"UGH! Those septuple layer nachos with extra processed cheese just hit me!!"
Jeez, it's already 2011? Man, and I had just gotten used to writing 1997!
There's almost nothing resembling a competitive game tonight on the NBA schedule. The calendar may have flipped to 2011, but some things never change.
Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:
Yeah, Detroit will do that to you
...And I am officially tired of the "three goggles" celebration
"Turiaf SMASH! RAAAAAHH!"
"The Lakers are freeeeeee... free fallin'..."
Don't ever make that face again, plzkthx
Not only were we treated to a Lakers loss, but we also got Marc Gasol doing Marc Gasol things. Win/win!
Nationally Televised Games: 76ers at Hornets, NBA TV, 8pm: The Sixers have won the last three games between these two teams. I have but one question: what the hell, New Orleans???
All The Other Games: Warriors at Magic, 7pm: Okay, so maybe this trade worked out better for Orlando than I expected. (Who knew Hedo Turkoglu was still capable of being more than just a mannequin in a jersey and shorts? Ball.) I guess the "addition by subtraction" aspect of dumping Vince Carter is more powerful than I could have ever imagined.
Heat at Bobcraps, 7pm: The Heat almost let Golden State beat them the other day. That being said, the odds of the Bobcraps getting hot and knocking down jumpers and building a lead against anybody are pretty awful. Even Jordan wouldn't take those odds on his next trip to a sports book in Vegas.
Timberwolves at Celtics, 7:30pm: Get Rajon Rondo back, lose Kevin Garnett. Sigh.
Rockets at Nuggets, 9pm: Chauncey Billups has been on fire since returning from a sprained wrist. Great. Now he can get that out of his system and return to breaking everyone's hearts come April and May.
Pistons at Jazz, 9pm: The Jazz haven't lost to the Pistons since they drafted Deron Williams. Somehow I think these two might just somehow be related...
Speaking of Kevin Garnett, AnacondaHL shared an amazing Garnett quote earlier today:
"Shaq is paradise," said Garnett. "You ever wash your sheets and then set them out to dry in the sun? You ever smell those sheets when they're done? That's what Shaq is."
I... don't even know what to say. And since I'm still recovering from a turkey-induced food coma, let's just move on.
Worst of the Past Couple Nights in Pictures:
"HEY! Did I just see you playing defense?!? If I catch you doing that one more time, your ass is benched!!"
How about no...
Didn't you just lose like three straight games? Why are you celebrating?
Erik Spolestra just saw The Basketball Jones' video and realized it was like looking into the future
Hey, uh, LeBron, I think you got a little something in your teeth there... Wait, you mean you got a mouthpiece like that on purpose??
Nationally Televised Friday Games: Rockets at Bobcraps, ESPN2, 7pm: What's going on? TNT gives us two just horrible Thanksgiving night games, and ESPN (well, ESPN2 actually) has to try to match them?
Warriors at Grizzlies, ESPN2, 9:30pm: Okay, now they're just messing with us.
All The Other Friday Games: Cavaliers at Magic, 7pm: It's kind of funny now to think about how this used to be a real rivalry, isn't it?
Craptors at Celtics, 7:30pm: Instead of watching these dinosaurs and their unbelievable four game winning streak, you should instead prepare yourself to watch Triassic Attack Saturday night on the SyFy channel. Go and read this article for more information (come on, do it. It quotes Frank Coniff, AKA "TV's Frank" from Mystery Science Theater 3000!). The basic premise of the movie:
The movie is about the fossilized remains of dinosaurs that are brought back to life by a Native American spell and urged to wreak havoc on a small town. The ravenous, animated skeletons start eating as many people as they can.
However, because the resurrected dinosaurs are only bones, they have no digestive organs. So their human meals just drop to the ground after mastication.
Tell me that isn't 65 million times more awesome than a Craptors game.
Bucks at Pistons, 7:30pm: The now largely-unfeared deer from Wisconsin are sitting at a 5-9 record despite a solid defense because, as I've noted before, you still have to score more points than the other guy. Luckily for them, Detroit is also a five win team with a much less effective defense.
76ers at Heat, 7:30pm: And sadly the run of epic Heat failures comes to an end.
Thunder at Pacers, 8pm: The Thunder are 5-1 this year on the road, but going back a ways, they have lost 3 straight games in Indianapolis. I'm trying to figure this one out, but I'm just plain not smart enough to comprehend that. It's just the Pacers, guys. Get it together.
Mavericks at Spurs, 8:30pm: Interesting game. The Mavs are winning games, but not in a good way. Quoting Marc Stein on The BS Report: "The problem is if [Nowitzki] has to keep carrying the load he's carrying right now, we won't see him in April. He's playing spectacular, but this team is -- hard to watch right now is putting it kindly. They're winning games with [defense]... If Jason Terry has an off-night, they're huge trouble because half the time they're playing 2-on-5 offensively." The Spurs may have barely beaten the Timberpups in a goofy trap game, but they could really bring it to the Mavs here.
Bulls at Nuggets, 9pm: The Bulls need to win either this game or Saturday night at Suckramento to lock up their first winning record for the Circus Trip since Jordan was dunking all over people for them. Unfortunately, Derrick Rose and Taj Gibson are both gametime decisions tonight. Gibson's ankle is still a little sore, and Rose is fighting discomfort in his neck.
Clippers at Suns, 9pm: Now that the Clippers have gotten their one win for the week out of the way, they can go back to their usual godawful routine of failure.
Lakers at Jazz, 9:30pm: Sobering stat of the day: "The Utah Jazz have lost all three home games against teams that made the playoffs last season." And if you'll remember, the Lakers beat the holy hell out of the Jazz in the playoffs last year, and are on the warpath this year and intent on destroying everything in their sight. Sorry, Utah fans. Not looking good for tonight.
