Bawful After Dark: Weekend Watch

We are all Nowitznesses. But especially this guy.

Welcome to the final BAD Weekend Watch of the season, and possibly the final BAD post period of the season. (And for perhaps quite a while, thanks to the nearly inevitable lockout.) Thank God we have this dedicated Dirk Nowitzki fan to ease the pain. I feel better already!

Worst of Game 5 in Pictures:

This is the most Brian Cardinal-y picture I've seen in ages, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

SAD FACE.
(Sorry Heat fans, but this, too, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside)

That's some crowded air space -- is the air traffic controller sleeping on the job again?

Why the hell is Rick Carlisle committing invisible harakiri? Didn't his team win?

Even the Smurfs went through an unfortunate disco phase

"But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril. There was no pick! I did not pick! There was no pick!"

Game 6 of the NBA Finals:
Mavericks at Heat, ABC, 8pm Sunday (Mavs lead series 3-2): If Brian Cardinal gets meaningful minutes in this game, the Mavs win. Book it. Besides, there's always time later for the Heat to win a title. Allen Iverson wants to make an NBA comeback. When he comes back at age 38 after next year is completely wiped out by a lockout (Great Simmons piece about the lockout here), I'm sure AI can join the Heat and lead them to the promised land of rings and trophies.

That being said, the Mavericks are still far from a championship. Not only are they going to win in Miami to take the title, but they are also fighting one of the most unbelievable stat curses in basketball history: Jason Terry's tattoo of the NBA championship trophy. Certainly even Devin Harris would shy away from such insolent taunting of The Way The Game Is Supposed To Be Played.

Bawful After Dark: June 9, 2011

Mike Miller's ninja sneak attack was not as stealthy as he'd anticipated

Better keep this short so you guys can sneak in a nap. The way this series has been going, I fully expect the remaining games to all go quadruple overtime.

(Chris: And for everyone's viewing enjoyment, here's the Apple Daily animated news recap of Game 4!!!!)



Worst of Game 4 in Pictures:

Jason Terry likes to do this when he scores -- I like to think this celebration applies to the bedroom as well as the basketball court

Aww, DeShawn just wants a hug

"Hey LeBron! Lookin' good out there! Oh, by the way, did you hear Rashard Lewis..."

"Don't say it..."

"...is sleeping with your girlfriend?"

Game 5 of the NBA Finals:
Heat at Mavericks, ABC, 9pm (Series tied 2-2): As you may have noticed from the joke in the pictures above, the latest rumor spreading through Twitterland is that LeBron had a bad game because he found out his girl's been sleeping with Rashard Lewis. (And the rumor was apparently started by Stephen A. Smith. Of course it was. Anybody that can shout as loudly and easily as him is good at spreading rumors.)

That being said, some researchers think they have the real reason the Heat are getting beat: they dont hug and high-five enough, damnit.

Bawful After Dark: June 7, 2011

Nice poster, but why the hell is Shaggy from Scooby Doo on it?

Mama there goes that man! Thank God! Mark Jackson has been named head coach of the Warriors. You know, in spite of him having zero coaching experience in his career. Where else in the world can you get a top-level job with zero job experience (and in some cases be successful)? This is why we love the NBA, folks. No, not because of the guy getting a job. We love the NBA because we will now be able to watch it without hearing Mark Jackson drone on and on with his same schtick every other game! Too bad he won't start his new gig until after the Finals.

(Oh, and be sure you check out The Basketball Jones and their take on Mark Jackson's job interview.)

Now, the important question: who will replace Mark Jackson on ABC and ESPN broadcasts? If we can't get Bill Walton or Shaq, who else would be a good pick? Post your thoughts in the comments.

Worst of Game 3 in Pictures:

Pictured: the moment Jason Kidd realized he crapped his Depends

Man love, Finals-style

Oops, kneecap in your neck. (Guess it's better than a dart in your neck)

Game 4 of the NBA Finals:
Heat at Mavericks, ABC, 9pm (Heat lead series 2-1): According to the Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time since 1998 we've seen consecutive games decided by two or fewer points in the NBA Finals. Whether you like the Heat and/or the Mavericks, you have to admit this is compelling basketball. Now just think of what this series would be like if it wasn't just Dirk playing one-on-five against the entire Miami Heat team! (Wait, you mean he has teammates on the floor? Really? You'd think I would notice something like that. Hmm.)

