Worst of St. Patrick's Day: March 17, 2011

"Hmm, let's see, where could I hide 12 bodies...?"
The New Jersey Nyets: Despite the whole "22 games below .500" thing, the Nyets entered last night's home game against the Bulls as one of the league's hottest. No, really. Their five consecutive victories had them tied with the Oklahoma City for the second-longest active winning streak in the NBA. Okay, sure, their first four victories were against the Craptors (twice), Warriors and Clippers, but their last win had been against the Boston Celtics.

The Nyets!

Then they ran into reality a buzzsaw. The Bulls, after all, had the league's longest active winning streak at seven. They left New Jersey with a winning streak of eight straight games, mostly because they held the Nyets to 34.9 percent shooting and a season-low 73 points. (New Jersey's previous low had been 75 points against the Celtics back on December 5.) The Nyets got only 14 layup attempts and missed nine of them. The Bulls ripped down 17 offensive rebounds and outscored New Jersey 46-22 in the paint.

Said Kris Humprhies: "We just couldn't score points tonight. You look at the stat sheet and we shot in the 30s. We held them to a good amount of points and we just needed to turn it up offensively, but we weren't able to do that."

Added Deron Williams: "We could have played a lot better and shot a lot better, 35 percent from the field is tough to win."

Speaking of Deron...

Deron Williams, worst player of the night: D-Will dished out a game-high 11 assists and, down the stretch, he kept the Nyets within striking distance with his dribble penetration and passing. That said, Williams shot a truly bawful 1-for-12 -- including 0-for-3 from downtown -- and got abused on defense by the previously defenseless Derrick Rose. Derrick swatted two of Deron's shots and, with 3:17 left in the game and the Nyets down only two points, Rose stole a long pass from Williams and went the other way for a fast break layup. Gamebreaker.

In the final tally, the Nyets were outscored by 12 points with Williams on the floor...and they lost by 11.

Get that weak stuff out of here, D-Will!
Kris Humphries' defensive rotation: Dude actually had 16 boards and 5 blocked shots...but his rotation on this dunk was so bad D-Rose almost killed himself slamming the ball home.


The Memphis Grizzlies: This humiliating defeat for the Grizzlies -- a team that's fighting to hold onto the final playoff spot out West by the way -- is best summed up by the following data provided by ESPN Stats and Information:

The New York Knicks set a franchise record with 20 three-pointers in their 120-99 win vs the Memphis Grizzlies. Prior to Thursday, the franchise record for threes in a game had been the 19 the Knicks sank against the Grizzlies on November 12, 2008.

Toney Douglas did a great deal of New York's damage from behind the arc, tying a team record with a career-high nine threes. The only other players to make nine three-pointers in a game this season are J.R. Smith (March 12) and Dorell Wright (November 27).

The best part is that New York's previous franchise high was set against Memphis back in 2008. In that 2008 game, five of those treys were drilled by lil' Nate Robinson and even Zach Randolph hit one for the Knicks, 'cause, you know, he was playing for them back then.

For some reason, it's comforting to know the Grizzlies have a rich history of not putting hands in the faces of the Knicks. Memo to Memphis: It takes more than a Care Bear Stare to make your opponents miss shots.

Speaking of which, how 'bout Tony Douglas? He went 1-of-12 in Sunday's home loss to the Pacers. Last night, he shot 10-for-14 from the field...and 9-for-12 from beyond the arc.

Said Douglas: "Once I started hitting, I felt like there was no defense out there."

That's because there wasn't any defense out there, Toney.

Added Randolph: "They shoot the ball very well against us. It was one of them games, a disappointing game. We came out and played and didn't stick to our game plan [and] didn't stick to the identity of our team the way we play and they blew us out."

Let's see: 120-99? Yep. That qualifies as a blowout, Zach.

Lionel Hollins, coach of the year candidate: "They beat us with 3s last game. They beat us tonight with 3s. I just told our team that if they shoot 3s like that every night, they'd be tough to beat. Obviously they don't because they got smashed by Indiana and beat by Indiana because they didn't make 3s. But you win, you live by the jumper, you die by the jumper. We struggled to guard them on the 3-point line and we struggled to score consistently."

Mike D'Antoni, coach of the year candidate: "Hang in there, we're hanging in there, we're pedaling as fast as we can pedal. The biggest thing, and I'll just keep repeating, is that we're not going to get caught up in the hysteria and we're going to be who we are, we're going to play as well as we can and get it together and hang in as a group and try to make the playoffs and then try to do as good as we can."

The Cleveland Cadavers: On Wednesday night, after Cleveland's come-from-behind victory over the Kings, coach Byron Scott praised his team's effort and toughness. Okay, not really. Here's what he said: "It's amazing what competing will do. I've been very critical the last few games. I told them there are three or four things you need to do every night. We did that tonight. We competed the whole game."

Well, last night, the Cadaver's competed for roughly zero minutes. Uh oh.

And Cleveland's 111-70 loss to the Frail Blazers, Scott held a private 30-minute meeting with his team and then came out and blasted them to the press.

Said Scott: "Our team is so soft mentally it's unbelievable."

Think all the losing is getting to Byron?

More Scott:

"We forgot that we have to come in here and play a team that's much better. Guys didn't have any focus on what we were doing, and it trickled down from one guy to the last guy. We got exactly what we deserved."

And:

"Good old-fashioned butt-whipping. I don't think our guys understood that the team we beat (Wednesday) night has 16 wins and the team we played tonight is playing for something. They came out and played like it."

And:

"We were on our heels the whole night. No resistance defensively. Even the first three or four minutes of the game, we didn't follow our defensive gameplan. Guys didn't have any focus on what we were doing. It trickled down from one guy to the last guy and we got exactly what we deserved."

While Scott sounded straight up homicidal, Baron Davis sounded like he was about ready to be put on suicide watch. And this is a guy who spent the last couple seasons playing for the Clippers.

Said B-Dizzle: "I'm at a loss for words right now. Kind of numb, just numb. It's tough. For the first time in my life I can't draw from anything. I can't find anything. ... They saw blood and they never stopped. It's like we weren't there. By the time we figured out we were there, we were down 30 points."

It was just that kind of night.

The Cadavers fell behind 24-2 out of the gate, trailed by as many as 44 points in the third quarter, and lost by 41. They shot 35.6 percent while allowing the Blazers to convert 54.2 percent of their field goals. Cleveland was outrebounded 45-29 (including 15-7 on the offensive glass) and out-assisted by an absurd 29-6. Oh, and they gave up 28 points off 19 turnovers. But, hey, the Cads had a 30-13 advantage in free throw attempts on the road! Bright side!

Okay, maybe not.

Some noteably bad performances: In 27 minutes, starter Alonzo Gee scored 2 points on 0-for-5 shooting. In 21 minutes, starting shooting guard Anthony Parker -- who was targeted by the Bulls and Celtics and whom the Cadavers didn't want to give up at the trade deadline -- finished with 4 points, 2 turnovers, and 0 assists. Starting power forward Samardo Samuels went 1-for-8 from the field. B-Diddy came off the bench to contribute 3 turnovers and 0 assists while shooting 1-for-4 in his 15-minute stint. Joey Graham earned a DNP-CD in a 41-point blowout. Which is either mercy or cruelty, I'm not sure which.

John Krolik of Cavs the Blog published a post titled Recap: Blazers 111, Cavs 70 (Or, Baron’s back and OH GOD THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD) that, in total, said:

Everything about this game was miserable.

The Cavs had 6 assists and 18 turnovers.

105 of Portland's points came from the paint, the free-throw line, or the three-point line.

Offense miserable, defense miserable, everything miserable. I hope you had a good St. Patrick’s day, everyone. I have nothing tonight.

