Worst of a Horrible Night: January 11, 2011

This is what it looks like when a team dies.
The Weather: After cheating all but about a thousand Charlotte area residents out of a gripping blowout of the Grizzlies, the weather robbed everybody in Atlanta of a thrilling matchup between two of the league's slowest teams (the Hawks and Bucks rank 25th and 24th in Pace, respectively). Until March 15th anyway. And did I mention Milwaukee is ranked 29th in Offensive Rating and dead last in PPG. How could you do this, weather? How could you?

The Philadelphia 76ers: Speaking of the weather, it limited the crowd of the Pacers-Sixers game in Philly to about 5,000 due to a pending snowstorm. Bummer, huh?

It was just as well, since the home team let Indy score 111 points on 51 percent shooting and end a nine-game road losing streak.

Homecourt fail.

By the way, I'm giving Andre Iguodala Worst Player of the Night dishonors for his triumphant return of one point on 0-for-7 shooting in 33 minutes.

Interestingly enough, the last time the Pacers won a road game was on November 30th against (of course) the Kings. Speaking of which...

The Sacramento Kings: Did you hear the news?! Arco Arena is going to be renamed Power Balance Pavilion. You know, after Power Balance bracelets. Basically, they're rubber bands that "improve" athletic performance, probably by reducing the weight of the athlete's wallet, leading to increased speed and vertical leap.

From their official Web site:

What is Power Balance?

Power Balance is Performance Technology designed to work with your body's natural energy field. Founded by athletes, Power Balance is a favorite among elite athletes for whom balance, strength and flexibility are important.

How Does the Hologram Work?

Power Balance is based on the idea of optimizing the body's natural energy flow, similar to concepts behind many Eastern philosophies. The hologram in Power Balance is designed to resonate with and respond to the natural energy field of the body.

Don't laugh. These claims may sound outrageous to the point of insanity, but they're real. Ever wonder how the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch have remained hidden all these years? Curious how Santa Clause delivers presents to every kid in the world in just a few hours? Have you questioned why the Dark Lord Satan hasn't dragged Kobe Bryant straight back to the pits of Hell from whence he came?

Here's the answer: They're all wearing Power Balance bracelets.

True story.

Anyway, the Kings must have been wearing Power Balance bracelets, because they went out and scored 133 points last night...

...but gave up 136 and lost to the Washington Wizards Generals.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Wow. I mean, just, wow. Okay, so the Timberwolves had sliced and diced San Antonio's 16-point lead down to only six (68-62). Then, with about eight and a half minutes left in the third quarter, Minnesota native and NBA official Ken Mauer decided he had seen enough of the comeback.

Said Mauer: "YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!" And he meant it.

Mauer tagged Darko Milicic and Corey Brewer with technical fouls for gesturing toward him on the same play. Timberwolves coach Kurt Rambis approached Mauer to discuss the techs and received two of his own (and the automatic ejection that came with them). Seconds later, Mauer T'd up Kevin Love because Love threw up his arms and yelled after Tim Duncan raped him on a rebound attempt.

That made a total of five technical fouls and one ejection in 10 seconds. Manu Ginobili drilled all five of the ensuing free throws and suddenly the T-Wolves were down 73-62. They played the Spurs even the rest of the way and lost 107-96.


Love -- who had yet another Animal-Style double-double of 20 points and 20 boards -- said: "I've never seen that before. Five in a row, that had to be a first. That was crazy."

Added Michael Beasley: "I've never seen that. Never. I've seen simultaneous Ts on different teams. But on the same team, that was a first. It's been happening all year. ... I don't like getting five Ts in 30 seconds, but you've got to see where the refs are coming from. If they feel you're out of place, they've been doing it all year."

Even Manu felt a little bad for the Timberwolves.

"I was glad it was us shooting," Ginobili said. "It was kind of awkward. It was strange."

The Phoenix Suns: This is getting uglier by the day. The Suns appeared to be catching the Nuggets at just the right time. Denver was mired in a three-game losing streak and, with Carmelo Anthony trade rumors swirling around, the ship appeared to be going down faster than the Titanic. Sure enough, Phoenix raced out to a 32-20 lead after one quarter...

...then got outscored 82-40 in the second and third quarters.

The Suns shot 36 percent while the Nuggets shot nearly 56 percent. The 44 points Denver scored in the second quarter represented a season high. Carmelo Anthony had a double-double (28 points and 10 boards) and Arron Afflalo made it fucking rain, scoring a career-high 31 points on 11-for-14 shooting. In fact, Afflalo, a shooting guard, outrebounded Suns starting Center Robin Lopez 9-1.