While on a road trip with my old college roommate Corey this past week, we watched part of games 2 and 3 on crappy motel TVs with failing picture tubes. This seemed appropriate when Corey asked "Good God, Juwan Howard's still in the league???" It would have felt wrong to watch Juwan Howard shoot free throws on a nice flat-panel LCD screen. Hell, watching on a fuzzy 857 pound CRT TV set with green and purple spots burned in the corners was kind of a stretch. Juwan Howard's age should probably be best experienced watching on one of those old cabinet TV sets from the 1950s. Or maybe in the crude drawings Grock left on the cave wall during the last Ice Age. (This was before the basketball itself was invented and the game was played with weathered rocks, of course.)

Bawful After Dark: May 31, 2011

Say goodbye to the Conference Finals

First, a little business: I will be out of town on vacation the rest of this week, so I won't be writing BAD posts for Games 2 or 3. Thankfully technology will allow me to post comments or tweet so I can share my smart-ass musings if I feel like tapping something out on my phone.

In today's absurdly ridiculous NBA legal news update, JR Smith got busted for illegal scootering. I can't shake my head discouragingly enough.

And finally, I hope you appreciate these last few games. It's probably the last NBA action you'll see for over a year.

Worst of the Eastern Conference Finals Press Conference in Pictures:

"I'm going to the NBA Finals? Golly gee willickers!"

"I am the most boring man on the face of the Earth"

"I wonder how much I can get my for my MVP trophy on eBay..."

Game 1 of the 2011 NBA Finals:
Mavericks at Heat, ABC, 9pm (Series tied 0-0): Here's a cool but probably meaningless stat from the Elias Sports Bureau: "Dallas has won its last 14 regular-season games against Miami, the 2nd-longest winning streak teams to meet in the NBA Finals. The other 4 teams to enter the Finals with at least a 5-game winning streak against their opponent have gone on to win the title."

Why do I say this stat may be useless? How often do you see a team in the Finals that looks as completely transformed as this year's Heat? Right now they're hotter than Tabasco Family Reserve. But during the regular season, they were at times more dysfunctional than a sitcom family. And of course this stat is also useless because it goes deep back into previous seasons, with different players and coaches. Remember Miami's 2007-2008 team? Dwyane Wade played in only 51 games. Shaq gave them a mere 33 games. Ricky Davis was the only player to play in all 82 games for that team. (For the love of God, Smush Parker was on their roster!) Amazing how much the times change, eh? How did they turn it around so much? I need to think about this one for a few minutes -- if you need me, I'll be in the Chamber of Understanding


Okay, I figured it out: Dwyane Wade is really good at basketball. So while we talk about LeBron this and LeBron that, don't forget the other guy he's going to have going to the foul line approximately 1,847 times during this series.

Bawful After Dark: May 26, 2011

The Mavs celebrate their conference title by playing with a Van De Graff generator

Sorry to keep things brief today, some personal stuff going on. But that still couldn't stop me from Googling "electric ball that makes your hair stand up" because I couldn't remember the technical name for it! You're welcome.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

These fans are like Bob Seger -- "waiting on the Thunder..."

(No word on if they think they're going to Katmandu)

"Come on! Stop making me pull my hair out! It's thin enough as-is!"

Come on. You're not Gene Simmons. Your beard's great -- stick with what's working for you.

Isn't this backward? I thought Dallas was on top of the Western Conference?

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Bulls, TNT, 8:30pm (Heat lead series 3-1): Magic Johnson tweeted "Will be interesting to see if the @miamiHEAT will be motivated by seeing the @dallasmavs close it out last night." Because apparently the prospect of playing in the NBA Finals isn't enough motivation in and of itself. It pains me to even consider that.

Bawful After Dark: May 25, 2011

"I'M OPEN! LET ME SHOOT IT!"

"Yeah, you're open for a reason!""...I'M OPEN! LET ME SHOOT IT!"
So it sounds like Mike Brown is your new Los Angeles Lakers head coach. Mike Freaking Brown. Get ready to go from the Triangle Offense to the What The Hell Am I Doing Offense!

Here's a fantastic what is this I don't even moment from the Basketball Jones.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Caption This!

Eh, what's up, Bosh?

LeBron's new nickname: Spoonman

You know you want to rock a pair of checkered flag socks the next time you're out in public

Nationally Televised Games:
Thunder at Mavericks, ESPN, 9pm (Mavs lead series 3-1): I saw this stat from the ESPN Stats and Info crew: "Kevin Durant was 0-6 with James Harden on the bench during the fourth quarter and overtime in Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals. Durant is now 1-9 from the floor this postseason with Harden on the bench during the fourth quarter and overtime, including 0-7 from the 3-pt line." So I guess the proper move here would be to play James Harden all 48 minute? Instant success! (Stretches back in chair, kicks feet up on desk) Damn, no wonder Mike Brown can be the Lakers coach. This job is easy! Where's my $4 million per year?