Hornets at Frail Blazers, 10pm: The Blazers were looking forward to getting Joel Przybilla back on the court (as were the rest of us here at Basketbawful), but it may not happen tonight. After recovering for nearly a full year from a ruptured patella, he finally gets ready to hit the court... and has to go to the hospital fighting a stomch virus. It's almost like somebody on the inside is sabotaging the Blazers at this point. (For the record, The Vanilla Gorilla is still a gametime decision, and will play limited minutes if he does get in the game)
* * *
Nationally Televised Saturday Games: Magic at Wizards Generals, NBA TV, 7pm: "Magic" and "wizards" battle it out in the matchup of geektacular team names!
All The Other Saturday Games: Hawks at Knicks, 1pm: I have nothing worth sharing related to this game, so I'll just share this: President Obama needed 12 stitches after getting hit in the mouth during a friendly game of hoops on Thanksgiving. At least it's better than what happened to Tiger Woods the last time we had a celebrity of sorts get injured over the Thanksgiving long weekend.
Nyets at 76ers, 7:30pm: Adrian Wojnarowski tweeted: "Terrence Williams had a lot of red flags for teams coming out of Louisville and chronic tardiness with Nets earns him demotion to D-League." As someone from Louisville who watched T-Will in college far too much... yes, he is D-League material.
Warriors at Timberwolves, 8pm: Are you ready for Darko to put up a 30/15/5 game? It's within the realm of possibility here, folks. Somebody please hold me. I'm scared.
Heat at Mavericks, 8:30pm: There will be a combination of five effective offensive players on the floor at once here. Too bad it's spread over two teams.
Bobcraps at Bucks, 9pm: The appeal of watching this game is like watching The Postman to see Tom Petty's cameo as himself in a post-apocalyptic Kevin Costner world. Terrible enough to be briefly amusing, but absolutely not worth it, and you feel like a worse person for seeing it. (However, it is worth it to check out the Youtube comments for the joke someone makes about living "like a refugee")
Bulls at Kings, 10pm: This reeks of trap game. Chicago looking forward to ending their road trip, Rose is a little banged up, Suckramento should in theory be an easy opponent...
* * *
All The Sunday Games: Hawks at Craptors, 1pm: As bad as the Hawks have struggled at times this season, at least they can take comfort in knowing they haven't lost twice in a week to the Craptors like the 76ers recently did. So that's nice.
Knicks at Pistons, 1:30pm: Including this game, the Knicks upcoming schedule: at Pistons, Nyets, at Hornets, at Craptors, T-Wolves, Craptors, at Generals. Seriously, I am willing to accept that the Knicks might reel off several wins in a few weeks here.
Spurs at Hornets, 3pm: Good game.
Jazz at Clippers, 3:30pm: Not so good of a game.
Thunder at Rockets, 7pm: At what point does Daryl Morey start drinking heavily?
Frail Blazers at Nyets, 7pm: Just thinking here... aren't we overdue for The Prokhorov to do something ridiculous and entertaining? I feel kinda let down.
Suns at Nuggets, 8pm: Newsflash: Amar''''e is a terrible defender. (I know, mindblowing news, right?) Well, here is some insight into that -- Amar'''e says nobody ever taught him how to play defense! Because of course it's impossible for him to seek other sources of knowledge...
Pacers at Lakers, 9:30pm: While the Lakers certainly will just steamroll over the Pacers in this game, they still won't be too upset if they do manage to somehow lose. They're the only team in the entire Pacific division that is above .500 as of Friday. Not that this is surprising since they play in the same conference as the Warriors, Kings, and Clippers, but still.
Yes another angle of this picture was in the WOTN, but damnit, it deserves to be seen again
After last night's absolutely unbelievable display of bawfulness, tonight feels like it should be a letdown night. But don't worry -- just look at the schedule! Terrible basketball will happen tonight, folks.
Just for the record, I already hate the Pacers since they essentially are the reason Louisville doesn't have a professional basketball team anymore. But also I'm going up against Chris in the Bawful Fantasy League this week, and he had two Pacers on his team. So yeah, I'm pretty much screwed this week. I know nobody cares about anybody else's fantasy team, but Chris demanded I mention this, so there you go.
Here's some news on Brandon Roy's gimpy knees, which apparently are getting worse and worse. The Frail Blazers legacy continues, sadly. Are we sure Brandon Roy isn't Greg Oden's long lost son?
SI's Jimmy Traina did a nice interview with Shaq (since, you know, it's not like Shaq has anything better to do right now). Among other things, we find out that one of his favorite movies is Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood and one of his favorite TV shows is In Living Color. Okay, so that's pretty cool. Respect to anyone who likes stuff from back when the Wayans Brothers were actually funny. Speaking of In Living Color, want to see Isiah Thomas and Patrick Ewing show up in a skit? Watch this.
BAM!!
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
Photographic evidence of Enver Nuggets _efense in action
Theoretically this was taken last night, but this could be a stock Clippers picture for all I know
"Do I still have any broccoli in my teeth?"
Kinda glad we can't see what Chris Paul is doing back there...
The Pissed Ons continue to make Detroit even more depressing than it already was
Mike D'Antoni doing what he does best
GASOL OVERLOAD
Poor, poor New Jersey
Nationally Televised Games: Jazz at Magic, ESPN, 7pm: Just a stab in the dark here, but I don't think Paul Millsap is going to go into Beast Mode again tonight.
Clippers at Spurs, ESPN, 9:30pm:Another case of the Clippers being on national television for reasons I cannot begin to comprehend.
All The Other Games: Bucks at Hawks, 7pm: So much for the 6 game winning streak to start the year. The Hawks are now 6-2, but chin up! The only fearing of deer that will be done this season is fearing they might jump in front of your car while driving at night. (You don't want to know about my story about that...)