It was that kind of night.

From the Elias Sports Bureau (via ESPN Stats and Information):

The Nuggets trailed the Suns 32-20 at the end of the first quarter, but rallied to win, 132-98. Denver set an NBA record during the shot-clock era for largest margin of victory for a team that was behind by at least 12 points heading into the second quarter.

By the way, that 34-point margin of defeat was the largest ever suffered by Phoenix against the Nuggets. Historic fail.

Said Steve Nash: "It feels like there's a little lack of cohesion and chemistry. I don't feel like we're getting that performance and effort that we're accustomed to, and that's disappointing. It seems like when we lose the momentum, we just go downhill fast. It's like we stop believing. We're all concerned and disappointed. We've got to keep fighting; that's all we can do. You can't cry about it; you've got to keep fighting."

I'm pretty sure that's what Apollo Creed was thinking right before Ivan Drago beat him to death.

As for that "lack of cohesion and chemistry" Steve is talking about, Robert Sarver let STAT walk, then overpaid for Channing Frye and Hakim Warrick, then traded for Hedo Turkoglu, then flipped Turkododo and Jason Richardson -- who was probably their best player not named "Nash" -- for Vince Carter, whom the Magic were eager to dump because he's limping his way to the NBA Glue Factory.

There's no cohesion because shit doesn't stick.

The Cleveland Cavaliers: When the Mayans prophesized an apocalyptic, worldwide disaster in the year 2012, maybe they were right. Maybe they just overshot the mark by a year. And maybe that "apocalyptic, worldwide disaster" they predicted was actually the Cleveland Cavaliers. It makes more sense than John Cusack outrunning an earthquake, right?

Anyway, I keep thinking things can't possibly get any worse for Cleveland. I just keep thinking it. And I keep being wrong. So very, very wrong.

Heading into last night's game against the Lakers in L.A., the Cavaliers had lost 10 straight and 19 of their last 20 games. They were already an NBA-worst 8-29. On top of that, they were without starting center Anderson Varejao, who tore a tendon in his right ankle while running at practice, Joey Graham (right quad strain), Daniel Gibson (left ankle sprain), Leon Powe (right torn meniscus) and Anthony Parker (lower back strain).

And the Lakers beat them. And beat them. And beat them some more. The Cavs scoring, by quarter, went: 12, 13, 16 and 16. They finished with 57 points. And lost by 55.

Said Kobe Bryant: "You don't ever imagine something like that."

Somebody call 911 for the Cavaliers. Actually, forget it. It's too late for that. The box score reads like an autopsy report. None of Cleveland's starters scored in double figures. In fact, that unit combined to shoot 8-for-37. Some cat named Samardo Samuels came off their bench and went 1-for-12. It was just a remorseless slaughter. The Lakers pummeled them to death the way that, well, Ivan Drago pummeled Apollo Creed to death.

Sorry. I couldn't help myself.
More autopsy details from ESPN Stats and Information:

The Los Angeles Lakers made it look easy against the Cleveland Cavaliers Tuesday night at Staples Center winning 112-57. The 55-point win was the largest margin of victory in the NBA in nearly 13 years. The last time a team won by 55 or more points was on February 27, 1998 when the Indiana Pacers defeated the Portland Trail Blazers 124-59.

Cleveland's 57 points Tuesday was its fewest in franchise history. It was the fewest points the Lakers have allowed in the shot-clock era (since 1954).

The Cavs were 1-14 from 3-point range, committed 19 turnovers and scored just 25 points in the first half. Prior to Tuesday, Cleveland was 8-3 in its last 11 games against the Lakers scoring no fewer than 88 points in each game.

Here's more wood on the fire from Brian Kamenetzky of Land O' Lakers:

Since the advent of the shot clock (lest you think it recent, it's been around since the '54-'55 season), the fewest points allowed by the Lakers was 66. Tonight, they flat dusted that mark. Cleveland scored 12 points in the quarter, then 10 in the second. Coming out of the break, they EXPLODED for 16, and managed to repeat the feat in the fourth. Was it great defense? Incompetent offense? Something in the water?

I will say I witnessed quite simply the worst play I've ever seen at the NBA level, when Ryan Hollins, after blocking Kobe Bryant underneath led the Cavs up court, flanked by teammates on each side. He proceeded to more or less hand the ball to Pau Gasol, stationed about three-quarters of the way up to half court. Gasol flipped it to Kobe, who popped the ball off the backboard to Andrew Bynum for a dunk.