That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

Chris's Mini Lacktion Ledger:

Bulls-Nyets: Sundiata Gaines gave Newark a show of null-ness, bricking FOUR times in 10:38 (twice from the Mulberry Arcade) and adding a foul and rejection for a +6!!! Fellow ruble rouser Brandan Wright countered a board with a 49-second session of Koopa shell kicking for a non-lacktive Mario.

Grizzlies-Knicks: Ishmael Smith bricked once from 34th Street and lost the rock for a +2 in 2:18, while New York's Ronny Turiaf tore out two boards and a free throw in 13:24 with a trio of fouls and two turnovers for a 5:3 Voskuhl.

Sad Cadavers-Frail Blazers: Jarron Collins built up one piece of masonry for the Portland-based infirmary in 3:43.

Worst of the Night: December 16, 2010

Welcome to Nene's poster, Timmy. Sad Duncan Face.
The Generals-Nyets game: In THIS COR-NAH, coming in with AN 0-12 ROAD RECORD: The WASHINGTON...GEN-UH-RALS! And in the OTHER COR-NAH, weighing in with AN EIGHT-GAME LOSING STREAK: The hometown NEW...JERSEY...NYETS!

Okay, okay. It wasn't exactly a heavyweight slugfest. It was more like two eight-year-old girls slap-fighting over a Bratz doll. Actually, no. That would be far more entertaining than what went on in the Prudential Center last night.

New Jersey's basketball incompetence (40 percent shooting -- including 2-for-8 from downtown -- plus 21 turnovers) was narrowly outmatched Washington's spectacular suckitude (39 percent shooting with 21 turnovers).

In the end, this monstrosity was decided at the charity stripe, where the home team had a 47-28 advantage in free throw attempts. And it's a good thing, too, considering they bricked 12 of 'em.

Of course, the Generals were minus John Wall and Andray Blatche. And Devin Harris showed off his mad leadership skillz by calling a team meeting to let his fellow Nyet know that, if they lost this game, they might not win a game this month.

Said Devin Harris: "This was one we had to have. If I'm going to be the guy here, then it's all about being aggressive and making things happen. ... It's not the way we wanted to win. We had to scratch and claw for everything. We have to be able to get it any way we can. This is the way we have to play."

Again: 40 percent shooting and 21 turnovers. And this is the way you guys have to play, Devin?No wonder your team is now 52-129 -- almost a full NBA season below .500 -- since you said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" back in December of 2008.

Screamed Nyets coach Avery Johnson: "HE HAD A LITTLE TEAM MEETING WITH THE GUYS AND THE GUYS RESPONDED. DEVIN TOOK CHARGE ON BOTH ENDS OF THE FLOOR FOR US. WE NEED DEVIN TO PLAY LIKE THIS. WE NEED DEVIN TO TAKE SHOTS."

Let's see now. Devin finished 7-for-25 from the field, 1-for-5 from downtown and 14-for-17 from the line. Oh, don't worry, Avery. He'll take shots. He'll definitely take shots.

The Atlanta Hawks: As I like to say, NBA teams don't get many breaks, but the Dirty Birds got a poopload of them last night. The Celtics had an entire lineup of dudes sitting this one out -- Rajon Rondo (sprained ankle), Shaq (sore right calf), Jermaine O'Neal (sore left knee), Delonte West (right wrist surgery) -- plus Von Wafer left the game after only two minutes of PT due to a sore back.

Not only that, the Celtics were coming off a last-second win against the Knicks in New York the night before. Injured, using a lineup filled with old guys, and starting Turkish Semih Erden who finished with zero rebounds in 24 minutes. Doc Rivers had to dust off Avery Bradley and Luke Harangody for some first half action. Luke Harangody.

Uhm, that's now how you do it, Luke.
Hell, the Hawks even had a 24-11 advantage in free throw attempts. In Boston.

No matter. The Celts ran away with it in the fourth and won 102-90. It was their 12th straight win. And looking at their next two games -- at home against the Pacers and Sixers -- that streak could make it to 14. And by the way, if you're wondering why Doc Rivers is resting Shaq, look no further than Boston's Christmas day matchup with the Magic in Orlando. I have a feeling The Big Gimpy will play in that one.

Celtics fans: Celebrate!


Atlanta -- who, in all fairness, had to play without Joe Johnson and Jamal Crawford -- couldn't hold onto the ball (18 turnovers) or stop the Celtics from scoring. Boston shot 53 percent as a team. Kevin Garnett continued to proove he ain't dead yet by finishing with 17 points (8-for-10) and 14 rebounds. Not bad on the second night of back-to-backs. Paul Pierce dished out 10 assists in his temporary role as point forward. Ray Allen went 7-for-13 for his 18 points. Big Baby had a double-double (18 points and 10 boards). Even little Nate Robinson chipped in with 14 points. On 15 shots. But still.

Said Josh Smith: "I'm not making excuses, but we still had two of our main scorers out also."

Smith -- who kinda-sorta becomes option numero uno with Johnson and Crawford out -- finished with one point on 0-for-8 shooting. Those numbers are a bit off his season averages of 16 points on 48 percent shooting. Speaking of which...

Josh Smith, worst player of the night: See above.

Kevin Garnett, quote machine: "What are you going to do? Quit? Put your clothes on and go home? That's not what we do here."

The Denver Nuggets: Talk about a rough ending for Denver.


I have a feeling the Nuggets were seeing Manu Ginobili in their dreams last night. And in those dreams, he'll still be moving.

Said Carmelo Anthony: "No, obviously what I think and what they called are two different things. I thought I made a great play. I took advantage of how Richard (Jefferson) was guarding, attacked. I don't think I could've got a better look at it than that. It's tough, you know, just going out there playing as hard as we played out there and to lose the game on something like that.”

More angst from the AP recap:

Nuggets coach George Karl was crestfallen over the call.

"It's a play that I think goes either way a lot," Karl said. "It seemed like the referees, they like to hit us with tough calls. It was a tough call. Good play. Good basketball. Melo made a great play. It's close. I've seen it called both ways."

But at the buzzer?

Told that TV analyst Scott Hastings said he hadn't seen that in his nearly three decades watching NBA basketball, Karl said, "I'd probably agree with Scott."

Karl wasn't done there, though. From NBA FanHouse:

"Refereeing is hard to understand sometimes," said Karl, who at least said his injury-riddled team could get big man Kenyon Martin back next week from offseason knee surgery and should have big man Chris Andersen return from a back injury. "There are so many things that, it's just strange. Some of the things, it's just strange sometimes. Nene I think is the probably No. 1 guy in this league (that doesn't get respect from the officials, in Karl's view). He got three touch fouls at the beginning of the third quarter. He had three fouls called on him. One that took away a dunk."

The three fouls all were called between the 10:19 and the 9:56 mark of the third quarter.

"If we show them on film, they don't exist," Karl said. "We have films that we send into the league office that (fouls) don't exist. And here's a guy that's close to an All-Star, and he just doesn't get a lot of respect. I think it affects you. We tell them to fight through it, forget it, refereeing will come back and all that stuff. It just sometimes seems that we don't get the whistles sometimes I think we earn by how hard we're playing and how well we're playing."

Look, I understand Karl's frustration. First, NBA superstars usually get the benefit of close calls. Second, officials typically "let the players decide things" at the end of games. So the outcome flies in the face of conventional wisdom.

Haywoode Workman was the official who made the call. Woody is a former NBA player -- a former Pacer thank you very much -- and he was a tough customer back in the day. And as much as I hate to say it, as much as I have (historically speaking) hated Ginobili's flopping ways, I think Workman got it right. Yeah, Manu was still moving a teeny, tiny bit, but he was about as set as most guys are when they take a charge. It was certainly a close call. But probably the right one.

Kenny And Charles: Basketbawful reader JR e-mailed me the following passionate rant:

After Spurs-Nuggets last night, Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley went completely off the reservation. Manu Ginobili's latest heroics prompted Barkley to question whether Manu is "the best foreign player ever." Kenny then argued that either Dirk Nowitzki or the late Drazen Petrovic should be ranked above Manu.