Rockets at Wizards Generals, 7pm: To quote Silvio from the WOTN comments, "Tonight Rockets (1-5) at Generals (1-4). And that's even not the bawfulest game of the night..."
Also, to finish quoting Silvio's epic rant, "Things like that makes me mad. I mean, there's so much teams that have potential to mimic Nyets 10-72 season (if not "better" it with single digits win), but they're not allowed to fulfill their potential. Why? Because those crappy crap teams play each other night after night after night. Look at Cavs - 3 games winning streak as schedule gave them Sixers, Generals and Nyets. And tonight they get ... Nyets again. Not fair. Not fair that one team is going to get W. Clippers. After Spurs tonight, Clippers host Pissed-Ond and Nyets, travel to Timberpoops and Pacers, then play Knicks at home. They're bound to take some win(s) out of that soft schedule. Yes, even them. There should be some rule like: if both teams play bawful game - neither gets win. Or, winner gets only 1/2 of win. Or something, this way NBA administration is denying those crappy teams their right to have single digits wins season."
Nyets at Cavaliers, 7:30pm: Because, hey, if you didn't get your fill of bad basketball between these two teams last night, you get to do it all over again tonight! The NBA: Where Groundhog Day Without Bill Murray's Charm Happens.
Warriors at Knicks, 7:30pm: OMG this is David Lee's first game in New York since being traded!! Too bad nobody really cares.
76ers at Thunder, 8pm: Hey everyone, remember when the Thunder were good? What happened? Lucky for them the Seventy Suxorz are in town!
Mavericks at Grizzlies, 8pm: Okay, yes, the Mavs lost to the Grizzlies a couple weeks ago. But Dirk cut his hair! There's no way they can lose now!
Timberwolves at Kings, 10pm: Continuing our Darko Watch, he is averaging 4.4 ppg on 28% shooting this year, hitting only 53.8% of his free throws. He's averaging 1.1 assists to 2.13 turnovers and only 5 boards (even though he's 7'0").
I just read this totally unsurprising bit of news on the ESPN NBA Rumors page:
Jermaine O'Neal missed a second consecutive practice on Monday due to a tight left hamstring and will be shut down for the week as a precautionary measure. He will miss the first two exhibition games against the 76ers and Nets.
So The Drain is already hurt and has to be shut down for the week? Before appearing in a single preseason game for the Celtics? He must have been forced to do demanding and rigorous things during the C's practice sessions. Like maybe deep breathing and standing in place.
For the record, O'Neal ranks first among NBA players I could see straining a hammy while just standing. Carlos Boozer ranks a very close second. Greg Oden doesn't make this list because his hamstring would probably erupt out of his leg and try to strangle him if he so much as thought about standing up.
Head coach Doc Rivers says he won't take any chances this early in the year and will give time to the rookies.
"I just think that, when you look at [Shaquille O'Neal] and Jermaine, and think they can play 82 healthy games -- that'd be nice, but we have to be ready for them to miss a couple games and be able to play through it," Rivers told ESPNBoston.com. "That's why guys like Luke Harangody and Semih Erden are so important. Until Kendrick Perkins comes back, they're going to have to play, one of them at least."
Let's recap: Drain and The Big Geritol were Boston's two great offseason pickups, yet Doc Rivers has so little confidence in their ability to stay healthy that Luke Harangody and Semih Erden have apparently become critical to the Celtics' championship aspirations.
Luke Harangody and Semih Erden.
The sound you just heard were the Vegas oddsmakers scrambling to lower Boston's chances at making it back to the Finals next summer. Either that or Phil Jackson laughing. Or maybe Red Auerbach's soul crying out in despair from the afterlife. Take your pick.
O'Neal say he isn't worried about the hamstring, but defining his role on the team.
"I'm not really concerned about [the hamstring]," O'Neal said. "I'm more concerned about being in with the guys and getting that chemistry up. The first four days [of camp] were really good. Wednedsay, Thursday, and Friday [at camp], I was just starting to get comfortable with the system, the philosophies that Doc wanted and also playing with those guys. It's very difficult to learn areas of an offense and defense when you're not in there. That's probably the most frustrating part about it, but I don't have any doubt in my mind that I'll be back in there soon."
No doubt. Then back out of there. Then back in there. Then back out of there...
"I feel me being here and what I've done for this (team) ... (an offer) would have at least been extended, and it wasn't," Martin told The Denver Post. "I don't know who made that decision, but the decision was made. And I ain't happy. They know it. Everybody knows it.
"I'm not rushing whatsoever. The day I come back is the day I come back," Martin said. "Think about it: Ain't nobody in a hurry to give me a contract, so why would I be in a hurry to rush back and risk further injury? Makes all the sense in the world, right? Trust me, I've thought about it plenty.
"I didn't get hurt on my own. I got hurt playing basketball. I didn't get hurt doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing. I got hurt playing basketball. Overuse, is what the doctor told me. I got a tear in my patella. I didn't get that nowhere else but playing for the Nuggets last year."
Kinda reminds me of when Shaq waited all summer to have toe surgery, then did it right before the Lakers' training camp started and said: "I got hurt on company time, so I'll heal on company time." That was The Big Lazy's next-to-last season in L.A.
So yeah, I'm sure this thing with Martin will totally end well.
I keep glancing over at the calendar on my cubicle wall while at work, and I keep looking at the date on my phone the rest of the time. We're getting so close to the start of the NBA season, even if it feels like a million years from now (which is, coincidentally, the same timeframe as when we can expect the Clippers to return to the playoffs).
Kevin Durant just picked up Team USA on his back and carried them to a FIBA world championship (America, fuck yeah!). Aside from further ripping the hearts out of Seattle basketball fans and leaving Portland fans cursing Greg Oden's name, that means we're left without any actual basketball activity for a few weeks. So what is there to do with that downtime??? The same thing we do every year -- make horrible predictions!