Effectively, Hollins turned a five-on-two break into a three-on-oh the other way as James Naismith flopped like a landed trout in his grave.

Said Cavs coach Byron Scott: "I thought that was embarrassing. I told them at halftime, 'You look scared. You look flat-out scared. You're playing against the world champions, and instead of just competing and playing hard, you look scared. You look scared to death.' That was my take on it, as simple as that. We knew it wasn't going to be easy, but to come out and not compete? There's no excuse for that. I'm embarrassed because of the way we performed. I'm a Cleveland Cavalier right now and the way we performed last night, that's embarrassing to me. I had one other team [New Jersey] come in and I thought we looked a little nervous. But that was the NBA Finals. I haven't had another team come in and look that scared."

You think that sounds bad?

Added Antawn Jamison: "It can't be any worse than this. If it is, someone will have to help me because I don't know how much of this I can take. This by far is rock bottom. It's definitely by far one of the most embarrassing moments that I've been a part of as far as basketball."

And this is from a guy who spent a combined 10-plus years playing for the Golden State Warriors and Washington Wizards Generals. Dude was on a 19-win team that started the seaon 6-30. Then he was the leading scorer on a 17-win team that lost 32 of its last 34 games...a stretch that included losing streaks of 8, 11, and 13 games.

So, yeah, Antawn knows what rock bottom is. And this is it.

Update! More angst from Antawn: "Fifty-five points? That's, like, impossible. We're professional athletes. How do you lose by 55 points? I don't care who you're playing against. I mean, if this doesn't hurt...I don't understand how we're able to have conversations in the locker room. There's nothing to talk about. We have to do some soul searching quick because no matter who we play, right now they feel like they can beat us. If we don't have a sense of pride and just play for yourself or something...this might be one of the worst teams to go through a season. The frustrating part about it is I know we're better than this. I don't know. Something has to change."

Update! Mo Williams Tweeted about what happened: "This shit is embarrassing. I feel like I can't even show my face in Cleve."

You know it's bad when you feel like you can't show your face in Cleveland.

LeBron James: He could have left it alone. He could have kept his damn mouth shut for a change. If he was going to enjoy Cleveland's abject and utter misery, he could have done it quietly behind closed doors. But remember: This is a guy who castrated his hometown in an hour-long, ego-stroking infomercial that aired on ESPN. So, if anything, when LeBron James decides to be an asshole, he opts for maximum exposure of his royal sphincter.

And so here's what he Tweeted after the Cavaliers were executed in L.A.:


We thought LeBron couldn't be a bigger asshole after this summer? Epic fail.

That's all he is, by the way. An asshole of biblical proportions. I was listening to Mike and Mike on ESPN Radio this morning, and Mike Greenberg's take was that LeBron is embracing the role of the villain. But Greenberg is wrong. Bill Laimbeer? That dude loved being a villain...and he never pretended otherwise. King Crab, on the other hand, is a villain pretending to be the wronged hero.

Which means, yeah, I respect Laimbeer more than LeBron.

What's more, he's an idiot who obviously doesn't know anything about karma beyond what he's heard in sound bites or read in a fortune cookie. Still, if 'Bron's version of "karma" really is in effect, I expect an anvil to fall out of the sky and land on his fat head any minute.

Update! I probably should have mentioned this already. But 'Melo got all Tweet-happy last night too. Here's what he was e-chirping (H/T Karc):

First they love you, then they hate you..............

Not complaining just a real statement

die a hero or live long enuff to become a villain

Far from letting it get to me. Can't a MF just vent. Damn. Lol

Now AnacondaHL has come through with even more updates:

Further on Melo's tweeting:

"You can be a delicious, ripe peach and there will still be people in the world that hate peaches.....lmao"

...followed by him changing his profile picture to literally a bunch of peaches. Wow. Next he'll be trying to tell us about how great Linkin Park speaks to him.And

Lebron's Ego with yet another fantastic followup:

"YES I'M HAPPY CAVS LOST BY 55. CAVS NEVER DID NOTHIN 4 ME ASIDE FROM PAY ME MILLIONS & BEND TO MY EVERY WHIM SO GOD WAS MEAN TO THEM LOL."

Who said psychological train wrecks aren't fun to watch?

