"I'M A MIME TRAPPED IN AN INVISIBLE BOX -- OH, DAMMIT, I FORGOT TO BE QUIET AGAIN!"
Sorry for the lack of BAD posts last week -- I felt (wait for it...) bad.
Hey, why are you throwing tomatoes at me?
To make up for the absence and the horrible pun, here's an unbelievable moment in Sports Man Love history:
Footbawful at its... finest? Yeah, finest.
Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:
"Ta da!!"
Justin Bieber was at the Hawks game where they sucked like nothing has ever sucked before. How appropriate.
Jeff Foster is enjoying this a little too much...
Ray Allen and AK47 get better acquainted
Nationally Televised Games: Wizards Generals at Knicks, NBA TV, 7:30pm: Now that scheduling has self-corrected the Knicks' record, they're in danger of dropping below .500 -- lucky for them that the Generals are also in danger of not winning a single damn road game this season.
Kings at Frail Blazers, NBA TV, 10pm: The Purple Paupers have lost their last 7 games by 7 points or less. At least they're kind enough to keep things somewhat close for their fans, right?
All the Other Games: Cavaliers at Nyets, 7pm: Speaking of teams that have no concept of how to win away from home... The last time the Cavs snagged a road victory was back in November against, yes, the New Jersey Nyets.
Pistons at Magic, 7pm: Allow me to remind of what went down back in December when these two teams last met: Pumaman, Jameer Nelson, and JJ Redick were all out with "flu-like symptoms" (that miraculously seem to actually truly be related to the flu). And yet Orlando still won easily, and in fact had their best shooting percentage game of the season. Rip Hamilton should be happy he's not being associated with this suckfest right now.
Suns at 76ers, 7pm: If there's one thing the Sixers do well, it's shut down the trey. Their opponents are averaging just 31.4% from downtown. The Small Ball Suns loooove to shoot the three. Something's gotta give. Here's a hint: the Sixers have only one win when allowing more than 100 points this year, and guess who that was against.
Grizzlies at Craptors, 7pm: Be ready to see lots of ugliness around the basket. The Grizzlies are averaging an NBA-best 49.1 points in the paint. The Dinos are too busy being extinct and rollerblading down stairs to play any defense at the rim, and are allowing a league-worst 48.1 points in the paint per game.
Also, this picture is likely the most bawful thing you will see today.
Thunder at Hornets, 8pm: The Hornets have been playing out of their friggin' minds on defense lately. Is this just more fools' gold, or have they finally figured out something?
Bucks at Bulls, 8pm: The Bulls have a nasty habit of letting sub-.500 teams hang around and even beat them. But they've still reached the 30 win mark a full month earlier than last year. I'd say Thibodeau was a nice upgrade over The Notorious VDN, wasn't he?
Rockets at Timberwolves, 8pm: Actual line from the STATS LLC game preview: "The Timberwolves (10-33), who play five of seven at Target Center, are a respectable 8-12 at home." What? A .400 record at home is respectable? Man, the bar is really getting lowered in Minny.
Spurs at Warriors, 10:30pm: The last Spurs game saw them battle through their worst offensive effort of the season. So get ready for the absolute opposite of that tonight. The Gol_en State Warriors, everyone!
Why do pictures of Pacers fans always leave me feeling depressed?
Footbawful! Only one end zone will be used at Wrigley Field for tomorrow night's Northwestern/Illinois football game. Here are the rules that will be followed to accomodate such a ridiculous effort. Big Ten Commissioner James E. Delany explained: “Both Illinois and Northwestern did significant due diligence over the past 18 months, but after seeing the actual layout of the field, all parties felt that it was appropriate to adjust the rules to further enhance the safety of our student-athletes." Well, apparently their due diligence wasn't significant enough! What did they do? Forego actually measuring stuff out and drawing up a blueprint or a CAD model? I mean, I'm sure it was cheaper to just have some guy walk onto the field and go "yeah, this looks like it'll fit," but there's got to be a better due diligence strategy than that. Some of the best Twitter reactions to this news:
espn_page2: This seems... less than ideal. bruce_arthur: First rule of Northwestern-Illinois game: Nobody throw any interceptions! Second rule: Nobody fumble! Third rule: No blocked kicks! #christ bomani_jones: so i understand: it actually took someone PUTTING THE GOALPOST ON THE BRICK WALL to see what a bad idea this was? bomani_jones: i also imagine that field, someone making a horrified face, and an engineer saying, "wait, you don't like it?" espn_page2: Maybe Northwestern-Illinois can be like old-school video games, where when a player intercepts a pass, the whole field spins around. HardyVision: Big deal, Ron Zook's played plenty of games where there only was scoring in 1 endzone...