Nearly every sportswriter in the country will dish out their mindless prognostications about the upcoming season in the next few weeks, so why don't we beat them to the punch? Besides, who cares about making simple predictions like who will win the championship? I know you guys can do better than that. There are more bawful things to consider, like who will be the first player to get busted for possession this season? How many crab dribbles will LeBron get away with in the first month of the season? Post your thoughts in the comments. I'm sure it will be fun to look back at them after the season's done!
Sorry if you were going to predict that the Minnesota Timberwolves will take out a full page ad in the back of the newspaper to inform their fans that the team will suck again this year -- you're too late. This already happened. (And since I got the link to that article from a Simmons tweet, I feel I must include this: KAAAHHHNNN!!!)
You'll need to read the article to get a full appreciation for how amazing this is, but I'll give you a brief rundown: Shawn Darling, who worked as Shaq's personal IT guy a few years ago, basically accuses Shaq of doing lots of illegal activities trying to cover up a myriad of affairs. These activities include hacking into voicemails, changing phone passwords, throwing a PC with evidence on it into a lake, illegally obtaining restricted info on mistresses through people he knows in law enforcement, and finally this gem: "At that point, Darling claims Shaq sent him threatening messages, tried to break into his voicemail and enlisted the help of an active Arizona detective to master a computer program that would allegedly allow him to frame Darling for possession of child pornography so that Shaq could confiscate the computer holding evidence of his affair with Lopez."
So getting back to my previous point before being interrupted by so much bawful... we'd love to hear your predictions for this season. Head to the comments section and have fun!
Shaq can't sink a free throw, but he can sink a clutch putt. Who knew?
When not busy being (lamely) pranked at a Waffle House, Shaq has been doing the latest season of his Shaq Versus reality TV show. (You know, the show whose concept he stole from Steve Nash). His latest escapade on the show? Turning into basketball version of The Big Happy Gilmore. Well, minus the Bob Barker ass-whuppin', natch.
Having never before played golf, Shaq hit the links to take on none other than Charles Barkley, the man who has quite possibly the single worst golf swing in the history of the game. It only resembles a golf swing in the way that Greg Ostertag resembles a finely tuned athletic machine.
In something of a surprise, nobody was killed by an errant drive, and Shaq actually won. Shaq never wins these things! Okay, yes, Chuck is pretty much turrible at golf these days, but at least he's actually played before. Anyone who has ever swung a golf club knows how ridiculously difficult it is to hit that damnable little white ball with a stick and get it to go anywhere other than the woods or the lumberyard.
Then again, even considering that difficulty level, beating Sir Charles at golf is something like beating a ten year old at wiffle ball. (Unless of course the kid has been studying Tom Emanski's defensive drills. Gotta throw that caveat in there. You don't mess with a kid who can throw a ball in a trash can from center field off one bounce.) So I wouldn't exactly throw a DVD of that episode in the trophy case at the Shaq household. Gotta leave some room for that 2011 NBA championship ring, right? Right? Oh damn it, I can't even delude myself into thinking Shaq on the Celtics will work out...
As the poet / philosopher duo Matt Stone and Trey Parker once wrote: Freedom isn't free. No, there's a hefty fucking fee. And if you don't throw in your buck oh five, who will?
The NBA equivalent to the $1.05 they were talking about is practicing free throws. Some guys like Ray Allen do it. Others...don't. Here are my personal picks for the worst of the "don'ts."
The Winner: Chris Dudley
Christen Guilford Dudley once said: "So I wasn't good at free throws. Neither is Shaq. So really, you could describe my game as Shaq-esque." Based on how Shaq treated Dudley when they played against each other, it's probably a good thing Chris uttered this quote after retirement.
Dudley's career free throw percentage of 45.8 isn't the lowest among the players in this list. So why does Dudders rank first among my worsts? It's not simply because he 817 of 1,508 freebies over his (gulp!) 15-year career. What sets Dudley apart are some of his dubious fouls shooting accomplishments.
For instance, according to his NBA.com bio: "On April 14, 1990, he missed 17 of 18 free throws in a 124-113 loss to the Indiana Pacers. In that game he broke Wilt Chamberlain s NBA record by missing 13 straight free throws, one of them an airball. Dudley wound up with a league-worst .319 free-throw percentage."
Yep: 1-for-18 with 13 consecutive misses. Here's the box score.
But you know what? When that most bawful of charity stripe performances happened, it was only the second-worst free throw shooting moment of Dudley's career. From SportCenter's This Day In Sports:
January 29, 1989 — Cavs center Chris Dudley stepped to the free throw line and did something no one in the NBA had ever done. And that wasn't a good thing. Dudley, a celebrated defender, rebounder and shot-blocker, was a somewhat below-average free throw shooter. OK, he was a somewhat awful free throw shooter, with a career average of 45.8 percent, which is better than Ben Wallace but worse than Shaq. But in a January game against the Washington Bullets, he took poor free throw shooting to a new level.
Dudley got fouled, stepped to the line and missed both shots. NBD. But the ref called a lane violation on a Bullets guard, so Dudley shot a third. Which he missed. Another lane violation (this one by Bullets center Dave Feitl) brought another attempt and another miss (that's four for those counting at home). Amazingly, Feitl was called for another lane violation. And amazingly, Dudley missed his fifth and final (of the series) free throw attempt, becoming the first player to miss five free throws in one trip.
The bottom line is that when Dudley went to the line, the results were like jamming your hand into a running blender. You knew something bad was going to happen, but the variations of horror were nearly limitless.
The Runners Up: Ben Wallace, Shaq, Wilt Chamberlain
How did Big Ben miss out on the top spot? Well, for starters, he actually made significant non-foul shooting contributions to a Pistons team that made two NBA Finals and won a title. He also doesn't hold the two amazing records Dudley has.