The Portland Frail Blazers: The Brandon Roy-less Blazers had an offensive meltdown (35 percent from the field and 4-for-18 on threes) and the Knicks beat 'em in Portland. Blah, blah, blah.

Said Blazers coach Nate McMillan: "I thought we looked mentally fatigued. We were just a step slow in everything we did."

Added LeMarcus Aldridge: "We just didn't make shots. I tried to force the issue going to the basket, took some shots that probably couldn't go in, but I didn't want to just take jump shots over and over. It was tough."

Update! Antoine Walker: From Basketbawful reader Little Keith:

Just making sure everyone is aware of Antoine "toine" Walker's performance from The D-League's Showcase tonight:

7 pts (2-13 shooting, 1-6 on 3's)
3 rebs
2 asts
2 blks
4 PFs
10 TOs
-13 +/-
34+ minutes of "playing" time

Update! Allen Iverson: From Basketbawful reader roland deschain of gilead:

Allen Iverson Update!!!

He is injured on his right calf muscle and will possibly need surgery. Out for at least two months.

Meanwhile his team Besiktas is 9th in the 16-team Turkish League.

He played 7 games with 32 mins/game (40 min games). Averaging around 14.3 points, 2.7 rebounds, 4.7 assists, 1.7 steals and 3.3 turnovers with 23/52 44% 2 points - 9 / 21 42% 3 points and 27/37 73% free throws.

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Pacers-Sixers: Andres Nocioni notched a giveaway in 2:48 for a +1.

Purple Paupers-Generals: Hilton Armstrong commandeered a 3:39 stay in the ledger despite an assist, by fouling once for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Spurs-Wolves: Chris Quinn heaved two bricks with all his might for a +2 in 1:31, the same time span it took Tiago Splitter to garner a 1.5 trillion.

Worst of the Night: November 23, 2010

Dunked the hell on by Josh McRoberts.
"This has to be the low point of his (or anyone's) NBA career"
(via AK Dave)
[Note: Dan B. here reporting for early morning duty. Basketbawful himself started this post, but since his Internet connection is unavailable at the moment, I'm finishing it up for him. We are combining for a better team effort than the Cavaliers managed last night at least.]

The Cleveland Cavaliers: After beating down LeBron's new team on Monday night, the Pacers decided to do things right by pimp-slapping LeBron's old team on Tuesday. Just for good measure. Don't let the 100-89 final score fool you: Indy led by as many as 34 points in this one.

Cleveland's starters scored only 32 points. Joey Graham (11 points) was the only one who reached double figures. And even then, Graham had the best plus-minus of all Cleveland starters at -21.

Byron Scott, coach of the year candidate: "This isn't even close to rock bottom. It's a good test for us. This team and this franchise have not had to play through adversity in the last seven years. The Pacers are a pretty good team and we played that bad."

The Atlanta Hawks: They've joined the Miami Heat in the "We've gone from only beating bad teams to getting beaten by bad teams" club. That's right: The Dirty Birds lost to the Nyets. All I can say is...

...BROOK LOPEZ SMASH!!

Big Brooklies had a season-high 32 points, Devin Harris added 27, and the Hawks didn't have the firepower to match up. With the Nyets.

Said Avery Johnson: "TWO GUYS THAT WE RELY ON HEAVILY CAME THROUGH. NOW WHAT I'M SHOWING THEM IS IF THEY CAN CONSISTENTLY HAVE THAT AGGRESSION AND THAT ATTACKING ATTITUDE, IT MAKES US A BETTER BALL CLUB. THEY DON'T HAVE MANY NIGHTS WITH THIS TEAM WHERE THEY CAN TAKE OFF."

Joe Johnson: 6-for-18. The $119 million slump continues.

Game Recap, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Via Basketbawful reader Allison, "Word choice fail from Nets-Hawks recap on Yahoo: 'The erection of steel started at the Barclays Center at Atlantic Yards in Brooklyn on Tuesday.' There's *got* to be a better way to put that..."

The Philadelphia 76ers: From 15-point fourth quarter lead to an overtime loss to the Wizards Generals. Make it 3-11 on the year...1-7 on the road.

The Goat of the night? It was...

Jrue Holiday: He went running at John Wall with 3.5 seconds left in regulation, committing one of the dumbest fouls of the season. Wall was at least 40 feet from the rim...but he flipped up a shot and was awarded three freebies. Johnny Storm hit all three, forcing overtime, and, well, you know what happened.

Said Holiday: "I didn't think he was shooting the 3. I honestly thought he was going to the basket. I really wasn't trying to foul him. I just got my arm in there and he went up. It was a foul."