Of course, this isn't the only epic fail seen this week in Chicago. Behold:
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
"I really missed seeing you go 0-for-8 from the field, Hedo!"
"Ball."
You already saw this picture like eighty times in the WOTN comic, but damnit, it's worth seeing again
Also, we really need to start a pool on "When will VDN be fired?"
Aww man, why did I have to go and waste my Saturday Night Fever reference on last night's post?
Demoralizing.
The rest of the Suns were taking it from behind last night, might as well do it to Josh Childress as well
Nationally Televised Friday Games: Thunder at Celtics, ESPN, 7pm: Per Lisa Salters: "Kevin Durant tells me he is 50-50 for tonite. Turned his left ankle WED v. Houston. MRI yesterday negative." And suddenly this game threatened to become 800% less interesting.
Bulls at Mavericks, ESPN, 9:30pm: The Circus Trip continues! You know you want to watch.
All The Other Friday Games: Bucks at 76ers, 7pm: This game on the other hand... you know you don't want to watch.
Grizzlies at Wizards Generals, 7pm: John Wall's ankle can't heal fast enough for the poor Generals. You never want Gilbert Arenas leading you into battle.
Rockets at Craptors, 7pm: Speaking of injuries, it sounds like Yao Ming will be out at least another two weeks. So that means it'll be three weeks until he begins his next stint on the injured list.
Bobcraps at Heat, 7:30pm: From what I gather, the Heat will need the guys at The Basketball Jones to make a smack video about Chris Bosh every gameday to motivate him. Good luck with that.
Cavaliers at Hornets, 8pm: Food for thought: the Cavaliers bench has been leading the league in bench scoring at 44 ppg. Maybe all the stuff about LeBron never having a good supporting cast was just a tiny bit overblown?
Lakers at Timberwolves, 8pm: And thus ends the miraculous two-game stretch of Darko not playing like Darko.
Spurs at Jazz, 9pm: Anyone else excited to see Tony Parker the next few games? I'm going to keep an eye out for pictures of him trying to seduce women in the stands, particularly in the wives and girlfriends section.
Nyets at Kings, 10pm: The Nyets' defense has been surprisingly good. Unfortunately, their offense is offensively horrible. They must be overjoyed to get a chance to play against the Purple Paupers to help turn things around!
Bricks at Warriors, 10:30pm: _efense! (clap clap) _efense! (clap clap) Also, this video cracks me the hell up.
* * *
Nationally Televised Saturday Games: Mavericks at Hawks, NBA TV, 8pm: Interesting stats... Dallas is not a terribly high scoring offense (23rd in the league at 97.3PPG), but they are 6th in the league in assists (22.7 APG). By the numbers, that is efficient, quality ball movement. However, I haven't actually sat down and watched a Mavs game yet this year. Can anyone confirm?
All The Other Saturday Games: Magic at Pacers, 7pm: Well, at least we have an entertaining coach to make this game interesting. (Thank you, Stan Van Gundy) Speaking of entertaining coaches, why was I unaware of this coach until after he retired? This guy is awesome:
Suns at Bobcraps, 7pm: Oh please please please tell me Nash will be healthy for this game. I don't think I could stand another embarrassing loss right now.