Before the two really got started, it took Ernie Johnson to bring up the name Hakeem Olajuwon. And Charles and Kenny completely ignored it and went on debating whether Drazen Petrovic was better than Manu. Two former teammates of the Dream. Kenny Smith has two freaking championship rings BECAUSE OF OLAJUWON and they don't even acknowledge him in their little debate. Ernie might as well have nominated Frederic Weis.

As Charles Barkley himself would have said, Hakeem must be rolling over in his grave.

Brandon Roy: ESPN's Chris Broussard provided the full scoop on Roy's feelings about his too-slow backcourt mate Andre Miller:

It's no secret that playing alongside Andre Miller frustrates Brandon Roy. Miller keeps Roy from handling the ball as much as he wants and doesn’t spread the floor enough for Roy’s liking.

After Monday's loss to Memphis, Roy all but blamed his struggles this season on Miller, saying "I wasn't that slow until you put a guy who is kind of slow next to me. I've always been kind of slow. Not to be controversial at all, but I was slow my rookie year, and now it's ..."

Roy, who's lacked the explosiveness we've seen from him in the past, apologized for his comments two days later, but his frustration remains -- and Wednesday's four-point performance in another L at Dallas certainly didn’t improve his mindset.

But is Roy frustrated enough to leave Portland?

Depends on who you ask.

One plugged-in person with knowledge of Portland's inner workings told me Roy spoke with Blazers management less than two weeks ago about the need for Miller and him to part ways. While Roy did not issue a trade demand or request, I’m told he said something to this effect:

This is not going to work, so you should trade one of us. Whether it's him or whether it's me, somebody needs to be traded because this is not going to work.

And Chris Broussard also points out that Roy is in the first-year of a five-year, $82.3 million contract extension...and sources say his knees are not insured.

Shit.

Now, Portland general manager Rich Cho and Roy's agent Bob Myers both denied that Roy demanded some kind of move. But they were going to do that no matter what. Regardless, the Frail Blazers are stuck in an ugly situation. Greg Oden has played a total of 82 games since he was drafted back in 2007. They're stuck with Roy's bum knees and increasingly surly attitude.

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Generals-Nyets: Alonzo Gee gathered one foul in 4:49 for a +1 suck differential, while fellow Washingtonian Hamady N'Diaye countered a free throw in 2:49 with two fouls and a giveaway for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Hawks-Celtics: Jason Collins earned a board and steal in 14:50 as Atlanta's starting center, but fouled twice for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Meanwhile, Von Wafer has become a regular parade piece for a post-game party, fouling once in 2:06 for a +1.

Spurs-Nuggets: Ime Udoka collected fire flowers and gold coins in just 6 seconds to give Gregg Popovich a link to the 8-bit world with a Super Mario!

Worst of the Night: December 9, 2010

Dwight needed a hug after the way his team quit on him last night.
The Philadelphia 76ers: Good teams find a way to win, right? Well, here at Basketbawful, we prefer to say that bad teams find a way to lose.

Enter the world of the Philadelphia 76ers.

Yeah, yeah, I know. They'd won four of their last five games. Excuse me for not being all that impressed by victories over the Nyets, Frail Blazers (during their six-game losing streak), Bobcraps and Cavaliers.

Facing a Celtics team that was playing on the road on the second night of back-to-back games without their first, second and third-string centers, the Sixers gave it everything they had. As long as you don't consider "putting a hand in a face" a part of "everything." Boston lit Philly up: 56 percent from the field and 58 percent from beyond the arc. I mean, it really did look like the C's got pretty much whatever shots they wanted.

Semih Erden -- the starting center by default -- was 2-for-2.

Still, the Sixers were persistent and the Celtics just couldn't shake them. There were 14 lead changes in the fourth quarter. It pissed me off. I'm guessing that was how Lakers fans felt on Wednesday night when it took a last second shot to pull out a win against the Clippers.

The Celtics followed the same script. Or maybe they were emulating the Milwaukee Bucks from their win against the Pacers. Eh, whatever. What happened was this. Andre Iguodala hit a running hook shot with 6.6 seconds left to give Philly a 101-100 lead. Boston responded...like this:


I know it wasn't easy. I know that. But damn if Philly's defense didn't make it look easy. Nobody ever even touched Kevin Garnett on that play.

The Sixers had 1.4 seconds left to counter, but KG stole the inbounds pass. Well, okay, it was thrown right to him. Game over.

Said Garnett: "Rajon threw a perfect pass and I just banked it. The crazy part about all that is that I messed that play up so many times in practice. It's only right that the basketball gods gave it to me tonight."

The sound you just heard was the basketball gods going "whaaaaaa...?"

Added Doc Rivers: "We worked on that last week. We tried to run it early and had bad timing. It's just funny how things work out. It's a low-clock play. The ball's in the best passer's hands, and you have shooters on the floor. The whole sell was Paul Pierce and it worked."

Said Doug Collins: "What a heartbreaking loss. To play so hard and so well. That Celtics team is so good, so well-coached, and they have so many different ways that they can attack you on the offensive end. It was just a shame. It would have been an incredible win for us here. We had a great crowd tonight, and we had some good plays. I just feel so badly for our guys."

Doug Collins, pre-game quote machine: Maybe this was why the Sixers kept things so close: "I'm hoping our guys are going to take this as a great chance to see how exciting it is to be on TNT, and obviously I'm selling TNT here a little bit."

Reggie Miller, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Bryan: "Quality announcing by Reggie Miller after Ray Allens 3-pointer with a minute to go: 'You dont leave him wide open on a wide open 3-pointer.'"

The New Jersey Nyets: Nyets-Mavericks was more human interest story than basketball game. Avery Johnson made his emotional return to Dallas. There were hugs and handshakes and, for all I know, pre-game handjobs all around. But all the lovey-dovey feelings didn't make the Nyets not the Nyets, you know?

New Jersey -- minus rookie Derrick Favors (bruised thigh) and forced to play the final three quarters without Devin Harris (sprained shoulder) -- fell behind by as many as 18 points in the second quarter and by as many as 21 early in the second half. Then the Nyets got aggressive and went to the line 18 times in the third quarter. Yeah, you read that correctly. It was like a case of road cookin'.

I guess the officials felt sorry for Avery. He is coaching New Jersey after all.

Anyway, the Nyets got the deficit down to single digits (81-73) early in the fourth quarter, but I think we all knew how this was going to end, right? When your opponents shoots 55 percent to your 41 percent, and you're the New Jersey Nyets, the outcome is practically preordained.

Screamed Johnson: "IT WAS PRETTY EMOTIONAL. A LOT OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE HERE TONIGHT...BUT IT WAS GOOD SEEING SOME OF THE GUYS."

The Nyets are now 6-17. They've lost six in a row and 11 straight on the road. And their next game is against the Lakers. Sorry, guys.

As for the Mavs, they're now 18-4 and have an interesting five-game stretch coming up: Utah, Milwuakee, Portland, Phoenix and then at Miami.

The Orlando Magic: The Magic and Pumaman versus the Frail Blazers and the Ghost of Greg Oden. Now guess which team outrebounded the other 47-40 (including 13-6 on the offensive glass) and had a 50-34 scoring edge in the paint?

The Frail Blazers of course.

Mount Saint Howard erupted all over the Frail Blazers last night: 13-for-20 from the field, 13-for-18 from the line, 39 points, 15 rebounds, 3 blocked shots and a steal. To bad his teammates didn't make the trip to Portland with him. Jameer Nelson, Rashard Lewis and Vince Carter combined to go 10-for-36 from the field and 3-for-13 from downtown. Quentin Richardson played 18 scoreless minutes. Brandon Bass scored zero points in 13 minutes. Chris Duhon -- Orlando's key offseason acquisition -- finished with 2 points and 2 assists in 16 minutes.