Still, Ben earning top Worst Evers honors wouldn't have been a traveshamockery. After all, his lifetime FT% of 41.7 was accomplished by missing 1,501 of his 2,575 career FT attempts. It got to the point where NBA arenas started seriously considering handing out crash helmets and safety goggles to every fan sitting in the 100 level seats when Wallace came to town just to reduce their liability.
When last we saw Big Ben, he was going 1-for-9 from the free throw line, which included consecutive airballs. Last night, he went 0-for-5. But it's even worse than that.
With just over a minute left, Paul Pierce seemingly committed a foul on Pistons rookie Jonas Jerebko. Only the Celtics bitched and bitched until the refs sent Wallace to the line instead. He missed them both, obviously, and then left the game almost immediately with a "knee injury" (it's a shame he didn't claim flu-like symptoms.)
Wallace is now 2-for-20 from the line in Detroit's last five games. And opposing coaches have gone to the Hack-a-Ben strategy twice during that stretch.
Said Pistons coach John Kuester: "Ben has been in this league for a long time, and he knows that he has to work his way out of this. It's certainly not a question of effort -- he's the first one in the gym and the last one out. He hits 70 percent in practice, but he's got to go to the line and make them in the games."
I love it. First one to the gym and the last one out. I swear, every player is described like that these days. Guy must never leave practice. I hope Detroit's practice facility is filled with cots.
Okay, I lied about topping things off. Here's Big Ben airballing consecutive freebies...with the game on the line:
Click here for a funnier fan-made video of those misses.
Then there's Shaq. His career FT% of 52.7 seems almost ridiculously high compared to Dudley and Wallace. But he's sure got them in sheer volume. The Big Clanky has missed an astounding 5,259 foul shots (out of 11,121 attempts) in his 18 NBA seasons. That's more than most players ever get to take. For example, Shaq's former teammate Derek Fisher has only 2,200 career FTAs despite playing 1,028 games over 15 seasons. At this rate, Fish will retire having attempted fewer than half of the foul shots Shaq missed.
Shaq's inability to convert freebies have us one of the great quotes -- not to mention one of the greatest fallacies -- in NBA history:
"I don't care about my [free throw shooting] percentages. I keep telling everyone that I make them when they count." - Shaquille O'Neal, in post-game interviews recorded by WOAI-TV on November 7, 2003
In a larger sense, The Big Misfire's inaccuracy at the line gave us the immortal Hack-a-Shaq strategy. Not only is it memorable, it can (and has been) transferred to other lousy foul shooters: Hack-a-Bowen, Hack-a-Dwight, Hack-a-Ben, etc.
Last but never, ever least, we have Wilt Chamberlain. Everything about this man was larger-than-life. Everybody knows about the 100-point and how he averaged 50 PPG during the 1961-62 season. And then there's the claim that he shagged 20,000 women. What people don't know is that, while he was still in the NBA, Wilt tried to miss one free throw for every woman he violated with what we have to assume was an enormous and terrifying penis.
The Big Dipper ranks second all-time in free throws attempted with 11,862. (Karl Malone is the all-time leader with 13,188, but he played four more seasons than The Stilt.) Unfortunately, Chamberlain ranks only 14th in free throws made with 6,057.
For those of you who enjoy simple math, that means Wilt had 5,805 clanks in 14 seasons. This means that even though he's played four more seasons than Wilt did, Shaq is still almost 600 missed FTs behind Chamberlain. Ouch.
Speaking of ouch, Wilt was such a turrible foul shooter that Chamberlain -- a true giant of a man -- was often forced to run away from players who were trying to intentionally foul him. And the NBA had to institute rules changes because of it:
Chamberlain was such a great player and dominant force that he would be certain to be on the floor in late-game situations if the score was close. However, he was such a poor free throw shooter (51% over his career) that if the opposition needed to employ intentional fouling late in the game, Chamberlain would always be that team's target. Just as the opposition was eager to send Chamberlain to the free throw line because of his ineptitude there, Chamberlain himself was reluctant to go for that same reason. This led to the spectacle of virtually an entire other contest being held away from the ball and almost completely outside of the basketball game being played, as Chamberlain essentially played a de facto game of tag with defenders, attempting to run from and dodge them as they chased him trying to foul him.
The NBA decided to address this undesirable situation by instituting a new rule regarding off-the-ball fouls—that is, committing a personal foul against an offensive player who neither has the ball nor is making an effort to obtain it. The new rule stated that if the defensive team commits an off-the-ball foul within the last two minutes of the game, the offensive team would be allowed to keep possession of the ball after the awarding of either one or two free throws. Since the entire reason for employing intentional fouling as a strategy was to quickly terminate the offensive team's possession, this new rule, when in effect, forced the team using intentional fouling to foul only the offensive player who had the ball. This brought an end to the need for Chamberlain, or any other poor free throw shooter, to play "hide and seek" with opposing defenders in intentional fouling situations.
"The reason they have that rule is that fouling someone off-the-ball looks foolish...Some of the funniest things I ever saw were players that used to chase [Wilt Chamberlain] like it was hide-and-seek. Wilt would run away from people, and the league changed the rule based on how silly that looked." - Pat Riley
So Wilt couldn't hit his freebies...so what? Chicks dug him.
Tony Allen must have seen a replay of himself taking a jumper
Fantastically random website of the day: Shaqtion. "Shaqtion replaces these complicated inches and pounds with something that everyone can relate to: Your size, relative to Shaquille O'Neal."
Doc complains about flopping, but then flops after contact with The Invisible Man. Hypocrite.
And you thought two clutch free throws were the only things Vujacic contributed to Game 3
Okay, seriously, is Luke Walton in on the joke, or is he just that oblivious?