No. It was a FAIL.

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate: "All we had to do was just finish out the game, and we just made critical mistakes again. That's just crushing us. That's been the story of our whole first 14 games of the season. You've got to be careful because when a guy is running at you with the ball like that, you've got to know when he sees you coming that he's going to pick up and launch it."

The Chicago Bulls: Despite facing off against the league's premier frontcourt, the Bulls held their own. In fact, they shut down Pau Gasol (3-for-10), who was owned by Joakim Noah (19 points, 13 boards, 4 steals, 3 blocked shots). Chicago outrebounded L.A. and outscored them in the paint.

Unfortunately, the Lakers bench -- "the Killer Bees" as Kevin McHale is calling them -- outscored Chicago's reserves 39-10. Shannon Brown, whom I wanted the Bulls to pursue last summer, lit up his hometown team for 21 points on 7-for-14 shooting and drilled more treys (5-for-10) than the entire Bulls team (4-for-20). Brown, Steve Blake and Matt Barnes combined for four three-pointers in L.A.'s decisive 17-2 fourth quarter run.

Hands. Faces. Somebody. Please.

Bobcats-Knicks: No defense. Lots of turnovers (39 for 58 points off turnovers). Two awful teams. But hey, at least a lot of points were scored.

Pistons-Mavericks: Yes, technically the Mavs won this game 88-84. However, when the pace is that molasses-in-January-in-Siberia slow, nobody wins. Dirk Nowitzki put up some big numbers (42 points, 12 rebounds), but was apparently the only player to set his alarm clock and wake up for this game. Caron Butler was the only other Mavs starter to score double-digits, and the team as a whole only shot 38% from the field.

On the other side of the court, Detroit managed to put together a combined effort of 11 assists and 15 turnovers. Perhaps John Kuester needs to focus more on fundamentals at their next practice, such as "pass the ball to the guys wearing the same color jersey as you." Also, the tone was set early in the game, as recapped by LotharBot in the BAD comments: "Over the first 4:27 of the Pistons-Mavs game, the Pistons starters have combined to shoot 0-5, with 1 rebound and 2 turnovers, and are trailing 11-0."

Rick Carlisle, quote machine: "It was a slower-paced game, a playoff-style game." Except, you know, for the Pissed-Ons being involved.

Sasha Vujacic, nickname machine: Via Wild Yams, "This is awesome. Of course, what isn't awesome when it's making fun of Sasha Vujacic?"



The Miami Heat: Again via Wild Yams, we finally have an explanation for why the Heat are not a good basketball team. No, it's not because they don't have anything resembling a point guard, or because their paint is protected by two men with a combined age of 847.



Chris's Lacktion Report: Chris may be in New York for a few days, but at least he's smart enough to avoid going to a Bricks game. The stink of Purple Pauper basketball is already all over him. He'd never make it out alive if he tried to watch a Bobcats-Bricks game in person. However, that does leave him time to compile the lacktion details:

Hawks-Nyets: Maurice Evans tossed one brick from Newark Penn Station and fouled twice in 7:39 for a +3 suck differential, while for New Jersey, Stephen Graham missed one shot in 4:07 and added a foul for a +2.

Sixers-Generals: Alonzo Gee celebrated his new start with Washington by a 4-second defeat of King Koopa for a Super Mario!

Bobcats-Knicks: Nazr Mohammed, Michael Jordan's starting big man of choice, had a statline so stunning (and described as "epic" here) it has to be repeated near verbatim: 4:27 on the floor, FOUR bricks, two rejections, two fouls, for a PLUS EIGHT SUCK DIFFERENTIAL. Amazingly, this only ended up being a 2:0 Voskuhl - but this made him officially Lacktator #100 on the young Association season!!!!

Pistons-Mavs: Ian Mahinmi had himself a piece of masonry in 3:06 for a +1

Worst of the Night: Oh Glorious Bawful

Blitzed by a 54-point quarter?Yes.
Lit the hell up by Mike Dunleavy Jr.?Also yes.
Freaky scary Pacers fans?Very, very yes.
The Enver Nuggets: All I can say is: The 1990-91 Denver Nuggets must be proud. Or ashamed. Or...look, they're definitely feeling something, okay? They must be.