Etc.

According to the AP recap: "Magic coach Stan Van Gundy sequestered his team behind closed doors well after the game."

Ooo, I bet that was fun.

Said Van Gundy: "We have to play the game better, and we have to play it with a lot more energy, alertness and cohesiveness."

Countered Howard: "You can't coach energy. You can't coach hard work. It comes from a player. If you don't want to play hard, you've got to sit down and let somebody else step up."

I'm not sure whether he said that while looking directly at Vince and Rashard, but he probably should have.

The Magic have now lost three in a row after winning six straight. They still have a decent record...but they just don't look very good. Carter and Lewis

Ron Artest, charitable quote machine: On his plan to donate "either all or some" of his 2010-11 salary to charities to benefit mental health awareness: "It's fun, it's exciting. It's almost like a basketball game because it's that exciting. It feels like dunking on somebody, and I don't dunk much. It's just exciting and it's weird. It's a weird excitement. It's not like fun and games because it's a real issue, but for me, it's exciting to be a part of. It's going to make an impact. It will snowball. It will have a domino effect later. It will have a domino effect real, real soon once people see exactly what's going on."

I hope those snowballs domino for you, Ron. I really do.

Bonus stats: Two Lakers are in the Top 10 in Win Shares: Pau Gasol and...Lamar Odom. Two Heat players are also in the Top 10: LeBron James and...Chris Bosh.

Newsflash: The Knicks are winning by scoring. Now here's the bad news I've been talking about: The Knicks have had the second-easiest schedule so far this season. They have the second-toughest schedule the rest of the way.

Chris's TNT Thursday Lacktion Report:

Magic-Frail Blazers: Marcin Gortat had exactly 5 minutes to drop a rebound and assist...only to raise Stan Van Gundy's blood pressure some with a brick, two turnovers, and a foul for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

For Portland, Patrick Mills churned out a pair of bricks from Pioneer Courthouse Square and lost the rock once there for a +3 suck differential in 5:10, while Sean Marks made 2.4 trillion (2:24) worth of celebratory moolah!

Bawful After Dark: December 9, 2010

Hey Kuester, shouldn't you be coaching instead of eating an invisible sandwich during timeouts?
Suckramento assistant coach Mario Elie has been arrested for carrying on the tradition of getting arrested for drunken driving. George Maloof Jr, Antoine Wright, Andres Nocioni, and Eric Musselman must be proud. (h/t Chris)

Via Deadspin, here is a video of Antoine Walker airballing a free throw in his NBA D-League debut last night.


Good ol' Antoine. It's like he never left our lives...

Worst of the Night in Pictures:
"You're weirdin' me out, Durant"

Speaking of awkward...

Keith Smart must have watched his Warriors play

Blake Griffin may be awesome, but this picture still summarizes the Clippers organization

Holy crap, this is almost as bad as yesterday's Yao/Knee-Mac man hug

Nationally Televised Games:
Celtics at 76ers, TNT, 8pm: The Sixers have won five in a row at home, but that's a bit of fool's gold. The closest thing to real competition they've seen in that stretch is a low-scoring grind against the Frail Blazers. They're like a poor man's version of the Knicks, and that is just truly sad because the Knicks are already the poor man's version of a mediocre to decent basketball team.

Also, three words (or one big hyphenated word): Shaq-A-Claus.

Magic at Frail Blazers, TNT, 10:30pm: Stat of the day: Vinsanity put up an amazing 2-for-21 shooting performance against the Blazers last season. I dread the day Vinsanity retires -- this blog will be deprived of so much content.

All The Other Games:
Nyets at Mavericks, 8:30pm: You know, the Nyets aren't as soul-crushingly horrible as last year. They are still, however, at least soul-bruisingly horrible.

Worst of the Night: December 7, 2010

George Karl doesn't care about missing out onhis 1,000th career coaching victory. Really.
The New Jersey Nyets: Apparently, all the Atlanta Hawks needed was for their 119 Million Dollar Man to have elbow surgery and miss a month. After stealing New Jersey's lunch money, the Dirty Birds are now 4-1 without Joe Johnson. Now imagine how good they'd be if they'd spent their cap space on Darko Milicic instead of Johnson. Talk about Manna from Heaven.

Behind Josh Smith's season-high 34 points on 14-for-16 shooting, Atlanta shot 60 percent from the field and scored a whopping 23 points off only 13 forced turnovers. But hey, let's talk moral victories. Because losing 116-101 to the Hawks is somehow better than losing 100-75 to the Celtics...or something.

Said Avery Johnson: "WE HAD MUCH BETTER FIGHT IN US. I KNOW STATISTICALLY, WITH THEM SHOOTING 60 PERCENT FROM THE FIELD AND THE AMOUNT OF POINTS WE GAVE UP, IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD, BUT I THOUGHT OUR EFFORT WAS MUCH BETTER TONIGHT THAN IT WAS ON SUNDAY. OUR GUYS TRIED. UNFORTUNATELY, WE PLAYED A BETTER TEAM TONIGHT."

The Nyets have now lost five in a row and are 2-10 on the road.

Devin Harris, quote machine: "We just couldn't score and we couldn't stop them from scoring."

Those are two pretty important parts of the game.

The Cleveland Cavaliers: In Freddy vs. Jason, Freddy Krueger was blown up, had his arm ripped the hell off and shoved through his exploding chest, and then got his head lopped off with a machete. And even that doesn't quite compare to the savage beatings being put on the Cavaliers lately. Check out their last five games:

Lost 106-87 to the Boston Celtics
Lost 118-90 to the Miami Heat
Lost 129-95 to the Minnesota Timberpoops
Lost 102-92 to the Detroit Pissed-ons
Lost 117-97 to the Philadelphia 76ers

To sum up: Five double-digit losses -- three to sub-.500 powder puffs -- by a combined total of 111 points. Man, it's like LeBron tore out what was left of the Cavs' hearts, jammed them into a Magic Bullet and hit "liquify with extreme prejudice...while laughing".

Regarding the last three losses -- in Minny, Detroit and Philly -- Cleveland coach Byron Scott woke up from his nap long enough to say: "I'm very disappointed with this whole road trip. We're getting beat off the dribble like we're not even there. Pride has to come into it. Guys go right down the lane for easy layups and nobody seems upset by it. Everybody has to do a lot of soul-searching."

Sorry, Byron. LeBron swallowed their souls Evil Dead-style.

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate: Regarding his instructions to Thaddeus Young: "I told him that 3-point line is like the electric fence that you put in your yard with a dog. You get across and it shocks you, so stay in front of it."

Thaddeus Young, quote machine: Young, who scored a season-high 26 points on 11-for-12 shooting, found himself wishing NBA games lasted longer than 48 minutes. For, you know, stat padding. "I definitely wanted it to keep going. If it kept going, I get to 40 [points]."

The Denver Nuggets: Here's some sad face action from the AP recap:

Everything pointed to a storybook night for George Karl. Sitting at 999 NBA wins, he was back in North Carolina where he played in college and coaching against buddy Larry Brown.

Karl even joked before the game of missing the postgame flight to Boston and drinking wine with Brown to celebrate becoming just the seventh coach to win 1,000 games.

Instead, Karl was slumped in a chair at the end of the night dressed in a Tar Heel sweatshirt debating a late-game decision and lamenting the end of the Denver Nuggets' seven-game winning streak.

That "late-game decision" the recap was talking about came down to this: Down two points with less than 10 seconds left after a Stephen Jackson airball, Karl didn't call timeout, instead watching Chauncey "Mr. Big Shot" Billups dribble down and miss a fadeaway at the buzzer. Bobcraps win...Bobcraps win.