This looks like it'd fit right in a movie in super slow motion.... "Noooooooooo!" (Alternatively, "Baaaaaaaall!") (via Basketbawful reader Sorbo)
NBA Finals - Game 4: Lakers at Celtics - ABC, 9:00pm Lakers lead series 2-1
Alright Celtics, you're only down one game. You barely lost Game 3 despite Ray Allen having a historically bad shooting night and Paul Pierce spending most of his night perfecting his disappearing act for his off-season magic show. Don't stop believing!!!
Uh... on second thought, maybe we need a different motivational method. Hopefully Doc Rivers was working on that when he wasn't developing an actual rotation to develop bench players that would also give his starters valuable rest.
Shaq isn't sweating because he's been playing so hard -- he just saw someone eating a hot dog in the stands and it got him all hot and bothered
Welcome to your post-LeBron-Meltdown BAD post. Lots of videos and such today, so I'm going to have to add dividers to make this section more readable!
Speaking of Shaq, Basketbawful reader plonden sent us this video of Shaq blatantly bawful traveling last night.
As plonden noted: "Unbelievable that did not get called." I'm sure LeBron would argue something about it being a crab dribble. How appropriate should this truly be LeBron's final game as a Crabolier.
* * * Chris sent me this ad from Facebook: Chris summed it up well: "Um, aren't you supposed to approach the PLAYOFFS with the right mindset first?"
* * *
As featured today on Deadspin, the city of Cleveland still pines for LeBron, no matter how much our readers and commenters may feel otherwise.
I don't think we have to worry about the Cuyahoga River catching on fire anymore -- the flood of tears shed by these poor Cleveland fans will certainly take care of that.
* * *
Also passed along on Deadspin, Bill Self would like you to know about an upcoming charity event to be held in Kansas City by doing his best "John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever" leisure suit disco dancing. Because nothing makes me want to attend a charity event like basketball coaches in white leisure suits.
(And okay, I'll admit it, I do love Saturday Night Fever and I actually like the Bee Gees. Fire away.)
* * *
Per Basketbawful reader Heretic, Sasha Vujacic has a fan club, and it is one of the most confusing, sad things I can imagine. It's fairly telling that AnacondaHL and I both had the same exact reaction: "What in the hell... "
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
LeBron is somehow less interested here than he was at the end of Games 5 and 6.
This is going well beyond the standard shug and into uncomfortable territory
Mike Brown hasn't technically been fired yet, but isn't it just a matter of time?
All The Sunday Games: Celtics at Magic - ABC, 3:30pm Series tied 0-0
Can the Celtics continue their inspired play? Have the Magic gone into hibernation waiting so long to play again after thoroughly dominating their first two opponents? Will Pumaman get into foul trouble the second the ball is tipped off? Will Vag Carter do something incredibly dumb in crunch time and blow the game? Will Paul Pierce's corpse be reanimated or continue to decompose on the floor? So many questions!
Editor's note: Many thanks to Rudy W. for the top picture and to stephanie g for most of the other pics.
The Cleveland Cavaliers: What can I say? I was stunned last night when the Celtics eliminated the Craboliers, and I'm still stunned today. Not only was Cleveland the league's best regular season team led by the best player in the Nine Realms, but Boston was supposed to fail. I mean, the Celts had been failing all season...they were a bunch of broken down (or breaking) old geezers who didn't give a shit anymore. I've seen bugs explode on my windshield that weren't as left for dead as the C's were at various points over the past six months.
And yet they're moving on while the Crabs have gone fishin'. The mighty Crabs couldn't make it out of the second round...couldn't even force a seventh game. What happened?
Offensively, however, the Cavs were disastrous, especially in the second half. Cleveland got to the break in decent shape thanks to a 20-point first half from Mo Williams, but scored only 36 points after halftime. While there's a laser focus on LeBron James' performance, he and Williams were the only two scorers who did anything.
The other Cavaliers were 12-of-44 from the field, including 2-of-10 from Antawn Jamison -- acquired at midseason to be the final piece of Cleveland's keep-LeBron-at-all-costs puzzle as he enters his free agent year.
And of course, there were the turnovers -- 24 of them, nearly a quarter of the Cavs' possessions. An average figure is barely half that. The Cavs struggled even when they kept the ball, as they misfired on 3s (5-of-17), missed 10 foul shots of their own and shot only 41.1% inside the arc. LeBron, of course, was a major contributor with nine turnovers, and he once again struggled from outside; over the final two games he was three-of-19 from the field.
Dr. Jack Ramsay thinks that, in addition to Mo Williams running out of gas, Antawn Jamison forgetting to show up, a collective no-show by the Cleveland bench and woeful coaching from Mike Brown, the Craboliers got jipped by the officials:
In the fourth quarter after LeBron hit those two 3-pointers to cut the deficit to four, I thought Cleveland caught a couple of bad breaks. Anderson Varejao was fouled twice and the officials didn't call either one, allowing the Celtics to get fast-break opportunities instead of sending Varejao to the foul line. The Cavs never got back into it.
Uh huh. I'm here to tell you there were some iffy calls going both ways. In other words, it was a typical NBA playoff game.
Let's face it, this was a complete team meltdown, one through 12 and the entire coaching staff. It was a choke job of near Biblical proportions. I actually thought that Mo Williams' offensive explosion -- 20 points in the first half -- would save them. After all, the theory was that LeBron only needed one of his teammates to step up, that Cleveland only had to keep things close, for King Crab to prevail.
But it didn't happen. Even when the Crabs took a brief third quarter lead, they looked flat. Even when LeBron hit back-to-back threes to cut Boston's lead to 78-74 early in the fourth quarter, you could kind of tell his teammates had stopped believing, if not in their leader then in themselves. On one possession, Williams bricked a wide open 15-footer -- and I mean bricked badly -- but Cleveland nabbed the offensive board. The ball rotated to an open Jamison, who's shot was both rushed and wide right (laces out!).