Why? Well, here's what the Indiana Pacers did to the 2010-11 Denver Nuggets last night:

144 points
64.4 percent shooting (56-for-87)
53.3 percent on threes (16-for-30)
20 fast break points
37 assists
48 points in the paint
54 third quarter points (20-for-21)

No, there isn't any feces in your eyes. Yes, you read that last part correctly. The Pacers shot 20-for-21 in the third quarter. In fact, they hit their first 20 shots. The lone miss occurred when Josh "What the f**k did you just do?!" McRoberts missed a 26-foot three-pointer with 1.9 seconds left in the quarter.

According to the AP recap, it was the highest-scoring quarter in Pacers history (no shock there), the fourth-highest total for a quarter in NBA history, and tied for the second-most ever scored in a third quarter. According to ESPN Stats and Information, the only teams to score more points in a quarter than the 2010-11 Pacers were the 1972-73 Buffalo Braves (58), the 1990-91 Phoenix Suns (57) and the 1988-89 Golden State Warriors (57). The 1969-70 Boston Celtic and 1969-70 Atlanta Hawks also scored 54 in a quarter.

And just think: The only thing between the Pacers and 20-for-20 shooting was a dumb decision by McRoberts -- who apparently didn't realize the Pacers were only seconds away from the most insanely best shooting quarter evah!

Said McRoberts: "I didn't know. I would have tried to pump-fake it a few more times, and maybe pass it to Mike [Dunleavy]. It's a good record to screw up, I guess."

Replied Dunleavy: "I didn't realize it until after the fact, or else I probably would have gone over there and stole the ball from him [McRoberts]."

Speaking of Dunleavy Jr. -- yep, he's still alive and in the league -- the dude went 5-for-5 from downtown and scored 24 of his 31 points in that third quarter romp.

Said Ty Lawson: "I don't know how many 3s he hit in a row, but it was like the old NBA Jam."

Wait, wait. Let me get this straight: Somebody made an NBA Jam reference about Mike Dunleavy Jr.?!! Things inside me just broke. Vital things. Sex organs...shriveling. Motor functions...failing. Bowels...releasing. Oh God.

Added Enver coach George Karl: "The dike broke, and the dam broke, and the flood hit us. We know that happens three or four times a year. Hopefully we can get better and respond against the Lakers on Thursday."

Here' a quick list of the hottest-shooting Pacers from last night's game:

Darren Collison (12-for-14)
Danny Granger (8-for-10)
Tyler Hansbrough (9-for-12)
Mike Dunleavy Jr. (9-for-13)
Roy Hibbert (7-for-13)

Josh McRoberts: DUMBASS.

The Miami Heat: It tells you what kind of night it was that a loss by the Heat only gets second billing in a Worst of the Night post.

Anyway, the Heat were living the dream, man. Dwyane Wade scored 39 points (12-for-23 from the field, 3-for-5 on threes, 12-for-16 from the line). LeBron James finally posted a triple-double (20 points, 14 assists, 11 rebounds). And Chris Bosh (17 points, 7-for-13, 9 boards) nearly looked like the old RuPaul of Big Men we sort of knew -- I say "sort of" because Canadian basketball doesn't really count, right Chris? Remember: Basketball doesn't exit if it's not on TV.

Miami even built a 22-point lead in the second quarter.

Then Paul Milsap made it f**king rain, pounding Miami's interior and exterior defense like the cheapest of cheap whores. Yes, I said "exterior defense" too. Milsap scored a career-high 46 points on 19-for-28 shooting. He scored 11 of those points -- including three straight three-pointers and a buzzer-beating tip-in! -- in the final 28 seconds of regulation to help the Jazz come back from an 8-point deficit and force overtime.

Let's watch the Milman in all his glory:

You know what, maybe Ty Lawson was ontosomething with that NBA Jam reference...
Said Bosh: "I'd never seen him hit a three before."

Added Milsap: "I guess when it rains, it pours."

Well, you've see it now.

I guess so.

For the record, Milsap had gone 2-for-20 from three-point range during his career before last night. Damn.

Said Wade: "The man was on fire."

As for Miami's vaunted defense, it gave up 58 points in the paint and 42 points in the fourth quarter. Oh, and Eddie House once again took the Heat's final shot. Don't forget...never forget: EDDIE HOUSE GETS THE CLUTCH SHOTS ON THIS TEAM, BITCHES. I'm just sayin'.

Speaking of just sayin', Basketbawful reader AK Dave once again provided the link to Miami's Countdown to Failure. Good times.