Said Karl: "It was a tough number. We rebounded at 7 [seconds] or something like that. The initial bust out I thought was good. At the end, we didn't have enough guys flooding the rebound, flooding the lane and trying to make something happen. I'm sure I'll look on film and I'll probably think I'll want to call timeout."

It also would have helped if his team hadn't shot 42 percent for the game.

As for Billups, he doesn't regret taking the shot that lost the game: "I had [D.J.] Augustin on me, who I knew couldn't really affect my shot. I got a good look, just didn't knock it down."

Huh. Anybody keep track of how many game-losing shots this guy has?

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: Now this is a guy who looks like he's being kept in Denver with one of those electric fences you put in your yard with a dog. They're called "motions" and this guy is going through them -- 22 points on 21 shots and a game-high 4 turnovers -- but he's still churning out quotes. Regarding his coach's chance to win 1,000 games (via Murcy): "You've got to win a lot of games to get to 1,000. And you've got to know a lot of basketball to get that chance to get to 1,000."

In related news, you need a lot of fingers to count to 1,000. If you're 'Melo.

Stephen Jackson, quote machine: "We have to start winning games now, so we don't have to use so much energy at the end of the season to be in the position we want to be in."

The Golden State Warriors: On the one hand, they kept pace with the Mavericks -- winners of 10 straight games -- and barely lost a winnable game. On the other hand, Ian Mahinmi, who had logged only 39 minutes before last night, played 21 minutes and finished with 12 points and a career-high 10 rebounds. What's more, Mahinmi had 10 free throw attempts...compared to 13 for the Warriors as a team. Meanwhile, Alexis Ajinca -- who began the day with three total minutes played -- put in nine minutes of PT and grabbed a career-high 6 rebounds. Did I mention both men are French?

Look, all I'm sayin' is that I've lost count of the number of times I've seen the words "season-high" or "career-high" used to describe player performances against the Warriors the last few seasons. In related news, Golden State has lost four in a row and nine of their last 10 games. Their current record is 8-13.

Brendan Haywood: The reason Mahinmi and Ajinca were even playing was because Tyson Chandler was sick with -- you guessed it! -- flu-like symptoms. Now, you would have thought Chandler's absence would have opened the door to a big night for Haywood. Only Haywood picked up two quick fouls and ended up playing fewer minutes than Mahinmi. But that's not all: Mahinmi's eight free throws matched how many Haywood has made all season.

Keith Smart, coach of the year candidate: "We're not getting the results as far as the wins we need, but we're playing hard. When we put it all together, we'll be a good team. Our hearts are in the right place. We practice hard and compete. We're right there with a lot of the top level teams. We'll turn the corner if we play with this kind of effort."

Alexis Ajinca, quote machine: "I guess French guys don't like Golden State."

The Detroit Pistons: Knee-Mac returned to Houston -- a.k.a. The Second Team Tracy McGrady Failed To Lead Out Of The First Round -- and had his best game of the season: 11 points on 3-for-6 shooting to go with 5 fouls, 3 rebounds, 3 assists, 3 turnovers and a steal. And the Pissed-ons were even +4 during Knee-Mac's 23 minutes.

Yet Detroit finished -15 to the still Aaron Brooks and Yao Ming-less Rockets.

Said McGrady: "It really wasn't as strange as I thought it would be. I felt like I was going to come out here and, whatever [happened] I was going to have a good game. ... I'm never surprised [by getting booed]. You never know what to expect. Some cheers, some boos. I've seen it, heard it."

Especially the boos.

Bonus stat: Detroit's 83 points (on 41 percent shooting with 18 turnovers) were a season-low for a Rockets opponent.

Richard Hamilton: Rip scored 6 points on 3-for-9 shooting and played only 15 minutes because he earned double techs and an automatic ejection in the first half. It's the second time this season Hamilton has bitched his way into an early exit.

Said Detroit coach John Kuester: "We can't afford to lose him anymore in a game because we need him. He's been in this league long enough, and he needs to -- like all of us -- be able to adjust to the whistle."

The Primal Rage of John Kuester. Fear it.
Kuester has a point. But here's another: With the way the Pistons have been playing this season -- they're eight games under .500 and only 2-10 outside their own miserable city -- you can't really blame him for wanting to leave early. On that subject...

Tracy McGrady, quote machine: "I'm accepting my role on this team and I really enjoy trying to make my team better."

Joe Dumars: Remember that rebuilding plan that centered around getting rid of Chauncey Billups and spending $90 million on Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva? I hate to keep bringing this up, but Gordon scored 9 points on 3-for-11 shooting in 37 minutes of lacktion and Villy didn't even play. So...yeah.

The Phoenix Suns: Steve Nash -- 24 points, 10-for-16, 15 assists -- finished with a plus-minus score of +5. Unfortunately, every other Suns player was in the red. Even more unfortunately, Phoenix wasted a nine-point fourth quarter lead by letting the Frail Blazers outscore them 37-24.

Said Nash: "We struggled to score at times, and that was it. They did a better job than us defensively."

In possibly related news, Neil Paine of Basketball-Reference says Nash is the second-most one-dimension player of all time. Behind Kiki Vandewhatever. Without bothering to sort through a bunch of meaningless numbers, I would argue that Nash's one dimension is so good it's equivalent to at least two or three dimensions. Movin' on...

As is often the case with the Suns, turnovers were as much their undoing as their defense. Phoenix gave up 19 points off 19 turnovers. And they managed only 2 fast break points.

Hedo Turkododo, Josh Childress and Hakim Warrick: The Suns' three big offseason acquisitions combined for 35 minutes, 13 points (4-for-9), 4 rebounds, 5 assists, and a plus-minus score of -10. And did I mention that Earl Barron is STARTING for the Suns? Yeah, I'm looking at you, Hedo and Hakim.

The Washington Wizards Generals: Check out this section of the AP recap:

The Lakers have abandoned all hope of stopping Nick Young from throwing himself a raging homecoming party whenever the Washington Wizards visit.

Yet Los Angeles still muddled through a victory that could have been a whole lot smoother without the hometown kid causing so much commotion.

At times during an otherwise dispassionate game, Young seemed to be the only player having any fun. The former USC guard hit a career-best six 3-pointers while scoring a season-high 30 points for the Wizards, who closed the third quarter on a 16-1 run to make the two-time defending champions uncomfortable.

"We know when Nick Young comes to town, we're going to give up 25 points," Lakers coach Phil Jackson said admiringly. "This kid is going to come back to L.A. and have a great game."

So the Lakers are basically conceding to the fact that Nick Young -- Nick Young! -- is going to light them up. Young's a shooting guard, right? Kobe Bryant's also a shooting guard, right? And Kobe makes the All-Defensive First Team year after year, right? Am...am I missing something?

Anyway, the Andray Blatch-less Generals actually did play the Lakers tough -- a jumper by Gilbert Arenas made it a four-point game with 57 seconds left -- but L.A.'s inside play was too much: Washington gave up 22 offensive rebounds and was outscored 58-30 in the paint. Regarding those offensive boards, Pau Gasol had as many of them (9) as the entire Generals team.

Random extra: Note the bonus bawful in this line from the AP recap: "Young carried Washington during the first half, scoring 19 points with three 3-pointers while rarely passing the ball."

I swear I'm not writing for the AP...

Lamar Odom, quote machine: "Sometimes we need to do a better job of keeping our intensity at a high. When we focus, we've been really good this year, but when we lose that focus, teams have been able to sneak up on us and give us trouble."

FS West announcher, unintentionally dirty quote machine: On Kobe / Pau / Lamar, via Basketbawful reader Sophie: "Those guys are looking to get each other off tonight."

Well, as Wormboy pointed out via e-mail, man-love does improve team performance.

"Tough Guys" Andrea Bargnani and Mike Dunleavy: Shayan e-mailed about this, er, heated exchange from Monday night's Raps-Pacers game: "Bargnani elbows Mike Dunleavy, then Dunleavy 'retaliates,' to which Bargnani says 'Wow, that's it? That's your best shot?'"