Heat at Grizzlies, 8pm: Do people in Tennessee really even care about the Grizzlies? (I suppose I could drive the 4 hours to Memphis to find out, but why???) College sports are huge in this general area, however, so I assume this would be of bigger news to Tennessee basketball fans: Bruce Pearl has been suspended for the first 8 SEC games of Tennessee's season. All because he had some kid over for a barbeque. (Gross oversimplifcation, but just go with it) All I can say is that better damn well have been one awesome barbeque. If they smoked some ribs and a whole pork shoulder or something, it's totally worth it.
Thunder at Bucks, 8:30pm: Good time for the Bucks to catch the Thunder. They'll be on the second night of a back-to-back (both road games) after a game against the Celtics, not to mention Durant isn't 100%. If they have anything resembling offense, now would be a good time to prove it.
Cavaliers at Spurs, 8:30pm: Cleveland is pretty awful at rebounding at the moment (28th in the NBA). Have fun, Tim Duncan, DeJuan Blair, and Antonio McDyess!
Nyets at Nuggets, 9pm: Anyone else just not that interested in seeing Melo go through the motions like a prostitute on her fourth john of the day?
Nationally Televised Sunday Games: Hornets at Kings, NBA TV, 6pm: According to Bill Simmons, "...I never realized how much Cousins would struggle to stay on the court. Through nine games: 196 minutes, 40 fouls. That's 9.8 fouls per 48 minutes, which (if it held) would be the highest number for anyone averaging 16-plus minutes since Danny Fortson's legendary 12.0 in 2005." Greg Oden might be hurt, but his foul-the-bejesus-out-of-everyone spirit lives on.
All The Other Sunday Games: Celtics at Craptors, 1pm: Rondo's going to be handing out more dimes than the people passing by the Salvation Army bucket going into the grocery store.
Wizards Generals at Pistons, 6pm: Just go Google Image Search "facepalm" and save me the trouble.
Warriors at Lakers, 9:30pm: While I am pleasantly surprised to see the Warriors are actually halfway good this year, I have to admit... it's really a bummer to go through the game pictures each day and not have guaranteed comedy from pictures of Don Nelson coaching.
After he retires from the NBA, Ben Wallace wants to be a lawyer. Ron Artest, on the other hand, wants to play in the NFL. Seriously. I mean, Artest is deeply entrenched in the Tyson Zone at this point, but this was still almost surprising. Emphasis on "almost." I still didn't even raise my eyebrow in contemplation after reading this. I just had to blink a couple times for it to sink in before moving on with my life.
Here is your must-read footbawful-related link of the day -- The Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder. (h/t Will) Block out some time to read this monster, because every single sentence is worth it.
Just for the record, I don't think I could party with Fred Smoot. Anybody who claims that a party on Lake Minnetonka featuring a boat full of prostitutes is "overrated" must really be desensitized by a constant line of women throwing themselves and their vaginas upon him. (You know, like the exact opposite of me.)
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
Walt "Clyde" Frazier attempts to hide his disdain for Mike Breem not purchasing any Just For Men
Jay Triano curtsies to celebrate a rare Craptors victory
I know that Detroit's a depressing place, but jeez
Dwight Howard has his atomic elbows, but DeShawn Stevenson has atomic headbutts. Advantage: dude with the Abe Lincoln neck tattoo
Kevin Love? More like "Kevin Manlove," amiright?
See? Michael Beasley agrees with me
Alright, I'm impressed. That's some truly acrobatic man love
Nationally Televised Games: Suns at Magic, TNT, 8pm: In news that should surprise absolutely nobody who has seen the undersized Suns' roster (Channing Frye? Hedo Turkoglu? These are the people you're slotting in the 4 and 5 slots???), Phoenix's opponents have been averaging 46.4 rebounds per game. That's worst in the league. If Dwight Howard actually had anything resembling a hypercompetitive fire, this game would be the basketball beatdown equivalent of firing up Mortal Kombat, putting it on two player mode, and practicing your spine-snapping fatality moves on the stationary opponent. However, because Dwight's constantly got that goofy ass grin on his face, the Suns still stand a chance if they start raining threes.