Bonus Bawful from Wild Yams:

Look, before we get ahead of ourselves making fun of Van Gundy's prediction that the Heat would win 73+ games this year, we should focus on something more immediate. Like his prediction that the Heat "will never lose two games in a row this year." With Boston coming to town on Thursday, that prediction looks like it could be in serious jeopardy of being proven false barely two weeks into the season.

Also of note, the Heat (5-3) are only a half a game ahead of Cleveland (4-3) right now. However, Cleveland is technically in the 4th seed while Miami is in the 5th seed, due to the Cavs leading the Central Division while Miami is just 3rd in the Southeast Division.

Not to worry though, John Hollinger's calculator still says the Heat have outplayed everyone else thus far this season.

Go LeBron!

More bonus bawful from stephanie g.:

Jazz win despite D-whistle and LaRef having a 47-21 FT advantage, without Deron Williams in OT, and while LeBron runs away from plays when it matters after notching another worthless triple double. And he watches Wade and Haslem try to win. The basketbawfulness is so, so good, so early. Better than I could have hoped. Now we just need some freeze outs, woman problems, or something going wrong at the club. Oh great Noodly One, I don't ask for much...

Paul Milsap, quote machine: "It's speechless, to be down like that to a team like this and to come out with a win."

Jerry Sloan, quote machine: Asked whether Milsap has the green light to chuck threes: "He does now."

Update! Chris Bosh: From Basketbawful reader Benway:

"...the Heat's big men faltered down the stretch after sparking Miami to a first-half lead. 'I don't think we can change what our inside presence is,' Wade said. 'Everybody has their advantages.'

I'm really confused by this statement. Didn't the Heat sign an "elite" PF this summer? Shouldn't one of the criteria of being elite be that your 2 guard doesn't have to make statements of accepted resignation such as this?

The New Jersey Nyets: Let's face it: There's no non-anticlimactic way to follow up entries about Enver's defensive demise and Paul Milsap beasting on the Heat. That said, I'll give it my best shot by using our good friends the Nyets. Not only did they lose at home to the Unamazing Cavaliers...they got the punching bag treatment from Cleveland's bench.

Seriously.

Cleveland's reserves scored 52 points on 19-for-37 shooting from the field and 8-for-10 from beyond the arc. Antawn Jamsison (6-for-10, 3-for-4) and Ramon Sessions (6-for-11) each had 15 points and Boobie Gibson (5-for-10, 4-for-5) added 14.

By comparison, New Jerseys pine riders scored 15 as a unit.

The Nyets have now lost five straight since their 2-0 start. History time! According to ESPN Stats and Information: "New Jersey has lost 18 straight November games dating back to last year. The longest streak for November futility is 20, set by the Grizzlies from 1995 to 1996."

The time and place may change, but the Nyets will not stop failing us.

Mo Williams: Dear Mo: Larry and Curly are disappointed in you. Williams missed his first nine shots and finished with two points on 1-of-12 shooting. Remember folks, he's a former All-Star.

The Los Angeles Clippers: This night just wouldn't have felt complete without a 19-point beatdown of the Clippers. Fortunately, just such a beating was administered by the New Orleans Hornets. And since no Clippers loss itself is truly complete without some extra level of humiliation, I should point out that Jerryd Bayless -- who entered the game averaging 2.2 PPG on 29 percent shooting -- busted out of his slump with 15 points (5-for-10) and 9 assists.

Said Bayless: "It was just, like, finally."

Fellow reserve Willie Green scored 19 points himself. In fact, Bayless and Green combined to score the Hornets' first 19 points of the fourth quarter to help pump the lead up to 89-69.

That's right. New Orleans blew the doors off while Chris Paul was on the bench. Of course, The Other L.A. Team did itself in by giving up 35 points off 25 turnovers.

Said Clips coach Vinny Del Negro: "You can't expect to win at home or on the road when you have that many turnovers, so we've got to do a much better job of valuing the possession of the ball."

Good luck getting guys like Baron Davis to value anything not called "quadruple cheeseburger and fries," Vinny.

But you know, there might be hope. From Basketbawful reader Silvio:

Good news for " ... who we thought ... " is they host Pissed-Ons at Friday and Nyets at Monday. Griffin versus Daye (and non-existent Pissed-Ons inside defense), then versus Troy Murphy (and almost non-existent Nyets inside defense), he'll score something like 80 or 90 over those two games. That might be good enough for 2 wins and 3-8 record = 27% wins at that moment. It might be season best for " ... they were" during season, both in win percentage column and longest winning streak.