Bawful After Dark: May 24, 2011

"Hmm... I wonder where I can get a sweet lunchbox to go with my backpack..."

In NBA tattoo news (that amazingly does not include Birdman Andersen), Monta Ellis got a forest tattooed on his chest. That's some serious attention to detail. You can almost expect a squirrel to come scampering out of his jersey during a game next season.

Ridiculous stat of the day: "Last 10 NBA seasons: Teams have trailed by 15+ pts in last five mins of 4,970 games (RS and playoffs). DAL became only winner last night."

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Okay, points for creativity, I guess?

I guess Durant's less impressed by your body paint than I am. Sorry dudes.

Nate Robinson auditions for a second job as the wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man outside the Valvoline store

Nationally Televised Games:
Bulls at Heat, TNT, 8:30pm (Heat lead series 2-1): Can we please stop talking about Joakim Noah's anti-gay slur and subsequent fine? His new-found complete and total inability to put a basketball through a hoop is far more interesting, considering he is, after all, a professional basketball player.

Bawful After Dark: May 23, 2011

Scott Brooks takes the "Zombie Sonics" thing to the next level

The Trail Blazers and GM of basketball operations Rich Cho have parted ways. After just one year. Cheer up, Rich! If you were a 30 minute sit-com in today's environment, you'd be a success if you lasted a year! Here's my favorite take on the situation so far: Larry Miller: Rich hired: "Rich is the perfect fit for our organization" Rich fired:"The fit between Rich and our team simply wasn’t right" I guess the "fit" they wanted was Cho concocting some magical elixir to reverse the aging process so they could bring back Bill Walton for another title run? For some actual analysis, Tom Ziller chimes in with the rumor that Cho wanted to suspend Brandon Roy.

Here's some other interesting news in the Western conference: Manu Ginobili played with a broken arm during the playoffs. It's like he wants to make you feel bad every time I miss an open jumper in a pickup game or call in sick to work because you have a cold. (Yes, I am aware that Rajon Rondo played with an arm that flopped around like a piece of overcooked spaghetti, but he can still make you feel good about your jumper, so I'm throwing him out of this analogy.)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Note to self: no more Warheads when cameras are pointed at me..."

I love everything about this picture

And who said the Bulls/Heat matchup was unwatchable?

Good thing Jason Kidd was wearing his Life Alert necklace!

Nationally Televised Games:
Mavericks at Thunder, ESPN, 9pm (Mavs lead series 2-1): I just read a stat that Kevin Durant is only 2-for-18 from behind the arc in this series. Woah. This isn't making Russell Westbrook's decision-making look great, but it's certainly taking the edge off a little.

Bawful After Dark: May 18, 2011

Rick Carlisle demonstrates that Dirk is a robot through interprative dance

Sorry to keep this one short -- I've had some unexpected changes to my schedule the past few days. You know, kind of like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has had a change of schedule. I'm sure he didn't plan on needing to bitch to the media about not getting a statue. Come on! He deserves a statue just for his glorious acting performance as That Big Dude That Got His Ass Whupped By Bruce Lee in Game of Death.

Nice shades. Deal with it

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Come on, Dirk! You're making me waste a totally awesome box score line!"

What is this I don't even...

We gotta work on that jumpshot form, Cubes. Get that elbow in line with the target!

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Bulls, 8:30pm, TNT (Bulls lead series 1-0): LeBron has a head cold. However, don't expect an historical game -- "Head Cold Game" doesn't quite roll off the tongue like "Flu Game," after all.

Bawful After Dark: May 17, 2011

Erik Spoelstra looks to Cypress Hill for his motivational techniques

We already have an intriguing playoff game to watch tonight. However, even before that game tips off, we get to see the NBA draft lottery (8:30, ESPN). Because watching ping pong balls bounce is more exciting than actually watching a Cleveland-Detroit game.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

I think D-Rose needs a clean pair of shorts

(And why is Joakim Noah scowling?)

What a deal! Every Memphis playoff ticket comes with free admission to the gun show!

"Why hello there"

"Russell Westbrook! Stop violating my players!"

Nationally Televised Games:
Thunder at Mavericks, ESPN, 9pm (Series tied 0-0): I hope you like Youth Vs. Experience discussions, because odds are you're about to be bludgeoned with a 50 pound sack of them during this series. For example, OKC's four leading scorers are all 23 or younger. Dallas hasn't played a single player that age in the entire postseason. So why are the Thunder even bothering to practice or do any coaching strategy discussions, etc.? Just wheel in a TV, turn on Matlock, and the Mavs will be so distracted it'll just be a layup line!