None of the Craboliers wanted the ball in crunch time.
The body language was as surprising as anything else: Dipped heads, slumped shoulders, guys just walking around, seemingly disinterested in whatever "play" Mike Brown was calling from the sideline. Even King Crab's triple-double -- 27 points, 19 rebounds, 10 assists -- was marred by 9 turnovers, 8-for-21 shooting, and a notable lack of aggression. The effort was there. Nobody grabs 19 rebounds in an elimination game without trying. But it seemed like his will was broken.
And how 'bout those final minutes, when the Crabs were still (technically) within striking distance but refused to foul to stop the clock. Here's how Basketbawful reader Clifton put it:
Gawd, watching the last 1:30 of that game was awkward. I mean, AWKWARD. You were literally watching the complete dissolution of a team's psyche. Just content to let the Celtics get it over with...Varejao standing 6 feet from Pierce with his hands on his hips for 10 seconds on the C's next-to-last possession might be the image I'll remember the longest.
That was horrible, though. It was like having two friends who used to be married, but have been divorced for a few years, and watching them argue over who "has to be saddled with" their 7-year-old this weekend...in front of their 7-year-old.
It would have been less painful to watch if they'd gone up to the scorer's table with 1:30 left and forfeited. Seriously, down 9 with 90 seconds to go? Steep climb, sure, but it's POSSIBLE. This wasn't like watching a team down 20 with 1:30 left playing full-court press. Cleveland still had a chance, albeit a small one, at the point when they gave up.
I'm still shaking my head. I can't fathom what I just saw. Hey, free-agency-world, it's LeBron! Guaranteed to actually quit on your team when the going gets tough. Whatever, someone's still going to give him sick cash, but I think the respective 4th quarters of the last two games have done more to cement LeBron's legacy in my mind than any of his "dominating" performances. You don't get the measure of a man by his actions when times are good. It's when the sh*t hits the fan when you find out what a man's made of.
Of course, Clifton's outlook contrasts starkly with a reader e-mail Henry Abbott published on TrueHoop:
You rarely see any athlete take the kind of criticism LeBron has over the past few days. I'm having trouble thinking of another instance where someone has had such a brilliant start to his career and had every part of his game and psychological makeup questioned.
There's nothing wrong with questioning someone's play after a bad game, but people have attacked his heart, desire, and even basketball IQ in the blogosphere. Supposedly he doesn't have a "killer instinct" despite the fact that he has single-handedly destroyed many teams in the playoffs previously.
All this, and we still don't have any real information on the seriousness of his injury.
I don't know if people are just jealous of his success, like to act like know-it-alls, or just get some weird enjoyment at being able to tear someone down behind the anonymity of the internet. But it's kind of gross.
I'm sure there are people who are, as that TrueHoop reader pointed out, attacking LeBron. It's sports, it happens, get over it. But I also believe there are a lot of people who are trying to make sense of what they've "Witnessed." For the last several years, we've all been subjected to a non-stop LeBron-a-thon...all LeBron, all the time. And most recently, the dude has received back-to-back MVPs, received praise by leading stat geeks as perhaps the greatest by-the-numbers player ever, and been proclaimed as The Guy Who's Going To Supplant Michael Jordan As The Greatest Of All Time.
Then this happens.
You know, people used to believe that leaving a pile of wet rags in the corner of their house would make frogs. I'm not kidding. Same as people used to think -- and some still do -- that walking under a ladder or breaking a mirror will cause bad luck. Human beings need answers for things that don't make sense. When the near-consensus BEST PLAYER ON THE PLANET and his BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE fail in back-to-back years as the undisputed favorite, our collective gasts become a little flabbered. So please forgive us.
And here are some more random comments from Bawful readers and contributors:
I love how ESPN has to have A Very Special Edition of SportsCenter in the wake of King Crab suffering from a New England seafood bake tonight!
I also love Paul "Wheelchair" Pierce telling the media straight up "We're not really proud of this...our goal this year was to win a championship, not just one series" when being asked "how do you feel about this accomplishment of actually winning a series as an underdog?"
I love how this dramatic ESPN segment is comparing King Crab losing in the second round...to things like The Fumble and other forms of Cleveland sports fail.
A few minutes ago, as the press conference camera panned on an empty chair with a Gatorade bottle...
"It's like Waiting for Godot. No wait, it's like a Gatorade commercial."
Um, I think Godot not showing up still didn't do as much philosophical damage as LeBron not showing up in Game 5...
And yes, an actual Gatorade commercial played right after that. Sigh.
WoTN nomination for the refs for the non-call on the Big Geritol's travel. He switched his pivot foot at least two separate times. Pure bawful at its finest.
Sorbo:
Read Simmons book where he talks about Kobe. He's right, there are two sides of Kobe, the Fox and the Wolf. He knows the best way to win a game, he just always wants to be the one to make the big shot. That's his career: stuck between the best way to win and him being the hero. You can't always be both. Watch Game 5 against Oklahoma, when Kobe accepting the win and not the hero status.
We have to bring it up now, because the biggest free agent story just shit his pants in the second round. Let me call it for you: LeBron in New York. He'll go there and Stoudemire won't be far behind. Wade will stay in Miami and Bosh will go to Chicago. Isn't it funny that the supposed "three best players" and Joe Johnson will be watching the playoffs from here on out? Meanwhile Pumaman is heading towards his second Eastern Finals and possibly second Finals. MVP recount?
I can't remember a year where both Magic and Bird both missed the conference finals.
BTW. LeBron in Chicago is crazy talk. He would only go there if they traded Rose (too many ball handlers, if Rose stays), and Chicago would get nothing in return (Rose still in his rookie contract). Plus, he hates Noah. Hates him. Not hate-respects him, but hates him.
