $18 million deal. Sadly, there's no improved spices on the crust of this deal, however legions of Celtics, Spurs, Jazz and Pacific Division fans have taken to the streets in jubilation upon hearing this news, some crying with palms upwards towards the sky.

"It's a miracle," proclaims one Phoenix resident. "The second coming; it's glorious. We're all saved."

Ticket sales for Lakers away games have skyrocketted across the nation (and Toronto I guess), as people want to get a first glimpse of this historic moment. Meanwhile, discussions and general anxiety have rapidly spread, as the rate of Twitter tweets and blog posts from greater Los Angeles area IP addresses has increased tenfold over the past 24 hours.

"Yea, that Campang guy was right, this is pretty much the rapture," one fan bemoans outside of Staples Center, his Kobe 8 home jersey swaying listfully in the smog as he uses his smartphone to update his Facebook status on a network he thinks is 4G because 4G is in the name but is actually far slower than the real 4G standard specifies. A small group of self-proclaimed "real Lakers faithful" have gathered in front of the stadium with signs of protest against the decision. Other vocal fans seem to have quickly moved into their acceptance stage of grief.

"Well I mean, his record isn't THAT bad, and he led LeBron and the crappy crap Cavs to like, 69 wins and a bunch of Finals and stuff, and he can fix the Lakers's defensive problems!" posts an anonymous fan on some forum. Sources say a few tried to "white knight" for the relatively reasonable poster before being overwhelmed by requests to STFU.

Mike Brown could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy spouting metaphors on ESPN's half-time show, and developing a game plan to not have Kobe hate him within 24 hours.

Former Lakers head coach Phil Jackson could not be reached for comment, although we think we heard him snickering and choking on his own spittle before hanging up his cell.


Novak Djokovic's opponents: Play the entire game assholes, there's already enough accusations of throwing matches in tennis as it is.


Lay's Lightly Salted Chips: Curse your magic, making me type with one hand until I finished consuming you! You're not even that delicious, why can't I stop...


Marriage: One word - Humpdashian.


-AnacondaHL

Bawful After Dark: May 25, 2011

"I'M OPEN! LET ME SHOOT IT!"

"Yeah, you're open for a reason!""...I'M OPEN! LET ME SHOOT IT!"
So it sounds like Mike Brown is your new Los Angeles Lakers head coach. Mike Freaking Brown. Get ready to go from the Triangle Offense to the What The Hell Am I Doing Offense!

Here's a fantastic what is this I don't even moment from the Basketball Jones.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Caption This!

Eh, what's up, Bosh?

LeBron's new nickname: Spoonman

You know you want to rock a pair of checkered flag socks the next time you're out in public

Nationally Televised Games:
Thunder at Mavericks, ESPN, 9pm (Mavs lead series 3-1): I saw this stat from the ESPN Stats and Info crew: "Kevin Durant was 0-6 with James Harden on the bench during the fourth quarter and overtime in Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals. Durant is now 1-9 from the floor this postseason with Harden on the bench during the fourth quarter and overtime, including 0-7 from the 3-pt line." So I guess the proper move here would be to play James Harden all 48 minute? Instant success! (Stretches back in chair, kicks feet up on desk) Damn, no wonder Mike Brown can be the Lakers coach. This job is easy! Where's my $4 million per year?