The New York Knicks: Some potential future bawful from Basketbawful reader Kaan:

Now that the Knicks have won 10 of 11, everyone is talking about Amar'e this, Amar'e that, look at Felton, oh Fields is a jewel and all that. They may be right. But please look at this schedule. Who did this? Is this schedule even legit?

10 of 11 wins: Sacramento, Golden State, LA Clippers, Charlotte, Charlotte, Atlanta (they lost obviously), Detroit, New Jersey, New Orleans, Toronto, Minnesota...

Out of the 10 wins they had, only New Orleans is over .500 and they are sinking like the Titanic...but how can you put together such awesome bawfulness of a schedule.

Wait it gets better.

Knicks play Toronto and Washington next. So 12 out of 13 is not out of question. Then we'll hear that the Knicks are contenders, they might be better than the aging Celts, dysfunctional Heat and ready-to-melt Magic...

But keep an eye on what's to come afterwards. If you put together all the crap teams one after another, that means you're just postponing the ineviteble big boys.

After Toronto and Washington, here is the Knicks' next 14 games. Hey don't despair I saw a Cleveland game in there...

Denver
Boston
Miami
Cleveland
Oklahoma City
Chicago
Miami
Orlando
Indiana
San Antonio
Phoenix
LA Lakers
Portland
Utah and the beat goes on....

This is one weird schedule and one media frenzy to keep an eye on...

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Nyets-Hawks: New Jersey's Ben Uzoh headed a brick in just 21 seconds for a +1 suck differential and a Mario!

Pistons-Rockets: Brad Miller scrapped his way to 3 boards in 13:12, but bricked six times and fouled and lost the rock twice each for a 4:3 Voskuhl. Also lacking it up for Houston was Jared Jeffrise, whose one giveaway in 10:50 netted him a +1.

Generals-Lakers: Hilton Armstrong blocked one shot in 8:22, only to ring up one foul via room service for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. Alonzo Gee gave up his Castlevania cartridge after 26 seconds for a Mario.

For Los Angeles, Derrick Caracter captured a board in 5:28, and also fouled twice and bricked thricely for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

2010-11 NBA Season Preview: Atlantic Division

The Boston Celtics

Last season, Boston's two biggest problems were age and injuries. Their offseason response was to get older and more injury prone with the acquisitions of Shaq and Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal. Remember: The 2009-10 Celtics were only a few baskets away from winning Game 7 of the NBA Finals on the road against a pretty good Lakers team. So how seriously should we take the 2010-11 Celtics? Let me put it this way: Even die-hard Boston fans have to answer that question by saying, "If Shaq and/or Jermaine O'Neal can just..."

That's right. All it's going to take is for Shaq and The Drain the make an actual, basketball-related impact on their new team. Mind you, this is something they've utterly failed to do in each of the last couple stops of the NBA careers. Shaq sunk the Seven Seconds or Less Era in Phoenix before helping Cleveland lose LeBron James forever.

As for The Drain, he got passed around like a hot potato after the Pacers finally suckered somebody into taking his giant contract off their bloodstained hands, and he was declared legally deceased during Miami's one-round playoff run last season. Mind you, it was the Celtics are the team who eliminated the Heat, so they got to watch his playoff implosion up close. How bad was he? Well, he went 9-for-44 from the field, his PER was 2.5 and he finished the series with an Offensive Rating of 57. Oh, and in Miami's elimination game, he grabbed only two defensive rebounds.

But you know what? I don't see those shambling mounds as Boston's biggest problems. As a Celtics fan, I'm much more worried about the fact that Rajon Rondo still can't hit jump shots with consistency or knock down clutch free throws. Those two factors may very well have cost the Celts the 2010 NBA title. Speaking of things that may have cost Boston the title, how about Ray Allen's playoff shooting slump? Look, shooters slump, I get that. But Allen's have been getting worse, lasting longer and are becoming more critical because they're happening during the playoffs. Are these things going to get better by tacking on another year and more miles to his odometer? On top of those factors, now that Tony Allen is marinating in the Grizzlies locker room, who's going to hound the Kobes and LeBrons of the world?

And let's not forget the C's lost their defensive guru, Tom Thibodeau, to the Chicago Bulls.

Look, the Celtics are going to win their division. Mostly because the other teams in the Atlantic are the crappiest of the crappy crap (see below). And they'll definitely be dangerous come playoff time, assuming everybody remains relatively healthy. But the 2010 Finals proved that championships are won and lost by the slimmest of margins. The Celtics just have too many question marks and what ifs.

The New Jersey Nyets

Last season, the Nyets managed only 12 wins and needed a late-season run -- if you can consider five wins in their last 12 games a "run" -- to avoid becoming the worst team (in terms of wins and losses) in NBA history. Still, as horrific as the season was -- poor Brook Lopez has permanent handprints on his face from all the facepalming he did last year -- all the losing was supposed to have a happy ending. After all, New Jersey had stockpiled cap space for the summer's free agent bonanza and their record practically made them a mortal lock for the number one overall draft pick. If they could just win the draft lottery and select John Wall...

...only they didn't win the draft lottery. They got the third pick, which they used to select Derrick Favors, a kid with decent long-term potential but little chance of making an impact this season. Other key acquisitions include Travis Outlaw, Anthony Morrow, Troy Murphy, Quinton Ross, Jordan Farmar, Stephen Graham, Joe Smith's corpse and Johan Petro (for $10 million over three years...WTF?!).

I'm have absolutely no idea what kind of Frankenstein's monster new GM Billy King (a.k.a. the guy who once destroyed the Philadelphia 76ers) expects new coach Avery Johnson to build out of this freaky warehouse of scrap parts. But I can't wait to find out.

But you know what the best part is? After last year's near-record setting failfest, there's virtually no way the Nyets can't improve this season. Even a conservative estimate of, say, 24 wins would be an enormous improvement. So expect better days in New Jersey. Relatively speaking.

The New York Knicks

During the offseason, the Bricks spent $100 million on Amar''''''e Stoudemire. Which would be fine if Amar''''''e wasn't a total fraud.

Okay, okay. That's not fair. Stoudemire isn't a total fraud. The guy is a stud on offense, ranking 5th in free throw attempts (632), 7th in field goal percentage (.557) and 10th in points per game (23.1). However, most of those sparkling stats came at the end of an assist from Steve Nash. In Phoenix, Amar''''''e lived off the variety of dunks, layups and pick-and-pops that Nash created. Conversely, Stoudemire was at his absolute worst when trying to create offense on his own. Unless he could simply blow by his man and not encounter any help defense at the rim, the dude looked like a baby deer trying to run on ice skates. STAT isn't a creator, he's a finisher. What's he going to finish in New York? Other than the hopes and dreams of Knicks fans everywhere. Assuming those suckers have any hopes and dreams left.

Stoudemire cowers from defensive rebounds the way Ron Artest shrinks away from giant snake eggs. And his answer to "defense" is to either leap out of the way matador style or reach in with the awkward clumsiness of a teenage boy groping his first real breast, which is why he ranked 5th in personal fouls last season (281).

The point is: If Amar''''''e is the foundation of your team -- the unquestioned heart and soul -- then your team is officially f***ed. I fully expect Stoudemire to become this season's premier 20-10-50 guy.

Knicks hopefuls might want to point out that Donnie Walsh flipped David "All O, No D" Lee for Anthony Randolph, Ronny Turiaf and Kelenna Azubuike. I would remind those people that the team's starting point guard is Raymond Felton (a poor pick-and-roll player) and the team doesn't have much in the way of consistent, high-percentage three-point shooting. These things do not play to Stoudemire's strengths.

In other words: Expect New York's playoff drought to continue.