That would be like someone saying that in 1990 Jordan would go to Detroit because they had Laimbeer and Thomas. Just stupid. The Clippers have a better shot at LeBron than Chicago.
Last year when LeBron didn't shake the hands of the Magic players and was criticized for it he defended his actions, saying something like he wouldn't want to shake the hand of someone who beat him. If he really believes that, why did he shake the Celtics players' hands? I just hate that he never actually admitted that he was wrong, but he clearly knows he did the wrong thing (or he still doesn't understand what he did wrong, but his advisers told him not to make the same mistake again).
I wonder how much the whole LeBron's free agency thing was a distraction to the Crabs. Do you think the whole thing cost Cleveland a championship? How funny would that be if LeBron's ego trip with this free agency nonsense cost him a title and brought all this scrutiny on himself.
Heretic:
Yeah the Cavs just decided "Fuck it man, we are who you thought we were" at the end of the fourth. Didn't they watch the Reggie Miller documentary? Miracles can happen!! Well maybe its because from the sport cursed land of Cleveland.
LeBron James: Like I said above: 9 turnovers for the near quadruple-bumble. And some of them weren't forced. They were just bad, bad decisions. And it wasn't just 'Bron's ball handling and shooting that was off. He was off. He was not the same player we saw during the regular season, or even the same player that single-handedly decimated the Pistons in the playoffs a few years back. Something was wrong. I don't know if it was the elbow, or the pressure of expectations, or the doubt about his own future. But this was not the King Crab we're used to seeing.
Heck, he didn't even try to contest this dunk by KG:
I will always remember the way LeBron glared around after he hit a half-court shot in Game 4 of Cleveland's first round series against the Bulls. Experts and fans were all like, "Oooo! You can see how determined LeBron is this year!" Watch it:
Mind you, his team was already up 20 points at the time. No offense, but it's easy to act like a badass when you're blowing away an inferior team. I didn't see many of those glares, or any dancing, or any of the other antics associated with the Crabs going on against Boston. Funny thing that.
Mmm...Crab vomit.
Shaq: 11 points, 4 rebounds, zero blocked shots and 5 personal fouls in 24 minutes. At this point, The Big Geritol would make a slightly above-average backup center on a good team. Seriously, that's his ceiling right now. Remember back when Shaq said he'd retire when he was "only as good as David Robinson"? The Admiral closed out his career as an integral part of a championship team. Meanwhile, the self-proclaimed Most Dominant Ever couldn't even championship piggyback alongside the best player in the multiverse. Yeah, I think Shaq is done.
Antawn Jamison: Cleveland traded for him so that he could be, in Reggie Miller's words, "the Robinson to LeBron's Batman." His elimination game contribution: 5 points, 2-for-10 shooting, 5 rebounds, zero assists, and countless terrified, please-don't-pass-me-the-ball looks on his face. Speaking of which...
As Basketbawful reader Heretic put it:
Rasheed made a couple of threes...un-fucking-believable. That Tony Allen dunk was vicious as hell, he cocked it way back and wham right in the face of Jamison.
I live in the DC area and even though Jamison was half decent on the Wizards, I had the feeling that on a better team he would wilt. Good to know my Shitty Player In Disguise Detector (patent pending) is still working.
Can you believe that, as recently as the first round of the playoffs, people were still comparing the Jamison-to-Cleveland trade to the Gasol-to-L.A. deal? Ha!
Mo Williams in the second half: Mo giveth...and Mo taketh away. Williams kept the Crabs in the game in the first half by scoring 20 points, but he managed only 2 points in the second half and finished with a second-worst-in-the-game 5 turnovers versus only 4 assists. I think Bill Simmons put it best when he said Williams was the pimple on the ass of the All-Star game.
Cleveland's bench: Anderson Varejao's 6-point, 7-rebound performance was the best this group could muster. Did I mention Andy shot 2-for-7? Freaking J.J. Hickson -- who was so important during the regular season -- earned a freaking Mario. On that subject...
Mike Brown: Let's see: He still hasn't learned how to coach an offense and he randomly decided to scrap his rotation for the final few playoff games. Is Mike Brown the worst coach to ever win Coach of the Year? Quite possibly, yes. But you know what? I've been going after Brown for years now and I don't have the energy to do it anymore. Once you've beaten a dead horse into a rine, red paste, what's left? So if you want to pick up your torch and pitchfork to help drive Mike out of Cleveland, head over to the Bleacher Report to read all about why the Cavaliers should fire Brown.
LeBron James, quote machine: "The fact that it's over right now is definitely a surprise to me. A friend of mine told me, 'I guess you've got to go through a lot of nightmares before you realize your dream.' That's what's going on for me individually right now."
Dennis Manoloff, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Alex B. sent in this Manoloff quote:
If the 2008-2009 and 2009-2010 Cavaliers can't win a title, which team from the big three is going to break through and finally connect with the '64 Browns?
The answer is none.
It's not going to happen.
Cleveland will never win a championship in the NBA or another one in the NFL or MLB. Never. Not in my lifetime, not in anybody's lifetime from here on out.
As Alex put it: "Wow...I'd recommend a sad trombone, but this is cold enough."
Takin' pictures: Fun.
ESPN experts: Fail.
Kevin Garnett, scold machine: KG just loves spanking the Baby.
Lacktion report: And now for chris's Crustacean cookoff Thursday playoff lacktion report:
Crabs-Celtics: Zydrunas Ilgauskas finishes his second stint for Cuyahoga County's crab crew with a 3:2 Voskuhl (fouls against a field goal) in 14:53, while J.J. Hickson had to decide between Princess Peach and Pauline in 10 seconds for a Mario.
For Coach Kevin Garnett, er, Doc Rivers, Marquis Daniels collected a basket of creminis in just 6 seconds for a SUPER MARIO!
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