Nuggets at Frail Blazers, TNT, 10:30pm: Brandon Roy is out yet again. Greg Oden's knees are about five seconds away from spontaneously combusting. However, Denver's dropped four of their last six in Portland, so maybe, just maybe, there might be a little hope for the Blazers fans tonight.
All The Other Games: Clippers at Pacers, 7pm: I love reading the STATS LLC game previews for terrible contests such as this one. The writers are so (appropriately) disgusted that they start writing like one of us. Case in point, the harsh opening to the preview for this game: "While the Indiana Pacers have struggled at home this season, the Los Angeles Clippers can't seem to win no matter where they play." Yes, this is the point we have already reached less than a month into the season. The dark cloud of Clippers history combined with the pure evil of Donald Sterling and the vortex of incompetence of Vinny del Negro have formed some sort of unholy storm of failure that will destroy everything and everyone in its path. Just think of what this team will be like by the end of December!
Tayshaun's Prince's recreation of Munch's The Scream is admirable, even if the hands are a little too high
Why in the hell is LeBron nominated for Time's Person of the Year? Aside from screwing over Cleveland on national television, shouldn't he be disqualified for stealing a tablecloth right off some poor, unsuspecting table and wearing it as a shirt? That being said, the world breathed a sigh of relief -- LeBron's ego-stroking movie has been canceled.
Remember that link I posted a few days ago introducing you to the world of Bacon-Flavored Soda? Well, I have found a review. It sounds just as vile and wrong as I anticipated: "The bacon soda’s smoky and sweet flavor tastes like Jones Soda figured out a way to bottle the things that make babies cry: smoke and candy taken away from babies."
Breaking footbawful news: Donovan McNabb has agreed to a contract extension with the Redskins. A FIVE year, $78 million extension worth up to $88 million with incentives. SNYYYYYYDER!! In case you didn't remember, this is the same 34 year old McNabb who was benched in favor of Rex Grossman recently in a two-minute drill situation. I have no joke that can possibly be funnier than the reality of this situation. Just soak it in for a few minutes.
Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:
"You're a towel!"
"No, Jeff Teague, you're a towel."
"I have no idea what's going on..."
Blake Griffin does NOT want to be teabagged
"Come on, dude. You look tougher than Vinsanity. Suit up! We could use you!"
Lookin' good, MJ
I knew LeBron and D-Wade were close, but...
Nationally Televised Games: Grizzlies at Magic, NBA TV, 7pm: Is it possible the Magic will lose three straight home games? If so, will Stan Van Gundy completely lose his voice by the end of the night? That could be entertaining.
All the Other Games: Timberwolves at Bobcraps, 7pm: Why must the bad teams have to beat up on each other every single night this season? (For our amusement, obviously, but it artifically inflates their records, so it can only be amusing to a point...) The Bobcraps will probably get their first home victory of the season tonight, but honestly, who really cares? Perhaps these two teams should try to recruit this girl to fix their offensive woes:
Hornets at Mavericks, 8:30pm Trevor Ariza opining on his team winning with defense rather than offense: "We know our offense is going to come. We've got players here that can score with the basketball." Well, that's nice. It's awfully hard to score without the basketball, after all.
Nuggets at Suns, 9pm: I betcha the Nuggets sure glad the Suns got their three point barrage game out of their systems before playing them. It'd bring on flashbacks from that hellish Pacers game if they started raining those threes on the Nuggets.
Thunder at Jazz, 9pm: The Jazz are somehow going to find a way to come back from being down by 50 points at halftime before this season is over, mark my words.
Pistons at Warriors, 10:30pm: Well, so much for that hot start by Golden State. The Warriors are falling apart like an ice sculpture in a sauna, and David Lee's infected elbow isn't helping matters.
Nyets at Clippers, 10:30pm: Instead of watching the Clippers be who we thought they were, go watch this clip instead (via Deadspin). Trust me. It will be the greatest thing you do all day. (You know, unless you save a kitten from a tree or something. Then watching this would be the second greatest thing you do all day.) Who cares if it's apparently staged? It's still awesome.