The Philadelphia 76ers

Year Two of The Elton Brand Era saw the Sixers win only 27 games and finish tied for the third-worst record in the Eastern Conference. According to the Pythagorean Wins calculated by Basketball-Reference.com, Philly was better than only the following teams: New Jersey, Minnesota, The Other L.A. Team, Detroit and Washington. That's a real rogue's gallery of suck, right there.

During 2009-10, the Sixers should have worn masks with question marks on them, because the team had no identity whatsoever. I mean, they were supposed to be a running team yet finished the season ranked 22nd in Pace and 23rd in PPG. Furthermore, they ranked 22nd in three-point percentage (.343) and their inside game was anchored by Elton Brand, who was granted Living Statue status by the world's leading statueologists. Basically, there really wasn't much of anything this team did particularly well. Other than lose, that is.

Now ask yourself this: Has anything of major significance changed from last season to this season? Flipping Sammy Dalembert for Andres Nocioni and Spencer Hawes makes the team...whiter...I guess. Number two overall pick Evan Turner was a summer league disappointment. And as for new coach Doug Collins, well, did you see his last two seasons as a head coach in Washington? He lost the trust of every player on that team not named Michael Jordan, and that was only because he was Jordan's Yes Man.

Which is why the quarterback battle between Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick is the only real ray of hope Philadelphia fans have right now.

Sorry, Philadelphia fans.

The Toronto Raptors

Last season, Chris Bosh ranked 6th in the league in rebounds per game (10.8), 7th in free throw attempts (590) and 9th in points per game (24.0). He was also 4th in Player Efficiency Rating (25.0), trailing only LeBron James (31.1), Dwyane Wade (28.0) and Kevin Durant (26.2). Of course, Bosh put together what was probably his best statistical season during a contract year while playing for a Raptors team that failed to make the playoffs. But those are just facts, so feel free to discard them.

(Reality check: Bosh ranked 7th in the league with 7.9 Offensive Win Shares, yet ranked only 19th overall with 9.6 Win Shares. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that means Bosh had only 1.7 Defensive Win Shares during his best statistical season. How is that possible? I'm sure it had nothing whatsoever to do with him gunning it on offense to improve his free agent standing.)
Anyway, even though Bosh was lighting it up -- at the offensive end, anyway -- the Raptors still floundered down the stretch and missed the postseason (thanks largely to an injury to Bosh). When Bosh decided to take his talents to South Beach, it was done to a massive chorus of "Good riddance!!" from Canadians everywhere. And yet...

...Bosh's departure has made Toronto's roster one of the most depressing sights in the league. Their best returning players (Andrea Bargnani, DeMar DeRozan and Jose Calderon) strike fear in no one's heart (unless you count their fantasy owners). Their new additions (Leandro Barbosa, Amir Johnson, Linas Kleiza and draft pick Ed Davis) would be decent pickups for a team that was already pretty good. But the Raptors aren't pretty good. And this season, they might even be the worst team in the league.

The New Jersey Nets: A history of suck

You thought this was the lowest moment in New Jersey'sfranchise history? Then you thought very wrong.
The 2009-10 New Jersey Nets -- also known as the "New Jersey Nyets" around these parts -- opened their season with 18 consecutive losses and finished with only 12 wins, earning them a spot among the worst teams in NBA history.

But, believe it or not, neither the 0-18 nor the 12-70 qualify as the worst, most embarrassing moment in New Jersey's franchise history. So come with me on a journey through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of suck.

Yesterday, chris sent me the link to a Deadspin post about the Nets' impending name change (possibly only to the "Brooklyn Nets"). He found one sentence of that post particularly entertaining:

Yes, the Nets go back to the '60s, and are one of four remaining links to the ABA days. But a long history does not equal a storied history. Remember that time they had to forfeit a playoff game because the only arena they could get had baskets of uneven height? Remember when they sold Dr. J because they couldn't afford the cost of joining the NBA? Remember those 432 games below .500, in just 34 years in the league?

That sounds pretty sad, right? I mean, losing a playoff game by forfeit because your arena sucked? Well, put a protective cover over your shame gland, because it's even more pathetic than it sounds.

First understand that this happened back when the "Nets" were actually the New Jersey Americans of the ABA. Now...from NBA.com's New Jersey Nets History page:

1968: The Playoff Game That Never Happened

New Jersey's 36-42 finish earned the team a tie with the Kentucky Colonels for the fourth and final playoff spot in the ABA's Eastern Division. A single-game playoff was scheduled to determine which team would advance to face the Minnesota Muskies in the first round of postseason play. Unfortunately for the Americans, the Teaneck Armory was booked for a circus on the scheduled date. Owner Arthur Brown scrambled to find an alternate site and managed to reserve Commack Arena in the Long Island, New York, town of the same name.

When the teams showed up for the game, however, they found that the court was in unplayable condition, with floorboards loose, bolts unscrewed, and basket stanchions unpadded. The Colonels refused to play. ABA commissioner George Mikan ruled the game a forfeit, with Kentucky the winner. The Americans' first taste of postseason action had ended without so much as an opening jump ball.

So they had a one-game playoff -- thanks to a sparkling sub-.500 record -- and lost it by forfeit. Ouch. And notice that last sentence? That game was supposed to be New Jersey's first ever playoff contest...and they lost it by forfeit. And it was a home game. How utterly perfect. It couldn't be any more Nets-like, even if Brook Lopez travelled back in time to facepalm about it.

But don't you want more details about this ball-crusher? Of course you do.

From Remember the ABA:

For the first several months of the 1967-68 season, the Americans struggled to keep up in a series of high-scoring shootouts. On November 2, 1967, in New Orleans, the Buccaneers crushed the Americans 141-117. The 141 points for the Bucs established a new ABA high mark. On November 27, 1968, in Louisville, the Kentucky Colonels humiliated the Americans 138-100. And, on December 19, 1967, the Pipers pounded the Americans in Pittsburgh, 146-124. The 146 points for the Pipers set still another ABA high mark. And, Pittsburgh's 80-56 halftime lead also set a new ABA record for most points scored in a half.

Wow. Basketbawful before there was a Basketbawful! Let's continue...

In March 1968, the Americans went on a "mini" playoff push. ... Ultimately, the Americans tied the Kentucky Colonels for fourth place in the Eastern Division with a 36-42 record. A special one-game playoff was scheduled between the two teams to decide which team would qualify for the regular playoffs. The game was scheduled to be played at New Jersey. However, the Teaneck Armory was booked by a circus the entire week of the playoff game.

The Americans decided to move the game to Commack Arena on Long Island. What followed truly became the stuff of ABA legend.

When players, fans and reporters arrived at Commack Arena the evening of the game, the scene was chaotic. Workers hired by the Americans were feverishly trying to tape new 3-point lines onto the court. Parts of the floor appeared to have gaps and holes. Some areas of the court were unstable. There were numerous player complaints about goal padding, floor marking and even the height of the baskets.

Walt Simon observed: "This floor is a shame. You step on one side and another side comes up. That's dangerous."

No shit, Walt.

Levern Tart recited a litany of obvious problems: "One basket seems a little higher than the other. And the 25-foot arc looks a little crooked. And there isn't any padding on the backboards or basket supports. It looks like things have been put up too quickly."

Colonels coach Gene Rhodes summed up the condition of the court by saying: "It's something out of Rube Goldberg!"

Wait, wait, wait. I thought the point of a Rube Goldberg contest was designing a ridiculously complicated machine to perform a seemingly simple operation. This sounds more like inventing an obstacle course where the winning prize is death.

Others at the game also recall that parts of the court were very slippery. This was apparently the result of condensation from hockey ice directly underneath the court (Commack was the home of the Long Island Ducks of the Eastern Hockey League).