The New York Knicks: Speaking of beatdowns, how about New York's 27-point loss to the Bucks in Milwaukee? I'm not sure which was worse: the Bricks giving up 42 points in the first quarter or scoring only 13 in the fourth.

You know what? We'll call it a tie.

Statistical note: The Bucks entered the game averaging a league-worst 89.6 PPG on a next-to-last-place 39.9 percent shooting. Against the Bricks, Milwaukee scored 107 points on 51.3 percent shooting. Brandon Jennings -- who was shooting 39 percent -- scored 19 points on 8-for-13 from the field.

Updated! Amar''''''e Stoudemire: This was STAT's first time going up against Andrew Bogut since he gave the Humpty Dumpty treatment to Bogut's arm. Naturally, he pulled down only 4 rebounds as his team got beaten on the boards 45-34.

Of course, Stoudemire ended up jostling with Bogut (for which he received a technical foul) and talking smack with Bucks coach Scott Skiles (who said STAT was talking to the Bucks bench and that he, Skiles, "was addressing him back.").

Amar''''''e also said Bogut hit him. Intentionally. Was it payback? Said Stoudemire: "Possibly. I don't know what he's thinking."

Here's an add-on from Basketbawful reader Alex: "Can we add to Amar''''''e's bawfulness by watching the NBA TV Top 10 Plays? Drew Gooden threw the ball of the backboard to himself while Stat was guarding him. Definitely worth the $100 Million, because when I think about a PF who can't play with his back to the basket, can't play defense, doesn't rebound well, I think $100 Million."

And now, the video:


The Detroit Pistons: Let's go ahead and add the Pistons to the list of teams getting their asses handed to them tonight. The lowlights of Detroit's 100-78 loss to the Frail Blazers include:

Giving up 27 fast break points
Getting outscored 4-26 in the paint
Surrendering 23 points off 19 turnovers
Being outrebounded 45-33
Shooting only 55.6 percent from the line
Trailing by as many as 25 points
Falling to 0-4 on the road whle starting a four-game road trip
Being the Pistons

Said Ben Gordon: "Kill me. For the love of God, kill me."

The Los Angeles Lakers: They robbed us of what may have been the purest, most perfect night of bawful ever by failing to lose to the Timberwolves. Barely. In fact, the night would have been perfectly bawful if:

1. The Lakers had lost at home to the Timberwolves.

2. Mario West returned and submitted a true Mario.

3. KG mysteriously showed up in Indianapolis to tell George Karl he looks like a cancer patient.

Alas. We will have to make due with nearly perfect bawful.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Check out the opening from the AP recap:

Ron Artest, the former math major at St. John's, could only chuckle at the unfairness of this equation.

The Lakers' worst performance of the season plus the Minnesota Timberwolves' best effort of the year still equaled another win in Los Angeles' historic start to the season.

So, wait, Ron-Ron was a math major? No wonder I hate math. But seriously, I'm not sure how this fact escaped me all these years. Oh, the missed jokes. Well, I know now, and that's what counts.

Also, it's funny that "the Minnesota Timberwolves' best effort of the year" involved 38 percent shooting and 27 turnovers for 23 points going the other way. That's the glory of setting the bar really low. Then almost anything you do can be considered a "best effort" or whatever.

Said Kurt Rambis: "I just told them in the locker room that the hard part is replicating what we did here tonight." What, you mean losing, Kurt? Oh, don't worry. I think you'll be able to replicate that another 50-60 times this season.

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Nuggets-Pacers: Indiana's Dahntay Jones collected 1.8 trillion worth of jewels (1:49)!

Cavs-Nets: Ryan Hollins actually providing celebration for Clevelanders by negating a pair of made free throws and a board in 7:28 with 5 fouls and a rejection, earning a 5:3 Voskuhl.

Clippers-Hornets: DJ Mbenga made more than millions tonight by joining George Shinn at the banquet table with a 5.55 (5:34) trillion!

Pistons-Frail Blazers: Greg Monroe marked himself onto the ledger for Detroit by countering a made field goal and two boards in exactly 24 minutes with three fouls and giveaways each for a 6:4 Voskuhl, while Jason Maxiell bricked once in 2:15 for a +1 suck differential.

For Portland's infirmary, Luke Babbitt and Sean Marks each fouled once in 2:15 for a +1 (with Marks gaining a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl as well).

Wolves-Lakers: Nikola Pekovic lost the rock once in 1:26 and added a heaved piece of masonry in that span for a +2 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.