Despite the bizarre conditions, most of the Americans players were suited up and ready to play by game time. But, only 3 or 4 Colonels bothered to dress. After Kentucky refused to play, a call was placed to ABA Commissioner George Mikan in Minneapolis. After consulting with Americans and Colonels representatives, Mikan finally ordered the game forfeited in favor of the visiting Colonels. "I just don't want anyone injured," explained Mikan.

A slim crowd of about 400 had showed up for the game. Many of these fans had waited a full hour after the scheduled tipoff, hoping that the game would still go on.

Suckers.

When the forfeit was announced over the P.A. system, many fans in the small crowd gave a sarcastic cheer. To add insult to injury, the Americans had given out numerous free tickets to their one-game playoff, without any special markings. When a line formed for refunds, many of the free ticketholders got in line with paying customers. The arena's ticket crew mistakenly gave refunds on about 80 complimentary tickets.

Well, that was $7.28 the New Jersey owner would never see again...

A short time later, Americans owner Brown stormed out of the arena, saying to his own coach, Max Zaslofsky: "Come on, let's get out of this stinking joint."

The next day, Brown bitterly complained about Mikan's decision to forfeit the game. He threatened to sue Mikan and the ABA. In response, Mikan told the Louisville Courier-Journal: "I suppose Brown has the right to go to court. That's his opinion. I made this ruling for the good of the league. I don't want to try it in the papers."

For a short time, the league actually considered flying the Americans AND the Colonels to Minneapolis for a special "replay" of the game. The winner would have simply stayed put in Minneapolis to face the Minnesota Muskies in Game 1 of a regular 5-game playoff series. A scorecard was even printed for Minneapolis fans who (for inexplicable reasons) might have wanted to see the game. Eventually the league decided against a replay -- the Colonels started their playoff series with Minnesota and that was the end of the saga.

So let's sum this up: the Nets (then the Americans) lost their first-ever playoff game by forfeit because their normal arena was booked by a circus and their substitute arena was like a demilitarized zone. The forfeit happened because commissioner George freaking Mikan's unilateral decision to just cancel the game outright. Then fate squeezed a big, fat lemon all over the wound when the Nets/Americans accidentally refunded money on free tickets. Then they were screwed out of a replay of the game too.

Man. And we thought the Clippers were cursed.

And the kicker? Wait for it...waaaaaait for it...

After the fiasco, Brown was asked by several reporters whether the Americans might move to Commack Arena for their next season. Brown harshly responded: "I cannot see any possibility of negotiating with these people. Anyone in the arena business should know that what's here is inadequate and improper. We definitely won't be here next year!" The manager of Commack Arena, John Steele, shot back: "I wouldn't want Brown here now for all his millions and I told him so."

But in the summer of 1968, Brown decided that the Americans could not survive in New Jersey. He announced his plans to move the team into the New York area -where he had intended to base the team in the first place. It would play as the "New York Nets." And where would the Nets play all of their home games for the 1968-69 season? Commack Arena, of course!

FAIL.

A Brief Links Rundown

While Matt McHale: Technical Writer is being inundated with training at his Clark Kent job, I figured this would be a good time to take a look at current events in the basketball world. (Don't worry -- the Pickup Diaries will resume before you know it)

Before we get started, a brief FYI. Several of you faithful Bawful readers have noted in the comments that a bogus redirect script has been affecting the site. After doing a little research, it appears to be related to the script used for the tag cloud that was on the navigation bar on the right side of the page. Many other bloggers who used that Technorati script are seeing the same issues with certain browsers. One particular release of Firefox seemed to be the most generally affected, and I personally have not been able to replicate the problem. However, I have temporarily removed the script from the site's template HTML, so hopefully the problem will be fixed. If you are still having troubles, let us know so we can look into it further.

Getting on the news...

Update! Warriors purchased. For way, way way too much money.

Update! Do you want to see David Kahn squirm when being pressed by Chris Webber and Matt Winer about throwing so much money at Darko friggin' Milicic? Do you want to see C-Webb get pissed at Kahn for comparing him to Darko? Of course you do. In fact, I'll even embed the video here for your convenience:


We are still countless weeks away from the beginning of the season, and the Warriors' top draft pick Ekpe Udoh has already torn a ligament in his wrist and will miss six months of action. Did anybody inform him that he was drafted by the Warriors and not the Clippers? He wasn't contractually obligated to injure himself like he would have been if Donald Sterling was cutting his paychecks.

Speaking of injured Clippers, Shaun Livingston's back! After destroying his knee in pretty much the worst possible way against the Bobcats in 2007, he has now inked a 2 year, $7 million deal with... the Bobcats. Livingston's agent Henry Thomas commented "yes, how ironic," when this was pointed out to him. Technically that isn't irony; it's just a coincidence. Irony would be getting drafted by the Clippers and staying perfectly healthy and leading the team to a championship. But no matter. It's still nice to see Livinston getting another break after a horrible injury and struggles to regain his form in subsequent years. And now if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw up about eight times after remembering his ligament-ravaging fall.

Oh, and Knee-Mac to the Clippers? Maybe. You can't make this shit up.

In yet another example of NBA teams refusing to learn from history's mistakes, the Nyets have found a new general manager in... Billy King?? Don't they remember how he murdered Philly's 76ers, rolled its body up in a carpet, and tossed it off a bridge? (After that, Philly really could have used Superman -- oh, wait, they got him!. After Superman is done saving Philadelphia, he's trekking over to Detroit to attempt to save it before crippling depression sets in and he decides to just end it all. And I'm only making up part of that sentence.) In any event, there is a nice opportunity here. Not only are we likely to be treated to some comedic mismanagement, but we might even see another example of the team's GM being overruled by its owner. If Mikhail Prokhorov wants to pay eight bajillion rubles for some random scrub in an ill-advised trade, you know Billy King won't be able to say nyet. (Hmm. Maybe they should have gotten Isiah Thomas...)

After all the talks about Kobe Bryant's defensive nemesis Raja Bell coming over to the dark side and joining the Lakers, he's actually now going to the Utah Jazz instead. I feel like re-reading Seven Seconds or Less just to relive Kobe being frustrated by Bell's defense.

(I just realized that after Leandro Barbosa's move, Steve Nash is the only 7SOL era Suns player left. Holy crap, where doe the time go? Meanwhile, the Suns now have... Hedo Turkoglu Turkododo. Sigh. Erm, I mean, ball.)

Yahoo! Sports' Adrian Wojnarowski ran some surprisingly harsh smack on Twitter last night over several tweets:

Just hung up the phone with agent Mark Bartelstein, who's irate over Hornets empty suit Hugh Weber reneging on a contract for Luther Head.

After firing Jeff Bower as GM, Weber is trying the slimy trick of 'failing' a healthy player on a physical to back out of a deal Bower made.

Weber is one more clown act running a team who doesn't know if the ball is stuffed or blown. With Shinn, he undermined Bower at every turn.

Ouch...

Update! I just stumbled on this link: Ron Artest having a "Fuck LeBron" party?

Did you know -- or care -- that the ESPY Awards were held last night? Yeah, neither did pretty much anybody else in the free world. The ESPYs haven't been any fun since this high point some twelve years ago. Anyway, Phil Jackson and Kobe Bryant both won awards. Sigh. However, the one bright spot? "Denver Nuggets coach George Karl received the Jimmy V ESPY for Perseverance. He missed games and practices last season while battling neck and throat cancer. A thinner Karl appeared well, although he didn't come backstage." Crap. Now I actually wish I would have watched a few minutes of the ESPYs now just to see that. Glad to hear George Karl is feeling a bit better.

By the way, hope you're ready for the lockout! Goddamnit.

One last non-NBA item I need to share: holy hell, John Daly is back! I'm sure this won't last, so enjoy it while you can.

Update! Andy Gray just posted this picture on his SI Vault Twitter feed. "Bret Michaels, John Daly, John Daly's son and John Daly's son's middle finger." Enjoy!